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THE WALTZ.

IN APOSTROPHIC HYMN.

1813

Qualis in Eurota ripis, aut per juga Cynthi,
Exercet Diana choros.'

VIRGIL..

• Such on Eurotas' banks, or Cynthia's height,
Diana seems : and so she charms the sight,
When in the dance the graceful goddess leads
The quire of nymphs, and overtops their licads.

DRYDENS Virgil.

TO THE PUBLISHER. SIR-I am a country gentleman of a midland county. I might have been a Parliament man for a certain horough; having had the offer of as many votes as General T. at the general election in 1812.* But I was all for domestic happiness ; as, fifteen years ago, on a visit to London, í married a middle-aged maid of nonour. We lived happily at Hornem Hall till last season, when my wife and I were invited by the Countess of Waltzaway (a distant relation of my spouse) to pass the winter in town. Thinking no harm, and our girls being come to a inátriageable (or, as they call it, marketable) agc, and having besides a Chancery suit inveterately entailed upon the family estate, we came up in our old chariot ; of which, by the by, my wife grew so much ashamed in less than a week, that I was obliged to buy a second-hand batouche, of which I might mount the box, Mrs. H. says, if I could drive, but never see the inside-that place being reserved for the Honourable Augustus Tiptoe, her partner-general and opera-knight. Heating great praises of Mrs. H.'s dancing (she was famous for birthnight minuets in the latter end of the last century), I unbooted, and went to a ball at the Countessos, expecting to see à country dance, or, at most, cotillons, reels, and all the old paces to the newest tunes. But judge of my surprise, on arriving, to see poor dear Mrs. Hornem with her arms half round the loins of a huge hussar-looking gentleman I never set eyes on before: and his, to say truth, rather more than half round her waist, turning round, and round, and round, to a d-d see-saw lip-and-down sort of tune, that reininded me of the · Black Joke,' only more 'affetuoso,' till it made me quite giddy with wondering they were not so. By and by they stopped a bit, and I thought they would sit or fall down. But no; with Mrs. H.'s hand on his shoulder, 'quam familiariter 't (as Terence said when I was at school), they walked about a minute, and then at it again, like two cockchafers spitted upon the same bodkin. I asked what all this meant, when, with a loud laugh, a child no older than our Wilhelmina (a name I never heard but in the Vicar of IVakefield, though her mother would call her after the Princess of Swap. penbach) said, “ Lord! Mr. Hornem, can't you see they are valtzing !' or waltzing (I forget which); and then up she got, and her mother and sister, and away they went, and round-abouted it till supper-time. Now that I know what it is, I like it of all things, and so does Mrs. H. (though I have broken my shins, and four times overturned Mrs. Hornem's maid, in practising the preliminary steps in a morning). Indeed, so much do I like it, that having a turn for rhyme, tastily displayed in some election ballads, and songs in honour of all the victories (but till lately I have had little practice in that way), I sat down, and with the aid of William Fitzgerald, Esq., and a few hints from Dr. Busby (whose recitations I attend, and am monstrous fond of Master Busby's manner of delivering his father's laté successful . Drury Lane Address'). I composed the following hymn, wherewithal to make my sentiments known to the public; whom, nevertheless, I heartily despise, as well as the critics.-I am, Sir, yours, &c. &c.,

HORACE HORNEM.

* State of the poll (last day), 5

| My Latin is all forgotten, if a man can be said to have forgotten what he never remembered; but I bought my title-page motto of a Catholic priest for a three-shilling bank token, after much haggling for the even sixpence. 1 grudged the money to a Papist, being all for the memory of Perceval and No Popery," and quite regretting the downfall of the Pope, because we can't burn him any more.

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MUŞE of the many-twinkling feet !* wliose charms Imperial Waltz! iniported from the Rhine
Are now extended up from legs to arms;

(Famed for the growth of pedigrees and wine), Terpsichore !-too long misdeem'd a maid

Long be thine import from all duty free,
Reproachful term—bestow'd but to upbraid- And hock itself be less esteem'd than thee ;
Henceforth in all the bronze of brightness shine, In some few qualities alike-for hock
The least a vestal of the virgin Nine.

Improves our cellar--thou our living stock.
Far be from thee and thine the name of prude; The head to hock belongs—thy subtler art
Mock'd, yet triumphant; sneer'd at, unsubdued; Intoxicates alone the heedless heart :
Thy legs must move to conquer as they fly,

Through the full veins thy gentler poison swims, If but thy coats are reasonably high;

And wakes to wantonness the willing limbs.
Thy breast, if bare enough, requires no shield :
Dance forth-sans armour thou shalt take the O Germany I how much to thee we owe,
field,

As heaven-born Pitt can testify below,
And own-impregnable to most assaults,

Ere cursed confederation made thee France's, Thy not too lawfully begotten 'Waltz.'

And only left us thy d-d debts and dances!

Of subsidies and Hanover bereft, Hail, nimble nymph! to whom the young hussar, We bless thee still-for George the Third is left! The whisker'd votary of waltz and war,

of kings the best, and last not least in worth, His night devotes, despite of spurs and boots; For graciously begetting George the Fourth. A sight unınatch'd since Orpheus and his brutes: To Germany, and highnesses serene, Hail, spirit-stirring Waltz! beneath whose ban- Who owe us millions--don t we owe the queen?

To Germany, what owe we not besides ? A modern hero fought for modish inanners;

So oft bestowing Brunswickers and brides : On Hounslow's heath to rival Wellesley's fame,

Who paid for vulgar, with her royal blood, Cock'd, fired, and miss'd his man-but gain'd his Drawn from the stem of each Teutonic stud; aim:

Who sent us-so be pardoned all our faultsHail, moving Muse! to whom the fair one's breast A dozen dukes, some kings, a queen--and Waltz. Gives all it can, and bids us take the rest. Oh, for the flow of Busby or of Fitz,

But peace to her, her emperor and diet, The latter's loyalty, the former's wits,

Though now transferr'd to Bonaparte's 'fiat !' To energize the object I pursue,'

Back to my theme-O Muse of motion I say, And give both Belial and his dance their due ! How first to Albion found thy Waltz her way?

Borne on the breath of hyperborean gales "Glance their many-twinkling reet.'--GRAY. † To rival Lord Wellesley's, or his nephew's, as the

From Hamburg's port (while Hamburg yet had reader pleases. The one gained a pretty woman,

mails), whom he deserved, by fighting for; and the other has Ere yet unlucky Fame, compelled to creep been fighting in the Peninsula many a long day: To snowy Gottenburg, was chill'd to sleep; " by Shrewsbury clock, without gaining anything in that country but the title of the great Lord, and Or, starting from her 'slumbers, deign d arise, * the Lord which savours of profanation, having Heligoland, to stock thy mart with lies ; been hitherto applied only to that Being to whom Te While unburnt Moscow yet had news to send, Deums for carnage is the rankest blasphemy. It is to be presumed that the general will one day return to Nor owed her fiery exit to a friend, his Sabine farm, there

She came-Waltz came and with her certain sets .To tame the genius of the stubborn plain, Of true despatches, and as true gazettes :

Almost as quickly as he conquer'd Spain !'. The Lord Peterborough conquered continents in a

Then flamed of Austerlitz the blest despatch, summer ; we do more: we contrive both to conquer Which Moniteur nor Morning Post can match; and lose them in a shorter season. If the great And, almost crushed beneath the glorious news, Lord's Cincinnatian progress in agriculture be no speedier than the proportional average of time in Ten plays, and forty tales of Kotzebue's: Pope's couplet, it will

, according to the farmer's pro. One envoy's letters, six composers' airs, verb, be ploughing with dogs.

And loads from Frankfort and from Leipsic fairs; By the by, one of this illustrious person's new titles is forgotten; it is, however, worth reinembering-SalMeiner's four volumes upon womankind, vador del mundo ! credite, posteri! If this be the Like Lapland witches to ensure a wind; appellation annexed by the inhabitants of the Peninsula Brunck's heaviest tome for ballast, and, to back it, to the name of a man who has not yet saved themquery, are they worth saving, even in this world? Of Heynė, such as should not sink the packet. for, according to the mildest modifications of any Christian creed, those three words make the odds

Fraught with this cargo, and her fairest freight, much against them in the next. Saviour of the world, quotha !)-it were to be wished that he, or Delightful Waltz, on tiptoe for a mate, any one else could save a corner of it- his country. The welcome vessel reach'd the genial strand, Yet this stupid misnomer, although it shows the near And round her flock'd the daughters of the land. connexion between superstition and impiety, so far has its use, that it proves there can be little to dread Not decent David, when, before the ark, from those Catholics (inquisitorial Catholics too) who His grand pas-seul excited some remark; can confer such an appellation on a Protestant. 1 Not love-lorn Quixote, when his Sancho thought suppose next year he will be entitled the Virgin The knight's fandango friskier than it ought: have nothing to object to such liberal bastards of our Not soft Herodias, when, with winning tread, Lady of Babylon.

Her nimble feet danced off another's head;

Not Cleopatra on her galley's deck,
Display'd so much of leg, or more of neck,
Than thou, ambrosial Waltz, when first the moon
Beheld thee twirling to a Saxon tune !

To you, ye husbands of ten years ! whose brows Ache with the annual tributes of a spouse : To you of nine years less, who only bear The budding sprouts of those that you shall wear, With added ornaments around them rollid Of native brass, or law-awarded gold: To you, ye matrons, ever on the watch To mar a son's, or inake a daughter's, match; To you, ye children of-whom chance accords.1lways the ladies, and sometimes their lords ; To you, ye single gentlemen, who seek Torments for life, or pleasures for a week ; As Love or Hymen your endeavours guide, To gain your own, or snatch another's bride ;To one and all the lovely stranger came, And every ball-room echoes with her name.

Seductive Waltz !--though on thy native shore Even Werter's self proclaim'd thee half a whore ; Werter-to decent vice though much inclined, Yet warm, not wanton ; dazzled, but not blind Though gentle Genlis, in her strife with Stael, Would even proscribe thee from a Paris ball; The fashion hails from countesses to queens, And maids and valets waltz behind the scenes ; Wide and more wide thy witching circle spreads. And turns—if nothing else--at least our heads; With thee even clumsy cits attempt to bounce, And cockneys practise what they can't pronounce. Gods! how the glorious theme my strain exalts, And rhyme finds partner rhyine in praise of Waltz!

Endearing Waltz ! to thy more melting tune
Bow Irish jig and ancient rigadoon.
Scotch reels, avaunt! and country dance, forego
Your future claims to each fantastic toe!
Waltz, Waltz alone, both legs and arms demands,
Liberal of feet, and lavish of her hands;
Hands which may freely range in public sight
Where ne'er before-but-pray 'put out the light.'
Methinks the glare of yonder chandelier
Shines much too far, or I am much too near ;
And true, though strange - Waltz whispers this

remark,
My slippery steps are safest in the dark !"
But here the Muse with due decorum halts,
And lends her longest petticoat :i Waitz.

Blest was the time Waltz chose her for début : The court, the Regent, like herself, were new; New face for friends, for foes some new rewards; New ornaments for black and royal guards; New laws to hang the rogues that roard for bread; New coins (most new) to follow those that fled; New victories-nor can we prize them less, Though Jenky* wonders at his own success; New wars, because the old succeed so well, That most survivors envy those who fell; New mistresses-no, old-and yet 'tis true, Though they be old, the thing is something new; Each new, quite new—(except some ancient tricks), New white-sticks, gold-sticks, broom-sticks, all new

sticks! With vests or ribbons, deck'd alike in hue, New troopers strut, new turncoats blush in blue ; So saith the muse I iny - what say you ? Such was the time when Waltz might best inaintain Her new preferments in this novel reign; Such was the time, nor ever yet was such; Hoops are no more, and petticoats not much; Morals and minuets, virtue and her stays, And tell-tale powder-all have had their days. The ball begins--the honours of the house First duly done by daughter or by spouse, Some potentate-or royal or serene With Kent's gay grace, or sapient Glo'ster's mien, Leads fortlı the ready clame, whose rising flush Might once have been mistaken for a blush. From where the garb just leaves the bosom free, That spot where hearts were once supposed to be ;t Round all the confines of the yielded waist, The stranger's hand may wander undisplaced ; The lady's in return may grasp as much As princely paunches offer to her touch. Pleased round the chalky floor how well they trip, One hand reposing on the royal hip;

Observant travellers of every time!
Ye quartos publish'd upon every clime !
Oh, say, shall dull Romaika's heavy round,
Fandango's wriggles, or Bolero's bound;
Can Egypt's Almas*--tantalizing group-
Columbia's caperers to the warlike whoop-
Can aught from cold Kamschatka to Cape Horn
With Waltz compare, or after Waltz be borne ?
Ah, no! from Morier's pages down to Galt's,
Each tourist pens a paragraph for • Waltz.'

Shades of those belles whose reign began of yore,
With George the Third's-and ended long before !
Though in your daughters' daughters yet you thrive,
Burst from your lead, and be yourselves alive!
Back to the ball-room speed your spectred host;
Fools' Paradise is dull to that you lost.
No treacherous powder bids conjecture quake;
No stiff-starch'd stays make meddling fingers ache
(Transferr'd to those ambiguous things that ape
Goats in their visage, women in their shape);
No damsel faints when rather closely pressid,
But more caressing seems when most caress'd;
Superfluous hartshorn and reviving salts,
Both banish'd by the sovereign cordial, "Waltz.'

• Jenkinson.

+ We have changed all that,' says the Mock Doctor; 'tis all gone : Asmodeus knows where. After all, it is of no great importance how women's hearts are disposed of; they have Nature's privilege to distribute them as absurdly as possible. But there are also soine men with hearts so thoroughly bad, as to remind us of those phenomena often mentioned in natural history, viz. a mass of stone-only to be opened by force-and when divided, you find a toad in the centre, lively, and with the reputation of being Venomous.

* Dancing girls.

The other to the shoulder no less royal,

Rush to the heart, and lighten through the frame, Ascending with affection truly loyal !

With half-told wish and ill-dissembled flame : Thus front to front the partners move or stand, For prurient nature still will storm the breastThe foot may rest, but none withdraw the hand;

Iho, tempted thus, can answer for the rest ? And all in turn may follow in their rank, The Earl of-Asterisk-and Lady-Blank;

But ye-who never felt a single thought, Sir-Such-a-one-with those of fashion's host,

For what our morals are to be, or ought : For whose blest surnames-vide Morning Post Who wisely wish the charms you view to reap. (Or if for that impartial print too late,

Say--would you make those beauties quite so cheap! Search Doctors' Commons six months from my

Hot from the hands promiscuously applied, date),

Round the slight waist, or down the flowing side, Thus all and each, in movement swift or slow,

Where were the rapture then to clasp the form The genial contact gently undergo ;

From this lewd grasp and lawless contact warm? Till some might marvel, with the modest Turk, At once love's inost endearing thought resign, If nothing follows all this palming work."

To press the hand so press'd by none but thine ; True, honest Mirzy !--you may trust my rhyme- To gaze upon that eye which never met Something does follow at a fitter time;

Another's ardent look without regret ; The breast thus publicly resigned to man

Approach the lip which all, without restraint, In private may resist him-if it can.

Come near enough-if not to touch-to taint;

If such thou lovest-love her then no more, Oye who loved our grandmothers of yore,

Or give-like her-caresses to a score ; Fitzpatrick, Sheridan, and many more!

Her mind with these is gone, and with it go And thou, my prince! whose sovereign taste and

The little left behind it to bestow. will It is to love the lovely beldames still !

Voluptuous Waltz! and dare I thus blaspheme? Thou ghost of Queensberry ! whose judging sprite

Thy bard forgot thy praises were his theme. Satan may spare to peep a single night,

Terpsichore, forgive !-at every ball Pronounce-if ever in your days of bliss

My wife !!ow waltzes,and my daughters shall : Asmodeus struck so bright a stroke as this;

My son-(or stop-'tis needless to inquireTo teach the young ideas how to rise,

These little accidents should ne'er transpire Flush in the cheek, and languish in the eyes ;

Somc ages hence our genealogic tree

Will wear as green a bough for him as me) • In Turkey, a pertinent, here an impertinent and

Waltzing shall rear, to make our name amends, superfluous question-literally put, as in the text, by a Persian to Morier, on seeing a waltz in Pera. -Vide

Grandsons for me-in heirs to all his friends. Merier's Travels.

The VISION OF JUDGMENT.

BY QUEVEDO REDIVIVUS.

SUGGESTED BY THE COMPOSITION SO ENTITLED BY THE AUTHOR OF 'WAT TYLER.

PUBLISHED IN THE LIBERAL.' 1822.

'A Daniel come to judgment ! yea, a Daniel !
I thank thee, Jew, for teaching me that word:

PREFACE.
IT hath been wisely said, that one fool makes many;' and it hath been poetically observedl,

• That fools rush in where angels fear to tread.'-Pope. If Mr. Southey had not rushed in where he had no business, and where he never was before, and never will be again, the following poem would not have been written. It is not impossible that it may be as good as his own, seeing that it cannot, by any species of stupidity, natural or acquired, be worse. The gross lattery, the dull impudence, the renegado intolerance and impious cant, of the poem by the author of Wat Tyler, are something so stupendous as to form the sublime of himself-containing the quintessence of his swn attributes. Sa much for his poem--a word on his preface. In this preface it has pleased the magnanimous Laurcate

E

to draw the picture of a supposed .Satanic School,' the which he doth recommend to the notice of the Legislature, thereby adding to his other laurels the ambition of those of an informer. If there exists any. where, except in his imagination, such a school, is he not sufficiently armed against it by his own intense vanity? The truth is, that there are certain writers whom Mr. S. imagines, like Scrub, to have talked of him; for they laughed consumedly.'

I think I know enough of most of the writers to whom he is supposed to allude, to assert, that they, in their individual capacities, have done more good, in the charities of life, to their fellow-creatures in any one year, ihan Mr. Southey has done harm to himself by his absurdities in his whole life; and this is saying a great deal. But I have a few questions to ask.

Islly, Is Mr. Southey the author of IVat Tyler ?

2dly, Was he not refused a remedy at law by the highest judge of his beloved England, because it was a blasphemous and seditious publication ?

3diy, Was he not entitled by William Smith, in full Parliament, 'a rancorous renegados
4thly, Is he not Poet Laureate, with his own lines on Martin the regicide staring him in the face?

And 5thly, Putting the four preceding items together, with what conscience dare he call the attention of the laws to the publications of others, be they what they inay?

I say nothing of the cowardice of such a proceeding; its meanness speaks for itself; but I wish to touch upon the motive, which is neither more nor less than that Mr. S. has been laughed at a little in some recent publications, as he was of yore in the Anti-Fiacobin by his present patrons. Hence all this 'skimble. scamble stuff'about 'Satanic,' and so forth. However, it is worthy of him-qualis ab incepto,

If there is anything obnoxious to the poetical opinions of a portion of the public in the following poem, they may thank Mr. Southey. He might have written hexameters, as he has written everything else, for aught that the writer cared-had they been upon another subject. But to attempt to canonize a monarch who, whatever were his household virtues, was neither a successful, nor a patriot king-inasmuch as several years of his reign passed in war with America and Ireland, to say nothing of the aggression upon Francelike all other exaggeration, necessarily begets opposition. In whatever manner he may be spoken of in this new Vision, his pubiic career will not be more favourably transmitted by history. Of his private virtues (although a little expensive to the nation) there can be no doubt.

With regard to the supernatural personages treated of, I can only say that I know as much about them, and (as an honest man) have a better right to talk of them, than Robert Southey. I have also treated them more tolerantly. The way in which that poor insane creature, the Laureate, deals about his judgments in the next world, is like his own judgments in this. If it was not completely ludicrous, it would be something worse. I don't think that there is much more to say at present.

QUEVEDO REDIVIVUS. P.S.-It is possible that some readers may object, in these objectionable times, to the freedom with which saints, angels, and spiritual persons discourse in this l'ision. But, for precedents upon such points, I must refer him to Fielding's Journey from this IVorld to the next, and to the Visions of myself, the said Quevedo, in Spanish or translated. The reader is also requested to observe, that no doctrinal tenets are in. sisted upon or discussed; that the person of the Deity is carefully withheld from sight, which is more than can be said for the Laureate, who hath thought proper to make Him talk, not like a school divine,' but like the unscholar-like Mr. Southey. The whole action passes on the outside of heaven; and Chaucer's Wife of Bath, Pulci's Morgante Maggiore, Swift's Tale of a Tub, and the other works above referred to, are cases in point of the freedom with which saints, etc., may be permitted to converse in works not intended to be serious.-Q. R.

Mr. Southey being, as he says, a good Christian and vindictive, threatens, I understand, a reply to this our answer. It is to be hoped that his visionary faculties will in the meantime have acquired a little more judgment, properly so called : otherwise he will get himself into new dilemmas. These apostate Jacobins furnish rich rejoinders. Let him take a specimen. Mr. Southey laudeth grievously .one Mr. Landor,' who cultivates much private renown in the shape of Latin verses; and not long ago, the Poet Laureate dedicated to him, it appeareth, one of his fugitive lyrics upon the strength of a poem called Gebir. Who could suppose that in this same Gebir the aforesaid Savage Landor (for such is his grim cognomen) putteth into the infernal regions no less a person than the hero of his friend Mr. Southey's heaven, -yea, even George the Third ! See also how personal Savage becometh, when he hath a mind. The following is his portrait of our late gracious sovereign : (Prince Gebir having descended into the infernal regions, the shades of his royal ancestors are, at his request, called up to his view; and he exclaims to his ghostly guide

• Aroar, what wretch that nearest us? what wretch
Is that with eyebrows white and slanting brow?
Listen! him yonder, who, bound down supine,
Shrinks yelling from that sword there, engine-hung!
He too amongst my ancestors? I hate
The despot, but the dastard I despise.
Was he our countryman!

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