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But to return to the war meetin'. It was largely attended. The Editor of the Bugle arose and got up and said the fact could no longer be disguised that we were involved in a war. Human gore," said he, "is flowin'. All able-bodied men should seize a musket and march to the tented field. I repeat it, sir, to the tented field.”

A voice-"Why don't you go yourself, you old blowhard ?"

"I am identified, young man, with an Arkymedian leaver which moves the world," said the Editor, wiping his auburn brow with his left coat-tail: "I allude, young man, to the press. Terms, two dollars a year, invariably in advance. Job printing executed with neatness and dispatch!" And with this brilliant bust of elekance the editor introduced Mr. J. Brutus Hinkins, who is sufferin' from an attack of College in a naberin' place. Mr. Hinkins said Washington was not safe. Who can save our national capeetle?

"DAN SETCHELL," I said. "He can do it afternoons. Let him plant his light and airy form onto the Long Bridge, make faces at the hirelin' foe, and they'll skedaddle! Old SETCH can do it!"

"I call the Napoleon of Showmen," said the editor of the Bugle "I call that Napoleonic man, whose life is adorned with so many noble virtues, and whose giant mind lights up this warlike scene-I call him to order."

I will remark, in this connexion, that the editor of the Bugle does my job printing.

"You," said Mr. Hinkins, "who live away from the busy haunts of men do not comprehend the magnitood of the crisis. The busy haunts of men is where people comprehend this crisis. We who live in the busy haunts of men-that is to say, we dwell, as it were, in the busy haunts of men."

"I really trust that the gent'l'man will not fail to say suthin' about the busy haunts of men, before he sits down," said I.

"I claim the right to express my sentiments here," said Mr. Hinkins, in a slightly indignant tone, "and I shall brook no interruption, if I am a Softmore.”

"You couldn't be more soft, my young friend," I observed, whereupon there was cries of "Order! order!"

“I regret I can't mingle in this strife personally," said the young man.

"You might inlist as a liberty-pole," said I in a silvery whisper.

"But," he added, "I have a voice, and that voice is for war." The young man then closed his speech with some strikin' and original remarks in relation to the star-spangled banner. He was followed by the village minister, a very worthy man indeed, but whose sermons have a tendency to make people sleep pretty industriously.

“I am willin' to inlist for one," he said. What's your weight, parson ?" I asked. "A hundred and sixty pounds," he said.

"Well, you can inlist as a hundred and sixty pounds of morphine, your dooty bein' to stand in the hospitals arter a battle, and preach while the surgical operations is bein' performed! Think how much you'd save the Gov'ment in morphine."

He didn't seem to see it; but he made a good speech, and the editor of the Bugle rose to read the resolutions, commencin' as follers :

"Resolved, That we view with anxiety the fact that there is now a war goin' on, and

"Resolved, That we believe Stonewall JACKSON sympathizes with the secession movement, and that we hope the nine-months' men”—

At this point he was interrupted by the sounds of silvery footsteps on the stairs, and a party of wimin, carryin' guns and led by BETSY JANE, who brandish'd a loud and rattlin' umbereller, burst into the room.

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"Here," cried I, are some nine-months' wimin!" "Mrs. WARD," said the editor of the Bugle"Mrs. WARD, and ladies, what means this extr'ord'n'ry demonstration ?"

"It means," said that remarkable female, "that you men air makin' fools of yourselves. You air willin' to talk and urge others to go to the wars, but you don't go to the wars yourselves. War meetin's

is

very nice in their way, but they don't keep Stonewall JACKSON from comin' over to Maryland and helpin' himself to the fattest beef critters. What we want is more cider and less talk. We want you ablebodied men to stop speechifying, which don't 'mount to the wiggle of a sick cat's tail, and go to fi'tin'; otherwise you can stay at home and take keer of the children, while we wimin will go to the wars!"

"Gentl'men," said I, "that's my wife! Go in, old gal!" and I throw'd up my ancient white hat in perfeck rapters.

"Is this roll-book to be filled up with the names of men or wimin ?" she cried.

“With men—with men !" and our quoty was made up that very night.

There is a great deal of gas about these war meetin's. A war meetin', in fact, without gas, would be suthin' like the play of HAMLET with the part of OTHELLO omitted.

Still believin' that the Goddess of Liberty is about as well sot up with as any young lady in distress could expect to be, I am

Yours more'n anybody else's,

A. WARD.

II.

ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

NEW YORK, NEAR FIFTH AVENOO HOTEL,

Editer of Play Bill.

Org. 31ct.

DR. SIR-Yrs, into which you ask me to send you sum leadin incidents in my life so you can write my Bogfry for the papers, cum dooly to hand. I hav no doubt that a article onto my life, grammattycally jerked and properly punktooated, would be a addition to the chois literatoor of the day.

To the yooth of Ameriky it would be vallyble as showin how high a pinnykle of fame a man can reach who commenst his career with a small canvas tent and a pea-green ox, which he rubbed it off while scratchin hisself agin the center pole, causin in Rahway N. J. discriminatin mob to say humbugs would not go down in their village. The ox resoom'd agricultooral pursoots shortly afterwards.

I next tried my hand at givin Blind-man concerts, appearin as the poor blind-man myself. But the

a