OUR FAMILY AT THE PLAY.-That Pantomime is so funny. With Christmas comes the Pantomime, and with the Pantomime comes the family. Boys and Girls are home for the holidays. If our readers have large encumbrances, it is best to understand that all pantomimes are very bad and not worth seeing. EXCUSE FOR SMOKING. In the reign of James I., of tobacco-hating notoriety, the boys of a school acquired the habit of smoking, and indulged it night and day, using the most ingenious expedients to conceal the vice from their master, till one luckless evening when the imps were huddled together round the fire of their dormitory, involving each other in vapors of their own creating, lo! in burst the master and stood in awful dignity before them. "How now," quoth the dominie to the first lad; "how dare you be smoking tobacco?" "Sir," said the boy, "I am subject to head-aches, and a pipe takes off the pain." "And you? and you? and you?" inquired the pedagogue, questioning each boy in his turn. One had a "raging tooth;" another colic; the third a cough; in short, they all had something. "Now, sirrah!" bellowed the doctor to the last boy, "what do you smoke for?" Alas! all the excuses were exhausted; but the interrogated urchin, putting down his pipe, after a farewell whiff, and looking up in his master's face, said, in a whining, hypocritical tone, "Sir, I smoke for corns?" SONG OF THE SORROWFUL BOARDER. Oh! carve me yet another slice, Oh! help me to more gravy still, There's nought so sure as something nice, To conquer care, or grief to kill. I always loved a bit of beef, When youth, and bliss, and hope were mine; And now it gives my heart relief, In sorrow's darksome hour-to dine! EVERY DAY EXAGERATIONS.-"I am tired to death." So you have said often, and are alive still, and in good health too. "I had not a wink of sleep all night." And yet your bed-fellow heard you snore several times. "I would not do it for the world." And yet you have done many things equally bad for a penny. "We were up to our knees hi mud." know very well the dirt was not over your shoes. Q. Why is an Adjective like a drunken man? You NEW STRIPED PIG" "Is the Cape Ann stage in?" inquired two gentlemen of the bar-keeper of a hotel in Portsmouth. "Yes, sir," was the reply. "Two back seats inside," said one of the gentlemen, and they both left the room. In a moment after, a single "The gentleman came in. Cape Ann stage in?" inquired he. "Yes, sir," said the barkeeper. "One back seat inside," responded the gentleman, and went into the back room. In this way several entered, some engaging back seats inside, some two or three took front seats inside, and one man took an outside. seat. We remarked to the barkeeper that there was a great deal of travel on the Cape Ann route, observing at the time that it was a little strange that passengers should prefer a stage to the railroad; besides, how do you find so many back seats? The bar-keeper looked shy, put his finger to his! nose, and winked. We were a little suspicious before, but at this manœuvre we knew there was mystery, and, determining to find it out, commenced questioning him. He looked wise, twisted himself a little and said, "Then you don't know the secret." "No," said we, "but we have a great curiosity to do A gentleman who entered, overheard the last of the conversation, and coming up to us, said, "Friend, I'll let you into the secret: but before I can This is a pretty time o'night for you to come home. Here it is half-past twelve o'clock. What? been to see a friend, have you? No you haven't, you've been to the theatro again. How dare you spend my money? Oh! you wretch, you! I could shake the soul out of you! do it you must engage a seat." "Very well," said we. He went up to the bar and inquired of us what seat we would take; we replied, that the stage was pretty well filled inside, therefore we would prefer an outside. We went inio the next room, where several were drinking, and sat down. Soon after a waiter came in, bearing a glass of brandy and water, and one of lemonade. The mystery was solved, the secret was brought to light, and we were astonished. So many back seats inside, were so many glasses of brandy and water, (strong). The front seats inside were so many glasses of gin and sugar. The two outside seats were two glasses of lemonade, one of which we were fortunate to choose. Soon after this discovery, the travel on that route began to fail. The cold water folks broke it up entirely. CAMP ANECDOTE.-A friend who has just returned from the camp on the Rio Grande, furnishes the following as the manner in which a Dutchman, who was on sentry, proclaimed the hour. The usual cry is, "half past ten o'clock, and all's well." The Dutchman had forgetten the precise words, and sung out at the top of his voice,-" More as den o'clock, and all ish so better as goot." SLOW WORK.-Making an auger hole with a gimblet, eating soup with a fork, and running to fires on crutches. THE SCOLDING WIFE. 'Tis she: 'tis she! the scolding she! It runs like the devil the whole year round; And like a brazen bedlam lies. I'm sure 'tis she! I'm sure 'tis she! I am as I would never be, With the blues above, and the blows below, If I seek escape in slumber deep, What matter! she scolds me up from sleep. I love-oh! how I love to run I never approached this terrible bore, WHEN our time is up, we must vamose, and no mistake. But it is some comfort to reflect that when Time's time is up, he must vamose himself. And everybody is so glad to get rid of him! At his death and burial all the world wears its gayest clothes,-deciding that the old dotard, who has dealt so hardly with them (witness the grey hairs and wrinkles) shall receive no sigh of sympathy. SHERIDEN was never without a reason, never failed to extricate himself in any emergency by his wit. At a country house where he was once on a visit, an elderly maiden lady desired to be his companion for a walk. He excused himself at first on account of the badness of the weather. She soon afterwards, however, intercepted him in an attempt to escape without her. "Well," she said, "it is cleared up, I sce." Why, yes," he answered, it has cleared up enough for one, but not enough for two." 66 AN ANGELICAL HOUSEMAID.-A lady some time ago received a letter from another lady, inquiring as to the habits and capabilities of a young woman who had lived with the former as housemaid. The following were the various queries:-"Is she clean? sober? honest? steady? good-tempered? willing to be taught? an early riser, without being called? not inclined to gossip and idle her time? and has she any followers? does she well understand waiting at table, and cleaning plate? is she quick? and can she sew neatly?" The answer was as brief as it was expressive. It was,-"Dear Madam,-Polly Pis an angel of a housemaid. From the making of a bed down to the threading of a needle you will find her all that you can wish, and even a little more." We can readily believe the "little more." GOOD.-"Why, dear me, Mr. Longswallow," said a good old lady, "how can you drink a whole quart of that hard cider at a single draught?" As soon as the man could breathe again, he replied: "I beg pardon, madam, but upon my soul it was so hard I couldn't bite it off." "JEM," you've been drinking." "No, I haven't; I've been looking at another man drinking, and it was too much for me." THE TAILOR DONE PROGRESS OF IMPROVEMENT.-"Mother," asked a six foot BROWN.--Not many gawkey, after two hours of brown study, "what did you and years since, there lived dad use to do when he came a courtin' you?" "Good airth in the "moral" city of and seas! What deu yeu mean, Jedediah ?" "Why, I went Boston, two young a courtin' last Sunday night-went to Deacon Doolittle's to bucks, rather waggish see Peggy, and she told me I didn't know how to court. I in their ways, and who asked her to show me how, and says she, 'Ax your marm.' were in the habit of pa- So now I want to know what you and father did." "La, suz! tronizing rather exten- why, Jed, we used teu set by the fire and eat roast turkey and sively, a tailor by the mince pies, and drink cider, and watch the crickets running name of Smith. Well, round the hearth." "Good gracious! times an't as they used one day, into Smith's to was, mother, that's sartin. I was all slicked up to kill, and shop these young gents looked tarnal ramscumshus, and the only thing Peggy gin me strolled. Says one of was a raw pickle." them "Smith, we've been making a bet: now we want you to AN ass laden with salt was crossing a brook. The water diluted the salt, and lightened the burden. He communicated his discovery to a brother donkey, laden with wool. The lat"LOVE thy neighbor," as the parson said to the man that ter tried the same experiment, and found his load double its lived next door to the pigsty. THE EXILE'S FRIEND.-WELCOME TO THE OPPRESSED, DURING the great Miller excitement, when people got more zeal than common sense into their heads, and were ready at all times to seize upon the smallest mite and magnify it to a mountain, or something larger, an old lady came into Boston from the country, to see the winding up of all things terrestrial. Being brimfull of religious zeal, she could see no good in anything but Millerism, and as she, in company with another lady, was talking about the conflagration of this wicked world, she glanced her eyes across the street, and exclaimed in as loud, unearthly a tone as any mortal would wish to hear "Oh, Lord! What are we all coming to? Only look over on that 'ere sign, where it says-Perishing souls and un believers made and repaired here!" The sign read thus: "Parasols and umbrellas made and repaired here." Nothing could induce the old lady to remain longer in a city so given to Satan, and therefore she "put" for the country. WATERMELON EXTRAORDINARY. "How much do you ask for that melon?" said a cute, dapper looking chap to a sturdy darkey, who was mounted upon a cart before one of the principal hotels in Philadelphia, a day or two since. "For dis big 'un? why, massa, I reckon he's wuf tree levies, I does." "O yes, massa, he ripe, shu. I dun plugs um drough, if you sas so." With that the old darkey took out his old jackknife, and was making the first incision in the melon, when it gave a long, deep, piercing 'oh!' "Gosh a mighty, what's dat?" exclaimed Cuff, dropping his knife. "What do you stop for?" asked the gentleman. "Bress God! I tot him holler, I did." "Come, cut away, and see if it is ripe." He gave another poke with his knife, and this time the melon shrieked out: "Oh, murder! you'll kill me!" Before the last word was out, the melon went tumbling to the ground on one side of the cart, and the darkey on the other, bellowing, "O, de Lord! O, de Lord ob hebens!" Picking himself up, he half scrambled, half ran a few paces from the cart, and turning to behold the fragments of the melon, exclaimed,-"Whew, dis nigger neber stans dat. Clare to God it holler murder!" Just at this time, a distinguished ventriloquist was seen to leave the cart. AN ILLINOIS COURT SCENE.-We sometimes get rich jokes from Illinois, and the latest is the following. It is a good bit of drollery, quite original, we believe, and we must put it on the file among the funny things of the time. A constable that had lately been inducted into office was in attendance on the court, and was ordered by the Judge to call John Bell and Elizabeth Bell. He immediately began at the top of his lungs. "John Bell and Elizabeth Bell?" "One at a time," said the Judge. "One at a time-One at a time-ONE AT A TIME," -shouted the constable. "Now you've done it," exclaimed the Judge out of patience. "Now you've done it-now you've done it-ow YOU'VE DONE IT,"-yelled the constable. There was no standing this, the court, bar, and bystanders broke "MONEY makes the man." Perhaps it does. But it is necessary that man should make the money first. A journalist has discovered that, all things considered, railways are very slow, and behind the age. He says that, when travelling, he blushes to think the message on the telegraph flies like lightning, while he is lazily creeping on at only thirty or forty miles an hour. |