converse, and it happened that upon a table for some game, before us, he observed a book, took, opened it, and greatly to his surprise, found it the Apostle Paul; for he had thought it some of those books, which I was wearing myself in teaching. Whereat smiling, and looking at me, he expressed his joy and wonder, that he had on a sudden found this book, and this only before my eyes. For he was a Christian, and one of the faithful, and often bowed himself before Thee our God in the Church, in frequent and continued prayers. When then I had told him, that I bestowed very great pains upon those Scriptures, a conversation arose from what he told us of Antony the Egyptian Monk: whose name was in high repute among Thy servants, though to that hour unknown to us. Which when he discovered, he dwelt the more upon that subject, informing and wondering at our ignorance of one so eminent. But we were amazed to hear of Thy miracles, of so recent a record, and in times so near our own, so well attested, wrought in the true Faith and Church Catholic. We all wondered; we, that they were so great, and he, that we had not heard of them before. Thence his discourse turned to the flocks in the Monas teries, and their customs, a sweet smelling savour unto Thee, and the fruitful deserts of the wilderness, whereof we knew nothing. And there was a Monastery at Milan, full of good brethren, without the city walls, under the fostering care of Ambrose, and we knew it not. He went on with his discourse, and we listened in intent silence. He told us then how one afternoon at Triers, when the Emperor was taken up with the Circensian games, he and three others, his comrades, went out to walk in gardens near the walls, and there as they happened to stroll about in pairs, one went apart with him, and the other two wandered by themselves; and these, in their wanderings, lighted upon a certain cottage, where dwelt some of Thy servants, "poor in spirit, of whom is the kingdom of heaven" (S. Matt. v. 3), and there they found a book, containing the life of Antony. This one of them began to read, and wondered and was excited at it; and as he read, to meditate on taking up such a life, and relinquishing his secular service to serve Thee. And these two were of those whom they style agents for the public affairs. Then suddenly, filled with an holy love, and a sober shame, in anger with himself he cast his eyes upon his friend, saying, "Tell me, I pray thee, what are we so pushing to come at by all these labours of ours? what are we seeking? For what reason do we render service? Can our hopes in court rise higher than to be the favoured friends of the emperor? and in this, what is there not frail and full of perils? and by how many perils arrive we at a greater peril? and when arrive we thither? But a friend of God, if I wish it, I become now at once.' So spake he. And in pain with the travail of a new life, he turned his eyes again upon the book, and read on, and was changed inwardly, where Thou sawest, and his mind was stripped of the world, as soon appeared. For as he read, and rolled up and down the waves of his heart, he groaned for awhile, then discerned, and determined on a better course; and now being Thine, said to his friend, "Now have I broken loose from those our hopes, and am resolved to serve God; and this, from this hour, in this place, I begin upon. If thou likest not to imitate me, oppose not." The other answered, he would cleave to him, to partake so glorious a reward, so glorious a service. Thus both being now Thine, were building the tower at the proper cost, of "forsaking all that they had, and following Thee" (S. Luke xiv. 26, 35). Then Pontitianus and the other with him, that had walked in other parts of the garden, came in search of them to the same place; and finding them, reminded them to return, for the day was declining. But they relating their resolution and purpose, and in what way that determination arose and was confirmed in them, besought them not to trouble them, even if they should refuse to join them. But the others, though nothing altered from their former selves, did yet bewail themselves (as he affirmed), and piously congratulated them, recommending themselves to their prayers; and so, with hearts lingering on the earth, went away to the palace. But the other two, fixing their heart on heaven, remained in the cottage. And both had affianced brides, who when they heard hereof, also dedicated their virginity unto God. CHAPTER VII. The words of Pontitianus pierce his soul, which sullenly clings to its old habits. SUCH UCH was the story of Pontitianus; but Thou, O Lord, while he was speaking, didst turn me round towards myself, taking me from behind my back where I had placed me, unwilling to observe myself; and setting me before my face, that I might see how foul I was, how crooked and defiled, bespotted and ulcerous. And I beheld and stood aghast; and whither to flee from myself I found not. if I sought to turn mine eye from off myself, he went on with his relation, and Thou again didst set me over against myself, and didst thrust me before my eyes, that "I might find out mine iniquity, and hate it" (Ps. xxxvi. 2). I had known it, but had hidden it away, crushed it down, and forgotten it. And But now, the more ardently I loved those, whose healthful affections I heard of, that they had resigned themselves wholly to Thee to be cured, the more did I abhor myself, when compared with them. For many of my years (some twelve) had now run out with me since my nineteenth, when, upon the reading of Cicero's Hortensius, I was stirred to a zealous desire of wisdom; and still I was deferring to abandon with contempt earthly happiness, and to devote my leisure to enquiring after that, the mere search for which, and not even the discovery, ought to be preferable to the treasures and kingdoms of the world in actual possession, and to the pleasures of the flesh though abounding at my wish. But I wretched, most wretched, in the very commencement of my early youth, had begged chastity of Thee, and said, "Give me chastity and continency, only not yet." For I feared lest Thou shouldest hear me soon, and soon cure me of the disease of concupiscence, which I wished to have satisfied, rather than extinguished. And I had wandered through crooked ways in a sacrilegious superstition, not indeed assured thereof, but as preferring it to the others which I did not seek with filial devotion, but opposed with hostile malice. And I had thought, that I therefore deferred from day to day to abandon with scorn the hopes of this world, and follow Thee only, because there did not appear aught certain, whither to direct my course. And now was the day come wherein I was to be laid bare to myself, and my conscience was to upbraid me. "Where art thou now, my tongue? Thou usedst to say that thou wouldest not for an uncertain truth cast off the baggage of vanity. Lo, now it is certain, and thee that burden still oppresseth, while with shoulders eased they are getting them wings, who have not been worn out in the enquiry, like thee, nor meditated thereon, ten years and more." Thus was I gnawed within, and exceedingly confounded with an horrible shame, while Pontititanus was so speaking. And he having brought to a close his tale and the business he came for, went his way; and I into myself. What said I not against myself? with what stripes of condemnation scourged I not my soul, that it might follow me, in my striving to go after Thee! But it still withstood; refused, though not excused itself. All its arguments had been exhausted, and overthrown; a sullen alarm remained and she dreaded, as though it were death, to be restrained from the flow of habit, by which she was being wasted to death. CHAPTER VIII. Augustine retires into the garden, and is greatly agitated. THE little garden there was to our lodging, which we had the use of, as of the whole house; for the master of the house, our landlord, was not living there. Thither had the tumult of my breast hurried me, where no man might hinder the burning strife upon which I had engaged with myself, until it should end as Thou knewest, but not I. Only that I was distraught for my well-being, and dying for my very life, conscious what an evil thing I was, unconscious what good thing I was shortly to become. I rushed out then into the garden, and Alypius hurried after me. Neither did my seclusion seem broken by his presence; or how could he forsake me so disturbed? We sate down as far away as we could from the house. I was groaning in spirit, indignant with most restless indignation, that I could not journey towards Thy Will and Covenant, O my God, towards which "all my bones were crying out" to go, and were praising to the skies; but thither one journeyeth not in ships, nor in chariots, nor on foot, even so far as I had gone from the house to where we were sitting. For not only to journey thither, but even to arrive there, was nothing else but to will to go, but to will strongly and entirely; not to turn and toss, this way and that, a will maimed and divided against itself, struggling, one part rising and another sinking. At last in those passionate hesitations I made many such bodily notions as men sometimes would do, but are unable either from want of limbs, or because these are bound with fetters, or weakened by fatigue, or some other way hindered. Thus, if I tore my hair, beat my forehead, if locking my fingers I clasped my knee, because I willed, I did it. But I might have willed, and not done it; if the motive power of my limbs had not rendered obedience. So many things then I did, when "to will" was not quite the same as "to be able;" but I did not then do that which both then I with an incomparably greater longing wished to do, and soon, when I willed, should also be able to do; because soon, when I willed, I should thoroughly will. For in these things the ability was one with the will, and to will was to do; and yet was it not done: and more easily did my body obey the weakest willing of my soul, in moving its limbs at its nod, than the soul obeyed itself to accomplish in the will alone this its momentous will. |