Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Writer, broadcaster, and wit Gyles Brandreth has completely revised Ned Sherrin's classic collection of wisecracks, one-liners, and anecdotes. With over 1,000 new quotations from all media, it's easy to find hilarious quotes on subjects ranging from Argument to Diets, from Computers to The Weather. Add sparkle to your speeches and presentations, or just enjoy a good laugh in company with Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, Joan Rivers, Kathy Lette, Frankie Boyle, and friends.
"Now we have the World Wide Web (the only thing I know of whose shortened form-www-takes three times longer to say than what it's short for)" --Douglas Adams
"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends" --Woody Allen
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight" --Phyllis Diller
"Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit" --Elizabeth Gilbert
"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it" --Terry Pratchett
"Retreat, hell We're only attacking in another direction" --American general Oliver P. Smith