M

a

BRITISH DISINTERESTEDNESS
IN SPAIN AND PORTUGAL.

[From the same.]

R. Jonathan Bull, a respectable citizen, who had retired from business to a suburban villa in the neighbourhood of the metropolis, was informed by his Factotum, a very stirring little man, that a battle was to be fought between two celebrated pugilists, and that a spot quite contiguous to Mr. Bull's improvements was selected for the combat. Upon hearing this, Mr. Bull, one of the most thinking men in the world, did not know what to do; he had certainly every reason to be alarmed; the paling about his pleasure-grounds had become extremely rotten; many of the props had given way, and indeed the entire premises stood in evident need of a general reform: he was conscious that a very slight pressure from the people without would be able to effect a terrible breach in his enclosures; and if they once got in, he felt that the wooden volunteer at the end of his garden would certainly be knocked flat, and his summer-house (the roof of which was hung with a number of curious paper fly-traps), in all human probability utterly demolished. In this dilemma, and determined to accomplish by policy what he could not effect by force, he summoned his Factotum (a very stirring little man) into the summer-house adorned with paper fly-traps, and putting five guineas into his hand, desired him to seek out and bribe the bottleholders to alter the place of meeting, and instead of fixing on a spot contiguous to his villa, to determine on the premises of Don Philip Fire-and-fagotto, a Portuguese gentleman, who had long been in habits of intimacy with the family of the Bulls. Away went the Factotum (who, from being in the habits of cutting off the flaps of his coat to make breeches for a large family, was nick-named Spencer), and soon managed matters with the bottle-holders, who, provided

there

there was fighting, and all the good things consequent upon fighting, did not care one farthing where the battle was fought; but had there been difficulty, there was no man better calculated to surmount it than Spencer; he had obtained an influence in his parish, which at once marked his vigour, decision, and acuteness; he had united in his own person, the three distinct places of constable, regulator of the town-clock, and postmaster, and had the cleverness to execute the first and last of these offices by deputy, at a cheap rate, which left three fourths of the salary, and all the influence, in his own pocket. He was a staunch Tory and high churchman, and had a violent antipathy to cats and Quakers, the Bill of Rights, and the setting of a hand-saw: he knew a Presbyterian by the smell, and could distinguish between a Roman Catholic and a Protestant in the dark, by merely taking hold of the tip of the left ear. His tact with regard to the Methodists was equally fine; by passing his fingers up the right nostril, he could pronounce whether a rational being were a Calvinist or a supra-lapsarian. But it was at vestries that he chiefly shone: he used to browbeat the overseers, and had actually subjected the vicar to very grating restrictions, having contrived to exclude his horse from the churchyard, while he obtained free admission for his own geese and pig; in short, he was the life and soul of the party who were for screwing up the poor's rate, and not only stood prominently forward himself, but animated by his suggestions the very inferior, but equally indefatigable people who acted with him. He manufactured an orator out of a butcher's apprentice, called Yorke; and, in spite of many natural disadvantages, absolutely managed so as that the exciseman, whose name was Rose, made a very tolerable figure. A journeyman tailor, from the north of Ireland, also owed much to Spencer's assistance; his name, I think, was Castlereagh; he was

the

the originator of a plan to drown the frogs in a neighbouring marsh; the attempt failed, but its wisdom and boldness were long the topic of conversation in all the pot-houses in the parish. There was an attorney's clerk too, Croker, a very facetious fellow; but I am digressing widely, so now to my story

The day appointed for the fight at length arrived; the two combatants mounted the stage, in all the pride of muscle and ferocity; the crowd is hushed into a solemn silence, till Brute, with a forward blow, breaks Beast's under jaw, and Beast, with a dexterous backhand, knocks Brute's eye out of the socket; then are the heavens rent with acclamations; the rabble yell, yea, and the nobles of the land make a great shout; Brute is victorious; slowly he stalks away with the club-purse in his pocket, while Beast is put to bed to reflect at leisure on his defeat, and to meditate new millings.

Don Philip, who had been absent, taking leave of some of his family, who were going on ship-board for the Brazils, returned just in time to witness the devastation made by the ruffians of all ranks who had trampled down his property. By diligent inquiry he came at length to the facts of the case; and, highly and justly indignant, he proceeded to Mr. Bull's, to demand satisfaction for the great injury he had sustained.

He was ushered into the parlour, where Mr. Bull was enjoying his afternoon's pipe and his tankard.Don Philip being at length asked to sit down (not without some low muttering about intrusion and foreigners), stated the wrongs he had sustained; to which Mr. Bull listened with the most invincible composure. When the statement was closed, Don Philip was informed that for many years Mr. Bull had been in the habit of intrusting the management of his affairs unreservedly to Spencer, who was forth with called up from the kitchen to justify the measure, Don Philip now

entered

entered more minutely into the subject of his complaint, and particularly deplored the total and irreparable destruction of his fences, which had been pulled up and carried away by the populace. And now Spencer rose in reply; his whole mind swelling with subterfuge, and every sinew strained up to the utmost daring of assertion. He put forth his impressive little right leg, upon which his body vibrated; and here I would insert his very excellent speech, did not The Courier and The Morning Post, two immaculate daily prints, give continual specimens of this person's abilities. Suffice it to say, that, by a train of most ingenious argument, he endeavoured to prove that the destruction of the paling, and the extirpation of the vines and olivetrees, were materially serviceable and advantageous. "Then why," peevishly retorted Don Philip, "if all these benefits were derivable from having the battle fought on my ground, did you not expose your own fields to these depredations?"

"From motives," rejoined Spencer, with tears starting from his eyes," of the purest, the most refined disinte restedness. A battle was inevitable-what then was it incumbent upon me to do as a man and as a Christian? Was I selfishly to monopolize all the benefits of the fray, the rich fruits of the trampling, overthrowing, and demolishing, which you so feelingly describe?— Oh, no; far be such policy from Mr. Bull, or those he puts in authority under him. No person, I am proud to say, has been, on the face of the globe, more conspicuous for a noble disdain of all participation of discomfort, than honest Jonathan; humbly satisfied with his beef and his porter, his pipe and his pint of port, he lies down after a hot supper contented on his featherbed, rises satisfied to his tea and toast in the morning, and leaves all the incalculable profits of transferable inconvenience to such worthy persons as you, Don Philip, or your next-door neighbour, Don

Pedro

Pedro Purgatorio; nor shall his future conduct and mine disgrace the specimen we have already given you. We shall, I solemnly declare, steadily and uniformly persevere in these principles, and undeviatingly consult your true interests, by contriving that every future battle we can influence, shall be fought in the fields of our old and highly respected friend, Don Pedro Fire-and-fagotto."

Don Pedro retired to digest this dose of casuistry, of which he saw the drift; and pocketed his wrongs, because he could not yet redress them. Mr. Jonathan Bull, who had been dozing through the whole debate, now sunk back into his arm-chair, and fell fast asleep; while Spencer flew to his beloved occupations, setting the town-clock, and managing a majority at the next Vestry. T.

IF

AN ENIGMA.

TO BE POETICALLY SOLVED.

[From the Morning Herald, Jan. 30.】
F it be true, as Welshmen say,
Honour depends on pedigree;
Stand by, clear the

way,

Retire ye sons of haughty Gower,
And
you the spawn of old Glendower,
And let me have fair play.

For though you boast your ages dark,
Your lineage down from Noah's ark,
Painted on parchment nice;
I'm older still, though I was there,
As before that I did appear

With Eve in Paradise.

For I was Adam, Adam I;
And I was Eve, and Eve was I,

In spite of wind and weather:
Yet, mark me, Adam was not I,
Neither was Mrs. Adam I,
Unless they were together.

VOL. XVI.

Suppose,