not be a restraint upon me. Thus was it then with me, and he perceived it; for something I suppose I had spoken, wherein the tones of my voice appeared choked with weeping, and so had risen up. He then remained where we were sitting, lost in amazement. I cast myself down I know not how, under a certain fig-tree, and gave rein to my tears; and the floods of mine eyes broke forth, "an acceptable sacrifice to Thee" (Ps. li. 19). And, not indeed in these words, yet to this purpose, spake I much unto Thee: “and Thou, O Lord, how long? how long, Lord, wilt Thou be angry, for ever? O remember not against us former iniquities" (Ps. lxxix. 5, 8), for I felt that I was holden by them. I kept on uttering wretched exclamations: How long? how long, "to-morrow, and to-morrow? Why not now? why not this hour make an end of my uncleanness? Such words I spake the while I wept in most bitter contrition of my heart. And lo, from a neighbouring house I heard a voice, as of a boy or girl, I know not, singing and oft repeating, "Take, read; take, read." Instantly, with a changed countenance, I began to think most intently, whether boys in any kind of game used to sing such a phrase; nor could I remember ever to have heard the like. So checking the torrent of my tears, I arose; interpreting it to be no other than a Divine command, to open the book, and read the first chapter I should find. For I had heard of Antony, that he had happened to come in during the reading of the Gospel, and had taken the passage read as a warning, spoken to himself, "Go, sell all that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven, and come and follow me" (S. Matt. xix. 21); and by such oracle he was forthwith converted unto Thee. With such an inspiration then, I returned to the place where Alypius was sitting; for there had I laid the volume of the Apostle, when I arose thence. I seized, opened, and in silence read the passage, upon which my eyes first fell: "Not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying: but put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh to fulfil the lusts thereof" (Rom. xiii. 13, 14). No further would I read; nor was there need; for instantly at the end of this sentence, as though my heart were flooded with a light of peace, all the shadows of doubt melted away. Then putting my finger between, or some other mark, I shut the volume, and with a calm countenance made it known to Alypius. And what was wrought in him, which I knew not, he thus showed me. He asked to see what I had read: I showed him; and he looked even further than I had read, and I knew not what followed. This followed, "him that is weak in the faith, receive" (Rom. xiv. 1); which he applied to himself, and disclosed to me. And by this admonition was he strengthened; and by a good resolution and purpose, quite in accordance with his character, wherein he did always very far differ from me, for the better, without any harassing delay he joined me. Thence we go in to my mother; we tell her; she rejoiceth: we relate in order how it took place; she exulteth, and .triumpheth, and blessed Thee, "Who art able to do above that which we ask or think" (Eph. iii. 20); for she perceived that Thou hadst given her more for me, than she was wont to ask, in her sorrowful and tearful groanings For Thou didst so convert me unto Thyself, that I sought neither wife, nor any hope of this world, standing in that rule of faith, where Thou hadst in a vision revealed me to her so many years before. And Thou didst "turn her mourning into joy" (Ps. xxx. 11), fuller by far than she had desired, and by far more dear and chaste, than that of seeing my body's offspring, which she was wont to require. Book FX. AUGUSTINE DETERMINES TO ABANDON THE PROFESSION of Rhetoric, 46 CHAPTER I. He praises God for His goodness in effecting his conversion. LORD, I am Thy servant; I am Thy servant, and the son of Thy handmaid: Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder. I will offer to Thee the sacrifice of praise" (Ps. cxvi. 17, 18). Let my heart and my tongue praise Thee; yea, let "all my bones say, O Lord, who is like unto Thee?" (Ps. xxxv. 10). Let them say, and answer Thou me, and "say unto my soul, I am thy salvation ?" (Ps. xxxv. 3). Who am I, and what am I? What of evil have my deeds been without, or if not my deeds, my words, or if not my words, my will? But Thou, O Lord, art good and merciful, and Thy right hand had respect unto the depth of my death, and from the bottom of my heart didst draw out that abyss of corruption. And this was the whole matter; that I should refuse what I did choose, and choose what Thou didst choose. But where throughout that year-long time, and from what low and deep recess was my free-will called forth in a moment, whereby to submit my neck to Thy "easy yoke," and my shoulders unto Thy "light burden," "O Christ Jesus, my Helper and my Redeemer"? (S. Matt. xi. 30; Ps. xix. 14). How sweet did it at once become to me, to be without sweetnesses of those toys! and what I feared to lose, I now rejoiced to throw away. For Thou didst cast them forth from me, Thou true and supreme sweetness. Thou didst cast them forth, and Thyself instead didst enter in; Who art sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh and blood; brighter than all light, but more inward than any secret place; higher than all honour, but not to them that be high in their own conceits. Now was my soul free from the biting cares of compassing and getting, of wallowing amid and ministering to my lustful foulness; and to Thee did I as a child babble, my Light, my Wealth, and my Salvation. CHAPTER II. He resolves to abandon his Rhetoric Professorship after the vintage vacation, which was at hand. AND I resolved in Thy sight, not tumultuously to tear, but gently to withdraw, the service of my tongue from the talk market; that boys who thought not on Thy law, nor on Thy peace, but on foolish lies, and legal conflicts, should buy no more from my mouth the weapons for their raving. And by good hap, but very few days remained before the vintage vacation; I resolved to endure them, so as formally to resign, and after having been bought by Thee, put myself up for sale no more. Our purpose then was known to Thee; but to men, other than our own friends, was it not known. For we had agreed among ourselves not to let it out abroad to any: although to us, now ascending from the "vale of misery," and singing that "song of degrees' (ie., Ps. lxxxiv.), Thou hadst given "sharp arrows," and "hot burning coals" against the "deceitful tongue," which under pretence of giving counsel, gainsayeth us, and under pretence of love devoureth us, as it doth its meat. Thou hadst wounded our heart with the arrow of Thy Charity, and we bore Thy Words as though they transpierced our bowels: and the examples of Thy servants, whom from being black Thou hadst turned to shining white, and from dead to living, were heaped up in the treasury of our reflection, and burnt up and consumed our heavy torpor, that we might not " sink into the deep and so strongly did they kindle us that every blast of gainsaying from the "deceitful tongue" could only fan into more fierce brightness, not extinguish, our flame. Nevertheless, because for "Thy Name's sake" which Thou hast "hallowed" throughout the earth, this our vow and purpose might also find some to commend it, it seemed like bragging not to wait for the vacation now so near, but to quit sooner a public profession, practised in sight of all, so that the gaze of society would be rivetted upon my action, and they, observing that I was anxious to anticipate the day of the vacation, so near at hand, would make a great talk about it, as if I had wanted to be considered some great one. And what would it have profited me that my purpose should be the subject of consideration and discussion, and that "our good should be evil spoken of" (Rom. xiv. 16). Moreover, in this very summer, from excessive literary labour, my lungs began to give way, to draw deep breaths with difficulty, to give evidence of their diseased state by pains in the chest, and to prove unequal to the effort of clear and lengthy speech: this had at first troubled me, for it almost constrained me, of necessity, to lay down the burden of that professorship, or, if I could be cured and recover, at least to take a rest. But when there arose and was confirmed in me an utter determination to "be still, and see that Thou art the Lord" (Ps. xlvi. 10), Thou knowest, O my God, how I even began to rejoice that this secondary, but not false excuse was ready to my hand, might temper the annoyance of those who wished for the sake of keeping me as their son's master, to prevent my becoming my own. Full then of such joy, I endured till that interval of time were run out; it may have been some twenty days; but yet some courage was involved in the endurance, because the covetousness which hitherto shared with me the burden of this heavy business, had gone, and I should have remained to my overwhelming, had not patience taken its place. Perchance, some of Thy servants, my brethren, may say, that I sinned in this, that with a heart fully set on Thy service, I suffered myself to sit even one hour in the chair of falsehood. Nor would I be contentious. But hast not Thou, O most merciful Lord, pardoned and remitted this sin also, with my other most horrible and deadly sins, in the holy water? |