But what he said I cannot tell,

For I understand it not.

Now when the clock struck half-past nine,
There was a shouting noise;
The unbreakfasted here beat his breast,
For he knew 'twas Jones's voice.

The cyder-cup he knows hath come,
And he too well can feel,
That the gyp is walking off with all
The remnants of the meal.

The unbreakfasted he scratched his head

How wretched 'twas to hear;

And still spake on that lantern-jaw'd,
And long-legged lecturer.

The lecturer whose legs are long,
Whose cheeks are very lean,

Is gone; and now the unbreakfasted
At Jones's door is seen.

But he turned away like one who's starved,
For it was 64 on the sport ;"

A sadder and a hungrier man,
He rushed across the court.

The Man in the Moon. Volume II. 1847.

THE RHIME OF THE SEEDY BARRISTERE, PART I.

IT is a seedy Barristere,

And he barreth the way so free-
"By thy long limp band and rusty wig,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?

"The Commons' doors are open'd wide,
And I'm to be sworn in ;
The Speaker is set, the Members met,
And business will soon begin."

He showeth me his empty bag-
"It once was full," quoth he:
He showeth me his faggot brief,
Marked with a monstrous fee.

I sat me down beside the door-
I could not choose but hear,

As thus spake on that mouldy man,
That briefless Barristere :-

"The kites were flown, the bubbles blown,
Merrily went the scrip;
Directors schemed, nor ever dreamed
Of chances 'twixt cup and lip.

"The Stag comes out-' over the left;
The market riggeth he:

The men with cash, by dealings rash,
Are fleeced right horribly.

"Higher and higher every day
Went up the bubble shares-"
No step I stirred, altho' I heard
The Speaker was at prayers.

He'd made me wait-I was too late ;
Yet I could not choose but hear,
As thus spake on that shabby man,
That briefless Barristere-

And now November came, the Law
Was tyrannous and strong;
The thirtieth day all Plans must stay,
And Sections, right or wrong.

"Thro' day and dark the sleepy clerk Must toil and moil with care and cark; Lithographers, with fingers stark,

Must never go to bed.

The time flies fast, the Plans at last
Are all delivered.

"And now, to sift the monstrous drift,
Committees are enrolled,

And they must hear each councillere
His brief at length unfold.

"With weary head, from A to Z-
I trow it was no play-

The members sat, to be argued at,
From eleven till four each day.
"Committees here, Committees there,
Committees all around;

While counsel roared, and joked, and bored,
And fought, and fumed, and frowned.

"Ten guas. per day, and ten briefs alway, Unto my share there came;

One half, I knew, I could not do,

66

But I took them all the same.

"And I grew rich, and behaved as sich, And never the tide did drop,

And the duns had flown that I once had known On my staircase for hours to stop.

"And my lanky bag did swell and swag
With the freight of briefs it bore;

I new curled my wig, and in letters big
Wrote Committee' on my door.

"Twelve briefs one day on my table lay,

With heavy retainers on each,

When a knock at the door ushered in one more,

My attention to beseech."

"Now save thee, seedy Barristere,

And send thee quick relief!

Why look'st thou so?"

66

'Ah, shame and woe!

I did refuse that brief! "

PART II.

"The Market now grew rather stiff,

And shares not quite so free;

Many Directors went abroad,

And many an Allottee.

"And briefs fell slaek, and no more at our back

The agents in crowds did follow,

Nor ten times a day, with papers or pay,

Came to the Barrister's hollo!

"I had done what was quite irregular,

And it would work them grief,

For all averred that the worst had occurred
Since I refused the brief,

'Ah, wretch!' said they, 'to turn away

The fee upon a brief!'

"The Panic grew, the bills came due,

Directors crossed the sea;

Who knows which first of the bubbles burst? They went, and so did we.

"Down dropt our work, our fees dropt down : 'Twas bad as bad could be ;

Not once a week had we to speak
Upon a Committee.

"All in the hot Committee-rooms

The Barristeres, at noon

Must yawn, and linger round the doors,

Or thro' the lobbies moon.

"Day after day we pined away,

So idle you've no notion;
As idle as a long debate
Upon an Irish motion.

"Business, business, everywhere
The Courts it seemed to fill;
Business, business, everywhere,
But not one Railway Bill!

"Yea, even young men just called-oh dear, That such things e'er should be!—

By mere half-guinea motions made
A better thing than we!

"About, about, in busy rout,

Attorneys and Q.C.'s,

Within our sight were paying down
And pocketing of fees!

Ah! well a-day! what evil looks

Had I from old and young!

And, for starched kerchief, the rejected brief About my neck was hung.

"Farewell, farewell; but this I tellAs sure as there thou'rt set,

He best shall thrive who most shall strive

To keep all he can get.

"He fareth best, who loveth best

All fees, both great and small;

For the Bench declares that the etiquette
Of the Bar is Pocket all.'"

"My business calls I've work to do Which I would fain begin;

My House is met, a question set

That I've an interest in."

He holds him with his eager hand : "I rise to move," quoth he"Move off! unhand me, long beard loon !" Eftsoons his hand dropt he.

He holds him with his vacant eye,

Spell-bound JOHN BULL stands still : And listen's like a gaping child :

The orator hath his will.

(Six verses omitted.)

Punch (1849) on Thomas C. Anstey, M. P. for Youghal, the "Prolix orator,"

THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT ALDERMAN.

PART I.

IT is an Ancient Alderman,

And he stopped one of three ;
"By thy gouty hand and ruby nose,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?

"The Adelphi doors have open'd long,
And I would save my tin;
My order's lost at seven o'clock,
Permit me to go in."

He holds him with his gouty hand,
"There is the Thames," quoth he;
"Bother the Thames," the other cried;
"Jump in, and let me be."

He holds him by the glittering guard,
The Stunning Swell stood still,
And listens in most sulky style;
The Alderman hath his will.

The Stunning Swell against a lamp
Leant, as if bored to death.

And thus gasp'd on that Alderman,

With brevity of breath.

"The Mayor appear'd, the barge was steer'd, Merrily we did drop,-

The Alderman, in City barge, —

Along on our Swan-Hop.

"At the Blackfriars we did embark,

Where gapes the mighty sewer.
The Stunning Swell he stamp't his foot,
For he heard the overture.

Mellon hath mounted on his stool,
The desk he tappeth thrice-

Four Roberts now the Swell must pay,

Or wait for the half-price.

66 'We pulled-at least the rowers didBang through the Bridges three,

And Lambeth Reach, and Chelsea Reach, We pass'd full merrily.

"And then the hour of lunch was come,

Our appetites wax'd strong,

We eat and drank, and drank and eat;
The Chaplain sang a song.

"We drank and eat, we eat and drank,

Till full was every sinner;

And then we thought we'd go on deck, While Staples laid the dinner.

"We lean'd along the barge's seats, Or o'er the bulwarks bent;

We said it was a jolly world,

And folks should be content.

"We said it was a jolly world, And everybody stated

That what we read of want and wrong Was much exaggerated,

"That on the whole we really thought Things went uncommon wellWhen the Remembrancer bawled out, 'Gog! what a hawful smell.'

"The Mayor he started to his feet, Out of his lordly doze,

And ramm'd his scented handkerchief Close up unto his nose.

"And as the smell came foully round, We gasp'd and spit, and swore; Such an abominable stench

We'd never smelt before.

"And after comments fierce and fast
On that unsavoury theme,
For reasons which I need not name,
Each turn'd him to the stream.
"When fouler, fouler rose the smell,
And then we did diskiver
The source of all that awful stench,
Dear Gog, it was the River!

"The river it was yellow mud,
With putrid colours varied,
And every kind of filthy thing
Upon the tide was carried.

"Dead dogs rotund, and garbage vile, And slime, and scum, and muck;

Clung round as in a fœtid lake,

And oozed, and stank, and stuck.

"And in the mess a drowning cat

Mid seven drown'd kittens sprawl'd, And her great eyes stared wildly out. And piteously she squall'd.

"There was a blunderbuss on board-" "Old Cock, what are you at— Are you not well?" "O gentle Swell, I took and shot the cat.

PART II.

WE pull'd-at least the rowers did,-
How long I cannot say,
But up to Richmond's pleasant banks
At length we made our way.

"There ran the river pure and bright,
Without a speck or stain ;
So once it ran at Westminster,
And so might run again.
"We all revived-began to laugh-
And then went down to dine,

And all bad odours were forgot

In my Lord Mayor's good wine.

"We eat and drank, and drank and eat

Back in our chairs we leant;

We said it was a jolly world,

And folks should be content.

"We own'd the Thames's scent was strong,

And said the labouring classes

Who lived beside and drank the tide
Were very stupid asses.

"For why not move, as we had done,
Out of the stench's way,

And why not drink the sort of lush
That we had drunk that day?

We eat and drank, we drank and eat,
With toasts and speeches hearty-
When Gog! that Cat's infernal eyes,
Glared in upon the party.

"In at the cabin window glared,
Like the red fires of-well,
But what was worse, along with her
The creature brought the Smell.
"Into the cabin pour'd the stench,
Suffusing all the air,

And instant every Alderman

Fell down beside his chair. "And there we sat upon the floor, Unable for to rise.

While, gazing in malicious sort,

Glared down that Cat's green eyes.

"And greener grew those fiendly orbs, (Ay, greener than green fat),

As, twixt a mew and screech we heard'Who was it Shot the Cat?'

PART III.

"FLOATING, floating, down the Thames, Upon our backward way,

All sorts of foul and nasty things

Did seek our course to stay.

"At every window in they look'd
Upon the deck they leapt,
They crawl'd upon our visages,
And on our plates they crept.

To tell you of their hideous forms
I have nor power nor hope-
Look on a water drop shown in
The gaseous microscope.

"They were the Vermin of the stream
That now is London's sink ;

The filthy stream that is at once
Her sewer, her bath, her drink.

"And as they crawl'd, and crept, and writhed, We heard this awful ditty

'The Vermin of the Thames salute The Fathers of the City!'

PART IV.

"A DREAM, a dream, a pleasant dream. I stood at Westminster,

And saw a bran-new, span-new bridge

Bestride a river clear.

"The wave it was as crystal bright,

You saw white sand below,

And flounders, gudgeon, tench, and dace,
Shot, flitting, to and fro.

"The jolly salmon heaved his jowl,
The whitebait glanced like gems;
In short, all kinds of finny fowl
Were swimming in the Thames.
"On either bank a mighty sewer
Received what London gave,
And bore it to the Kentish farm,

Or to the ocean wave.

"And terraced gardens there displayed
Green leaves and arbours fair,
And rosy children laughed and sniff'd
The river's fragrant air.

"And artisans (their labour done)

With pots, and pipes, and wives,
Sat by the stream, and call'd the sight
The pleasure of their lives.

"And thus outspoke a gentle voice-
A voice of cheer and beauty:
'See, London's Mayor and Aldermen
At length have done their duty.'

PART V.

"IT's deuced interesting," quoth
The now exhausted Swell;
"But I must be allow'd to hope
You've nothing more to tell.

"And if you'll take a fellah's hint,

You, and your Mayor, and crew;

The work you say your dream described,
You'd better go and do.

"And when the sewers are quite complete,
Jump in, and you shall be
With all the other nuisances,
Wash'd nicely down to sea.

"Now au revoir-the boxkeeper,

With the half-price board comes;
And I must hear that Blondelet,
Upon his twenty drums "

Vanish'd the Swell: the Alderman
Went off and drown'd his sorrow-
And with a thundering headache he
Awoke upon the morrow.

SHIRLEY BROOKS. 1855.

THE ANCIENT MARINER;

or,

The Deceived Husband.

IT was an ancient mariner

Who a party stopp'd of three (A father and his children twain):

"Wilt sail to-day?" quoth he.

"Besides, when out upon the waves,
The mal du mer I fear."
"Lord bless you," quoth the mariner,
"We ain't caught one this year!

"And you'll be back by half-past four,
In lots of time for tea."

"You promised, Pa, we'd have a sail,"
Said the children, plaintively.
Appeal'd to thus, in sore perplex,
The father gave consent;

And, oh! he thought how sick he'd be,
As to the boat he went.

The sun was high, the wind was low,
And as the party sail,

These words rang in the father's ears,
"At five, mind, without fail!"

And now they're launch'd upon the deep, The yacht, like any witch,

Skimm'd o'er the foam at first, and then
She up and down did pitch.

She pitched up, she pitched down,
All comfort 'gan to leave
That father, and though afternoon,
For him 't was time of heave!

With cheery voice the mariner

Kept pointing out the view; The father heeded not his words, For Ocean claimed his due.

He heard his children playing round,
Devoid of qualms and fear;
He heard his boy, in mocking tones,
Say, "Ain't Pa jolly queer!"

He had not strength to punch his head,
Nor eke to box his ear;

The words were true, and he did feel
Particularly queer.

And worst of all, the while he paid
His tribute to the sea,

A voice kept ringing in his ear:
"You won't be home to tea!"

"Turn, mariner, I pray you, turn!"
He cried in accents weak;
The sailor heard, but only turn'd
The quid within his cheek.

His cruel offsprings then began

To laugh at their papa ;

Quoth they, "It's five and after-won't You catch it, Pa, from Ma!"

"Turn, mariner, I pray you, turn! Our course let homeward be; Your guerdon shall be doubled if We are in time for tea!"

The mariner he smiled a smileNay, more, he grinned a grinHe said (he was a vulgar man), Fork over, then, the tin !"

The wretched father heaved a sigh,
The cash he handed o'er ;
Again he turned him o'er the side,-

The boatman turned to shore..

They reach the land, the clocks struck sixWhat vision does he see?

It was the wife awaiting him

Who came too late for tea.

What happened when they reached their home
No one was there to see ;
Certain it is that from that hour
He ne'er was late for tea!

ANONYMOUS.

CLASSICAL VERSUS MODERN.

It was an ancient pedagogue* And he stopped me (one of three)'To Classic or to Modern side

Go'st thou?' said he to me.

By thy long Problems and Theorems
Now wherefore plagu'st thou me?
Hold off! unhand me, ancient one!
I've seen enough of thee!

He held me with his skinny hand :
Quoth he "I'll prove to thee
The fault in leaving thus the M +
And going to the C."

I sat me just outside, the Gymn,
I could not choose but hear;
And thus spake on that ancient one,
That able Moderner!

"Arithmetic, and my good book
Are all you'll want in life;

An accurate mind will bless your age-
Reward your early strife."

I slowly raised my head, eftsoons
I asked with much civility

My aged friend, does your book boast
Degrees of probability?

Is it not plain without your aid
To every child of fortune,
That two long lines are always good

In length, as against one short 'un?

"Is it not clear that in working a 'sum,' With figures enough to frighten,

That of all the ansers who solve the thing One answer alone is the right 'un.

The ship was cheered, the harbour cleared,
Merrily did we drop,-

I'd reported myself to the skipper bold,
Of the tight little Humming Top.

Higher and higher every day,

In the main top-mast at noon(The wedding guest here beat his breast), Sat the skipper's pet baboon.

Heaven help thee ancient mariner !

How got you into the scrape?"

How did it occur? With my pea-shooter, I slaughtered the skipper's ape."

Shiver my spars, what looks had I

From the skipper of whom I've sung;
Oh, wasn't he cross about his loss-
Ánd had'nt he got a tongue!

Alone, alone all, all alone,

Alone on a wide, wide sea,

For they set me afloat in a little boat,
With no one for company.

The ghost of the ape appeared in the stern,
And uttered a ghostly chitter,

It fixed on me its stony eyes

That in the moon did glitter.

Oh, save me, save me, holy man,
Ánd the hermit opened his "brolly,"
Which frightened the ape, and I did escape
With the loss of a leg for my folly.

The mariner whose eye is bright,
Whose pig-tail with age is hoar,
Stole off, and now the wedding guest
Gave a most portentious snore.

Tom Hood's Comic Annual, 1870.

W. J. WIEGAND,

THE RIME OF THE MODERN SHIPOWNER.

IT is a drowned mariner,

And he stoppeth an M.P.

* Leckhampton Hill, near Cheltenham.