particular friend, was pleased to rally me in his inimitable way upon it next day. I shall never forget a sensible thing he said on the occasion-speaking of absence of mind, my foible says he, my dear Hogs Several Ladies. Hogs-what-ha Mr. H. My dear Hogsflesh-my name(here a universal scream)-O my cursed unfortunate tongue !-H. I mean-where was I? 1st Lady. Filthy-abominable! 2d Lady. Unutterable! 3d Lady. Hogs-foh! 4th Lady. Disgusting! 5th Lady. Vile! 6th Lady. Shocking! 1st Lady. Odious ! 2d Lady. Hogs-pah! 3d Lady. A smelling bottle-look to Miss Melesinda. Poor thing! it is no wonder. You had better keep off from her, Mr. Hogsflesh, and not be pressing about her in her circumstances. Old Lady. Must beg you to be less particular in your addresses to me. Does he take me for a Jew, to long after forbidden meats? Mr. H. I shall go mad !-to be refused by old Mother Damnable-she that's so old, nobody knows whether she was ever married or no, but passes for a maid by courtesy ; her juvenile exploits being beyond the farthest stretch of tradition!-old Mother Damnable! [Exeunt all, either pitying or seeming to avoid him. SCENE.-The street. BELVIL and another Gentleman. Belvil. Poor Jack, I am really sorry for him. The account which you give me of his mortifying change of reception at the assembly, would be highly diverting, if it gave me less pain to hear it. With all his amusing absurdities, and amongst them not the least, a predominant desire to be thought well of by the fair sex, he has an abundant 1st Gent. Good time of day to you, Mr. share of good-nature, and is a man of Hogsflesh. 2d Gent. The compliments of the season to pened, Melesinda may do worse than take you, Mr. Hogsflesh. honour. Notwithstanding all that has hap him yet. But did the women resent it so Mr. H. This is too much-flesh and blood deeply as you say? cannot endure it. 1st Gent. What flesh ?-hog's-flesh ? 2d Gent. How he sets up his bristles! Mr. H. Bristles ! Gent. O, intolerably-they fled him as fearfully when 'twas once blown, as a man would be avoided, who was suddenly discovered to have marks of the plague, and as 1st Gent. He looks as fierce as a hog in fast; when before they had been ready to armour. Mr. H. A hog! -Madam!- -(here he severally accosts the Ladies, who by turns repel him.) 1st Lady. Extremely obliged to you for your attentions; but don't want a partner. 2d Lady. Greatly flattered by your preference but believe I shall remain single. 3d Lady. Shall always acknowledge your politeness; but have no thoughts of altering my condition. 4th Lady. Always be happy to respect you as a friend; but you must not look for anything further. 5th Lady. No doubt of your ability to make any woman happy; but have no thoughts of changing my name. 6th Lady. Must tell you, Sir, that if, by your insinuations, you think to prevail with me, you have got the wrong sow by the ear. Does he think any lady would go to pig with him? SCENE. MR. H―'s Apartment. Mr. H. (solus.) Was ever anything so mortifying to be refused by old Mother Damnable !-with such parts and address,— and the little squeamish devils, to dislike me for a name, a sound.-Oh my cursed name! that it was something I could be revenged on if it were alive, that I might tread upon it, or crush it, or pummel it, or kick it, or spit it out-for it sticks in my throat, and will choke me. My plaguy ancestors! if they had left me but a Van, or a Mac, or an Irish O', it had been something to qualify it.-Mynheer Van Hogsflesh, or Sawney Mac Hogsflesh,-or Sir Phelim O'Hogsflesh,-but downright blunt If it had been any other name in the world, I could have borne it. If it had been the name of a beast, as Bull, Fox, Kid, Lamb, Wolf, Lion; or of a bird, as Sparrow, Hawk, Buzzard, Daw, Finch, Nightingale; or of a fish, as Sprat, Herring, Salmon; or the name of a thing, as Ginger, Hay, Wood; or of a colour, as Black, Grey, White, Green; or of a sound, as Bray; or the name of a month, as March, May; or of a place, as Barnet, Baldock, Hitchen; or the name of a coin, as Farthing, Penny, Twopenny; or of a profession, as Butcher, Baker, Carpenter, Piper, Fisher, Fletcher, Fowler, Glover; or a Jew's name, as Solomons, Isaacs, Jacobs; or a personal name, as Foot, Leg, Crookshanks, Heaviside, Sidebottom, Longbottom, Ramsbottom, Winterbottom; or a long name, as Blanchenhagen, or Blanchenhausen; or a short name, as Crib, Crisp, Crips, Tag, Trot, Tub, Phips, Padge, Papps, or Prig, or Wig, or Pip, or Trip; Trip had been something, but Ho- (Walks about in great agitation -recovering his calmness a little, sits down.) Farewell the most distant thoughts of marriage; the finger-circling ring, the purityfiguring glove, the envy-pining bridemaids, the wishing parson, and the simpering clerk. Farewell the ambiguous blush-raising joke, the titter-provoking pun, the morningstirring drum.-No son of mine shall exist, to bear my ill-fated name. No nurse come chuckling, to tell me it is a boy. No midwife, leering at me from under the lids of professional gravity. I dreamed of caudle.(Sings in a melancholy tone.) Lullaby, Lullaby,-hush-a-by-baby-how like its papa it is!-(Makes motions as if he was nursing.) And then, when grown up, "Is this your son, Sir?" Yes, Sir, a poor copy of me, a sad young dog,-just what his father was at his age, I have four more at home." Oh! oh! oh! Enter LANDLORD. Mr. H. Landlord, I must pack up to night; you will see all my things got ready. Landlord. Hope your Honour does not intend to quit the Blue Boar,-sorry any thing has happened. Mr. H. He has heard it all. Landlord. Your Honour has had some mortification, to be sure, as a man may say; you have brought your pigs to a fine market. Mr. H. Pigs! Landlord. What then? take old Pry's advice, and never mind it. Don't scorch your crackling for 'em, Sir. Mr. H. Scorch my crackling! a queer phrase; but I suppose he don't mean to affront me. Landlord. What is done can't be undone ; you can't make a silken purse out of a sow's ear. Mr. H. As you say, Landlord, thinking of a thing does but augment it. Landlord. Does but hogment it, indeed, Sir. Mr. H. Hogment it! damn it, I said augment it. Landlord. Lord, Sir, 'tis not everybody has such gift of fine phrases as your Honour, that can lard his discourse— Mr. H. Lard! Landlord. Suppose they do smoke you— Mr. H. Smoke me! Landlord. One of my phrases; never mind my words, Sir, my meaning is good. We all mean the same thing, only you express yourself one way, and I another, that's all. The meaning's the same; it is all pork. Mr. H. That's another of your phrases, I presume. [Bell rings, and the Landlord called for. Landlord. Anon, anon. Mr. H. Oh, I wish I were anonymous. [Exeunt several ways. SCENE.-Melesinda's Apartment. MELESINDA and Maid. Maid. Lord, Madam! before I'd take on as you do about a foolish-what signifies a name? Hogs-Hogs-what is it-is just as good as any other, for what I see. Melesinda. Ignorant creature! yet she is perhaps blest in the absence of those ideas, which, while they add a zest to the few pleasures which fall to the lot of superior natures to enjoy, doubly edge the Maid. Superior natures! a fig! If he's hog by name, he's not hog by nature, that don't follow-his name don't make him anything, does it? He don't grunt the more for it, nor squeak, that ever I hear; he likes his victuals out of a plate, as other Christians do; you never see him go to the trough Melesinda. Unfeeling wretch! yet possibly her intentions Melesinda. Oh! Mr. H. Who knows but among the female natives might be found Melesinda. Sir! (raising her head.) Mr. H. One who would be more kind than Melesinda. Oh! Maid. For instance, Madam, my name is Finch-Betty Finch. I don't whistle the more for that, nor long after canary-seed while I can get good wholesome mutton--some Oberea-Queen Oberea. no, nor you can't catch me by throwing salt on my tail. If you come to that, hadn't I a young man used to come after me, they said courted me his name was Lion, Francis Lion, a tailor; but though he was fond enough of me, for all that he never offered to eat me. Melesinda. How fortunate that the discovery has been made before it was too late! Had I listened to his deceits, and, as the perfidious man had almost persuaded me, precipitated myself into an inextricable engagement before Maid. No great harm if you had. You'd only have bought a pig in a poke-and what then? Oh, here he comes creeping Enter MR. H. abject. Go to her, Mr. Hogs-Hogs-Hogsbristles, what's your name? Don't be afraid, man— don't give it up-she's not crying-only summat has made her eyes red-she has got a sty in her eye, I believe-(going). Melesinda. You are not going, Betty? Maid. O, Madam, never mind me- -I shall be back in the twinkling of a pig's whisker, as they say. [Exit. Mr. H. Melesinda, you behold before you a wretch who would have betrayed your confidence-but it was love that prompted him; who would have trick'd you, by an unworthy concealment, into participation of that disgrace which a superficial world has agreed to attach to a name-but with it you would have shared a fortune not contemptible, and a heart-but 'tis over now. That name he is content to bear alone-to go where the persecuted syllables shall be no more heard, or excite no meaning-some spot where his native tongue has never penetrated, nor any of his countrymen have landed, to plant their unfeeling satire, their brutal wit, and national ill manners-where no Englishmen (Here MELESINDA, who has been pouting during this speech, fetches a deep sigh). Some yet undiscovered Otaheite, where witless, unapprehensive savages shall innocently pronounce the ill-fated sounds, and think them not inharmonious. Mr. H. Or what if I were to seek for proofs of reciprocal esteem among unprejudiced African maids, in Monomotopa? Enter Servant. Servant. Mr. Belvil. [Exit. Enter BELVIL. Mr. H. Monomotopa (musing). Belvil. Heyday, Jack! what means this mortified face? nothing has happened, I hope, between this lady and you? I beg pardon, Madam, but understanding my friend was with you, I took the liberty of seeking him here. Some little difference possibly which a third person can adjust—not a word. Will you, Madam, as this gentleman's friend, suffer me to be the arbitratorstrange-hark'ee, Jack, nothing has come out, has there? you understand me. Oh, I guess how it is-somebody has got at your secret; you haven't blabbed it yourself, have you? ha! ha ha! I could find in my heart-Jack, what would you give me if I should relieve you? Mr. H. No power of man can relieve me (sighs); but it must lie at the root, gnawing at the root-here it will lie. Belvil. No power of man? not a common man, I grant you: for instance, a subject— it's out of the power of any subject. Mr. H. Gnawing at the root-there it will lie. Belvil. Such a thing has been known as a name to be changed; but not by a subject— (shows a Gazette). Mr. H. Gnawing at the root-(suddenly snatches the paper out of BELVIL's hand)—ha! pish! nonsense! give it me-what! (reads) promotions, bankrupts-a great many bankrupts this week-there it will lie. (Lays it down, takes it up again, and reads.) "The King has been graciously pleased"-gnawing at the root-"graciously pleased to grant unto John Hogsflesh," the devil-“ Hogsflesh, Esq., of Sty Hall, in the county of Hants, his royal licence and authority"—O Lord! O Lord!" that he and his issue "me and my issue-“may take and use the surname and arms of Bacon "-Bacon, the surname and arms of Bacon-" in pursuance of an injunction contained in the last will and testament of Nicholas Bacon, Esq., his late uncle, as well as out of grateful respect to his memory:"-grateful respect! poor old soul-here's more-" and that such arms may be first duly exemplified "-they shall, I will take care of that—" according to the laws of arms, and recorded in the Herald's Office." Belvil. Come, Madam, give me leave to put my own interpretation upon your silence, and to plead for my friend, that now that only obstacle which seemed to stand in the way of your union is removed, you will suffer me to complete the happiness which my news seems to have brought him, by introducing him with a new claim to your favour, by the name of Mr. Bacon. (Takes their hands and joins them, which MELESINDA seems to give consent to with a smile.) Mr. H. Generous Melesinda! my dear friend-"he and his issue," me and my issue! -O Lord! Belvil. I wish you joy, Jack, with all my heart. Mr. H. Bacon, Bacon, Bacon-how odd it sounds! I could never be tired of hearing it. There was Lord Chancellor Bacon. Methinks I have some of the Verulam blood in me already. Methinks I could look through Nature-there was Friar Bacon, a conjuror, -I feel as if I could conjure too Belvil. It is true what my friend would express; we have been all in a mistake, ladies. Very true, the name of this gentleman was what you call it, but it is so no longer. The succession to the long-contested Bacon estate is at length decided, and with it my friend succeeds to the name of his deceased relative. Mr. H. "His Majesty has been graciously pleased "— 1st Lady. I am sure we all join in hearty congratulation-(sighs). 2nd Lady. And wish you joy with all our hearts—(heigh ho !) Old Lady. And hope you will enjoy the name and estate many years-(cries). Belvil. Ha! ha! ha! mortify them a little, Jack. 1st Lady. Hope you intend to stay Mr. H. Ladies, for your congratulations I thank you; for the favours you have lavished on me, and in particular for this lady's (turning to the old Lady) good opinion, I rest your debtor. As to any future favours(accosts them severally in the order in which he was refused by them at the assembly)—Madam, shall always acknowledge your politeness; but at present, you see, I am engaged with a partner. Always be happy to respect you as a friend, but you must not look for anything further. Must beg of you to be less particular in your addresses to me. Ladies all, with this piece of advice, of Bath and you Your ever grateful servant takes his leave. Lay your plans surer when you plot to grieve; See, while you kindly mean to mortify Your shafts have miss'd their aim-Hogsflesh has saved his Bacon. |