Greeks and Romans. I can tell you that no son of mine shall be called by any of your outlandish names-shall it deary?" (addressing the young sprig.')

"Don't insult the ancients, Mary" said my father, with true ancient dignity-"Don't insult the ancients! more especially as you know nothing about them. I say again," he continued, waxing warm-" what signifies a handsome name? You know nothing about it, wife! and I can tell you, you are very much mistaken indeed, Mrs. Levis" (waxing still warmer,) “if you think that any son of mine shall go by such names as your Edwards, and your Henries, and Williams, and Johns!-O! I've no patience with you, woman!"—and, as he concluded his speech, he drew his chair to some distance from my mother's.

Had my mother remained silent under such abuse, she would have forfeited all claim to the respect of her sexand justly too. But, as I have said before, she was a woman of great soul, and had no idea of remaining passive. "La! I'm sure I don't care, Mr. Levis, whether you have any patience or not; not I indeed!" (accompanying her defiance with an appropriate toss of the head :)" I've too much spirit for that, Mr. Levis !-Johns indeed! Do you think I'd call my son John'? I've too much taste for that, sir, let me tell you-John! Let me tell you, Mr. Levis, when my son is christened, he shall be named Roderick, or Peregrine, or-or-John !"—here she turned her back to him and addressed herself to me"It sha'n't be called John; no it sha'n't! shall it dear?

'Ride a-cockhorse
To

"O! very well, Mrs. Levis; do as you please, ma'm! do just as you please, ma'm! I see what has corrupted you.

Ghost of Penthesilea! who can describe the mighty ire that shook my mother's frame, as steam'd, from forth her

husband's' jaws sepulchral, corruption's horrid-sound? As when some mastiff's fangs have clasped a panther's snout; the noble beast, stung to the quick with agony, roars out amain, lashes her panting sides with vaccine tail, and scatters on the winds the dust about. Now here, now there now here, now there, again-she swings Molossus round; but still adheres the unyielding cur; till gathering all her strength, in one resistless struggle, she casts him on the earth a helpless prey. Thus swell'd with awful rage the breast of Mistress Levis ;-her eyes shot cinders, and her swollen cheeks threaten'd explosion dire while towards her husband's nose her fist outstretch'd menac'd flat ruin to its bridge. At length, striving with collected force, her words found utterance, and thenmy mother spoke

"Corrupted me, sir?-You insolent wretch!-I'll not put up with it! You're a vile man, Mr. Levis,—that you are! a nasty, irritable, disagreeable, contemptible

"That's right!" said my father, thrusting his hands into his breeches' pockets, as though he meant to bore a hole through them-"Get in a passion, wife! its very becoming to you! very!"

My mother could bear it no longer,-she burst into tears. "Was ever woman so-so insulted! You a clergyman!-a pretty cler-cler-clergyman-to treat your wedded-wife so !"

The husband was softened at once. .—“Well, Mary! I did not mean to irritate you so; I was only about to say, that you were corrupted-now don't break out againcorrupted by that Roderick Random, and that Peregrine Pickle, which you are ever thumbing. Stop! let me go on now: I will reason a little first; and then, you shall begin, love."

O woman's tears! that never-failing weapon of her weakness! Be she in any extremity-let her but use it! and greater conquests are effected than ever graced the swords of errant knights. They dissolved the hearts of

stones; but it dissolveth stony hearts.-They dispersed whole hosts of giants; it disperseth hosts of prejudices. -They broke the wand of magic, and loosed the fetters of enchantment; it snappeth in sunder the shackles of obdurate guardians and hard-hearted parents, and layeth,. as the rain-drop doth the drifting sand, the anger of a badtempered husband. Who may resist its edge?Not I, for one !-neither could my father for another. There fore, he thus continued sotto voce :-

I was about to say then, my dear Mary, that the modern custom of giving names that are dictated by the mere fancy-without any reference whatever to the qua lities, personal or mental, of the individual; or to the circumstances which may have attended his birth; or to any event or action by which the family may have been distinguished-is plainly and decidedly absurd. Suppose that a man had twenty sons

"For shame, Mr. Levis! how can you speak of such a thing?"

"Wife! if you interrupt me any more by your silly remarks"

It was never known-fortunately perhaps for his repu tation-how my reverend father had intended to conclude this latter sentence; for, just as his partner's wrath began to kindle, my diaper gave way, and, the pin running into my flesh, I vented my indignation in the usual manner of babies. Of course, it required all my mother's efforts to appease me; and by the time she had succeeded the storm was blown over.

My father resumed :—

-I only say

Suppose that a man had twenty sonssuppose such a thing. Well, if he were speaking of one of them to a stranger, and should say 'my son John,' or 'my son William,' or 'my son James,' or mention him indeed by any of your modern appellations, how would the stranger know to which of the twenty he meant to

refer?"

"Yes, but?? again interrupted my mother.

“But let me finish my argument first, Mrs. Levis, and then you may begin with your 'buts.' Now I say, that, were it not for the sacred rite of baptism, a man might as well have no name at all. We should follow the ancients, wife; they understood these things much better than we-as indeed they did every thing else.-Take care! don't offend me again, Mary !—The people of the East too, in modern times, manage such matters with remarkable discernment. I say we should follow them; and call one son, for instance, Red-hair,-another Roundback, another Pot-belly, and so on. It would display a great deal more of taste, and would certainly be acting more according to nature; inasmuch as we find that all nations in a savage state distinguish individuals by names expressive of some peculiar qualities belonging to those individuals. I do not mean, however, dearest spouse, that we should call our son by any significant English word, or by any composition of significant English words; for that might expose us to the unjust ridicule of the ignorant; but that we should confer upon him some sonorous Greek or Latin appellation. I have, therefore, selected for him two names, viz. Prototocus and Primogenitus, either of which-and I leave it to your choice-will announce to every one that he is our first-born son.

The reader is surprised, no doubt, that Mrs. Levis was able to continue silent so long a time, especially when the reverend gentleman was speaking of his Red-hair, Round-back, and Pot-belly; but the fact is, that she had contented herself with silently sneering at his folly,—till he had reached his Prototocus and Primogenitus. It was then that the insulted mother could contain herself no longer. Swelling with the most majestic indignation, she thrust her infant into the cradle at the risk of its neck, and burst forth with the violence of a thunder-cloud :"Totocus O'Genital! was ever man so mad!--what, sir,-Mr. Levis,-Mr. Ichabod Levis," striding up to VOL. I.

3

him, with her pretty mouth enlarged to the size of his, "do you think you are to disgrace my child by any of your blasphemous Irish names? Do you think, man—? I'd-I'd rather kill him at once!"

The bolt had struck; and my poor father was for many minutes speechless from its violence; but he was too tall a man to be frightened out of his wits by so little a woman. He therefore drew himself up-by the waistband of his breeches (his usual action, when he was very much excited,)—and prepared to take his revenge. But, alas! what mortal may calculate upon the chances of an hour?-of a minute? Here stood my poor fathera living, moving, feeling man; in the prime of life, and the freshness-if not the fullness-of health: the next moment the door opened, and in entered Mistress Meg Handy, Dairy woman, etc.

My father started back ashamed; my mother burst into tears; and Meg stood mute, for a second-but for a second only;-the next she had formed her plans.

"Why, how, now, my daughter? has any thing happened to the baby? Come, tell old Meg!"

The lady took the hint in an instant, and dried her eyes-"Nothing, I believe Meg; but-but-I was very much frightened."

The gentleman did not take the hint: he had no eyes to dry-or, more precisely, he had no eyes that needed drying-or, more correctly, his eyes needed not drying.

-By the way, before I forget it-have you ever re. marked, beloved Reader, how quick-witted women are, in general; and how dull we are, all, who belong to the opposite sex? Involve a woman in any scrape, and, ten to one, she will find means to extricate herself: but entangle a man in the same meshes, and what does he do? He seems either ashamed or angry; and, in both cases, plays the fool. Heigho! I suppose it is all right.

"It was nothing, Meg, but Mrs. Levis's temper. She would not