Beloved and Honored Reader, NEW YORK, January 1, 1852. We make our best bow. Unknown to you in the body, we press your hand in the spirit, drink your best brandy in imagination, wish you the New Year's compliments, and go home glorified. But we only go home, that we might prepare for your future enjoyment, extending,-let us hope it,-over a space of twenty years, and more. Anticipating so long a connection, it is necessary that we should say something of our intentions, so that you may understand what you are to expect from us, nor will we be backward in stating what we expect from you. We expect, then, from you individually, patronage, and a recommendation of our merits to your friends. And you will please take us for what we profess to be, wits and jokers,-not list-for to such titles we make no w fat," but our jokes, lush into the cheeks first requisites of a nbody all the good ་ ་་ t society, and which sometimes find their way into the corners of newspapers, or serve to eke out a scanty column. In this sense, you may call us the preservers of jokes, and you may confidently refer to our pages for the current Facetiæ of the season. We do not propose, however, to be merely the collectors of jokes, we shall likewise be their originators, and sow broadcast the seeds of harmless folly. It is our intention to issue the Funny Magazine of the Age, or the compendium of the Wit of all Nations. What the Crystal Palace was to the claims of Industry, "Yankee Notions" will be to the claims of Fun and Frolic,-presenting all that is Smart and Amusing, in the compressed form of thirty-two monthly pages, and forming an annual volume that will never let the risible muscles of the reader's face grow rigid for want of exercise. We have engaged all the funny people in the World to be our contributors, while as artists, we include such established reputations as Hood, Cruikshank, Leech, Gavarni, and men of the like stamp in Europe, together with all the men of rank in America. But the grown population are not going to have all our fun to themselves. We intend to devote some of our pages to the juveniles, for hints, for recreation, and now and then fer instruction, conveyed to their minds in the guise of merriment, as apothecaries coat a pill with sugar. We shall also set aside a corner for lovers, with an appropriate touch of sentiment, (for this department, Cupid has been specially engaged at a salary too immense to be roundly stated in figures,) and appropos of this, we may observe, that our Valentine number, next month, will be worth looking out for. So here you have, dear readers, the first number of "Yankee Notions." Give us, again, a gripe of your hand, and expect to hear from us once a month THREE SEVENTEENS. WE heard a good story the other day, of an ancient joker (now dead) who is the father of a great brood of fast boys. The old gentleman was rather a strict governor, though when outside he would occasionally "let up," drink, tall house, and go in for chances. The boys knew this-boys generally do; and while they respected the "governor" on account of his age, they positively objected to his propensities for humbug. One Sunday the governor was reading the Bible, when Ez, the oldest boy, procured a se f dice, and having spotted all the low sides, so that he could not get less than fifteen, commenced throwing them on a chair. The governor came to a hard word, looked up, and saw the game. Then came the following conversation: Governor.-Ez, you boy-Ezeriah! Do you know what day it is? Ezeriah.-Yes; fifteen-Sunday. Seventeen! Governor.-Well, then, you go and put them things away; throw them in the stove: no, put them on the shelf. Get a book, sit down and read. Ez. put the "bones" in his pocket, and got a book; but, somehow or other, out came the dice again. Ezeriah.-Seventeen! Seventeen!! Seventeen!!! Governor.-(Springing from his chair, and allowing the Bible to drop on the floor).-What! not three seventeens! Good gracious, them would have won the hoss last night. Our friend Wilkins is married to a widow with five children. He is down upon marrying a family. If steamships are used in navigating the "sea of trouble." so many are "buried in oblivion." If ships "in stays" are addicted to "tight lacing." Whether the "tale" which the ghost of Hamlet's father could unfold was "founded on fact." The elevation of the "pinnacle of fame" above the ocean. If hydropathic treatment would be likely to cure the "eruption" of Mount Etna. THE DOCTOR'S WELCOME.-Down east there resides a certain M. D. One very cold night he was aroused from his slumbers by a very loud knocking at his door. After some hesitation, he went to the window and asked "Who's there?" "Friend," was the answer. "What do you want?" "Want to stay here all night." "Stay there then," was the benevolent reply. A gentleman, going down to New York, in a North river boat, last week, missed his tooth brush, and on looking around, was astonished to perceive a country gawk applying it vigorously to his tobacco stained ivories. PLEASURES OF COURTSHIP. An old lover pulls the string before the final knot is tied. YOUTH is a glorious invention. While the girls chase the trick, but at length he ex-hours and you chase the girls, the months seem to dance away with you upon their feet. What a pity our summer is so short! Before you know it, lovers become deacons, and romps grandmothers. "What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why of the tooth-brush that be-you see, my grandmother's dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter longs to the boat!" to her!" THE BARRISTER AND THE WITNESS. There is a point beyond which human forbearance cannot go, and the most even of tempers will become ruffled at times. At the assizes held during the past year at Lincoln, England, both indge and counsel had much trouble to make the timid witness upon a trial speak sufficiently loud to be heard by the Jury, and it is possible that the temper of the counsel may thereby have been turned aside from the even tenor of its way. After this gentleman had gone through the various stages of bar-pleading, and had coaxed, threatened, and even bullied witnesses, there was called into the box a young ostler, who appeared to be simplicity personified. "Now, sir," said the counsel, in a tone that at any other time would have been denounced as vulgarly loud, "I hope we shall have no difficulty in making you speak up." "I hope not, sir," was shouted, or rather bellowed out, by the witness, in tones which almost shook the building, and would certainly have alarmed any timid or nervous lady. "How dare you speak in that way, sir?" "Please, zur, I can't speak any louder," said the astonished witness, attempting to speak louder than before, evidently thinking the fault to be in his speaking too softly. "Pray, have you been drinking this morning?" shouted the counsel, who had now thoroughly lost the last remnant of his temper. "Yes, zur," was the reply. And what have you been drinking?" "Corfee, zur." "And what did you have in your coffee, sir?" "A spune, zur!" innocently shouted the witness, in his highest key, amidst the roars of the whole court-excepting only the now thoroughly wild counsel, who flung down his brief, and rushed out of court. HAVE YOU READ YANKEE NOTIONS? If you haven't, give me leave to tell you that you are behind the Age. The President that is, Mr. Fillmore, has read it. The President that is to be, Mr. has read it. Mr. Webster has read Mr. Walker-nomHorace Greeley has it. General Cass has read it. A YANKEE and a Frenchman owned a pig in copartnership. When killing-time came, they wished to divide the carcass. The Yankee was very anxious to divide so that he should get both hind quarters, and persuaded the Frenchman that the proper way to divide was to cut it across the back. The Frenchman agreed to it on the condition that the Yankee would turn his back, and take choice of the pieces after it was cut into. The Yankee turned his back and the Frenchman asked:-"Vich piece will you have; ze piece wid ze tail on him, or ze piece vat aint got no tail on him?" "The piece with the tail," shouted the Yankee instantly. "Den, by gar, you take him and I take ze oder one," said the Frenchman. Upon turning round the Yankee found that the Frenchman had cut off the tail and stuck it in the pig's mouth. "Will you lend father your Yankee Notions? he only wants to read it." "Yes, my boy, and ask him to lend me his dinner, I only want to eat it." A Frenchman went into Brighton's and asked for a "glass of brandy-water not made fortnight." "Fortnight?" ejaculated the bar-keeper, "don't you wish it now?" "Now, yes sare, but not fortnight-not two week." The best throw with dice is to throw them away. QUERIES FOR LAWYERS. Q.-When is it necessary to commence a fresh suit? A.-Preaching a three hours Sermon. Q.-What is a Release? A.-To exchange the society of your ugly Aunt for that of your pretty Cousin. A certain Irish Attorney threatened to prosecute a certain Dublin printer for inserting the death of a living person. The menacer concluded with the remark, "that no printer should publish a death unless informed of the fact by the party d ceased." A STUDY OF PORTRAITS. PRINCE OF WALES TO YOUNG AMERICA.-Why Cousin Jonathan, how tall you are growing! My mamma an't nothing to you. DOUGHNUTS. Ar one of the fashionable hotels, the other day, among the arrivals was one of the genus verdant-a regular, no mistake, Jonathan-with eyes and mouth wide open at the novelties that he met at every turn; the true Yankee costume is almost too well known to require description, so we will imagine our hero in its full glory. He had brought with him his better half-a strapping, flaxen-haired lass, bedecked with a profusion of ribbons and cheap jewelry; they had evidently "come down to Boston" to spend the honey-moon, and Jonathan had, no doubt, "darned the expense." The first morning after their arrival, the servant was thrown into hysterics by a verdant mistake; Jonathan's bell rung furiously, and he demanded to see the landlord; that functionary having made his appearance, he was hailed with"How are ye?-how de do, old feller? Me and Patience finds it all right here,-room fixed up fust rate-gives a feller a high falutin' feelin'; but, I say, old hoss, we want a washbowl and towel to take off the dust outside, then I'll come down and take a little New England with ye." "Here are the conveniences for washing, sir," said the landlord, stepping to a mahogany wash-sink and raising the lid. "Gosh all Potomac!" exclaimed our Yankee, "who'd ever thought of that 'ere table's openin' on top that way?" CHEAP BOARDING. A thousand and one stories are told of the extreme cheapness of living in the "Far West," but as to the way in which it is occasionally donc, we were never fully aware until the matter was explained by Dan Marble. "You keep boarders here, ma'am?" said an individual, addressing the landlady of a house, upon the door of which he saw "cheap boarding" painted. "We do," was the response. "What do you charge a week?" "For board without lodging, do you mean?" enquired the lady. "Yes, ma'am." "Three meals a day, sir?" "Fifty cents is our regular price, sir." "Well," rejoined the enquirer, "that's cheap enough, at all events. Do you give your boarders much of a variety?" "Yes, sir, something of a variety-we give them dried apples for breakfast, warm water for dinner, and let them swell up for supper!" m "LOOK a-heah, you Paddy!-wh-whawhat is you a huggin' and kissin' dat ar post for?" said a colored man a day or two since, on seeing an Irishman tightly embracing one of the telegraph posts near this city, on the New York line. "Howld yer toong nager; don't be playin' boderation wid me now whin yez saa I'm ingaged intirely!" replied Pat. "I-I-I dusn't want to boder ye-but I'd like to know what you's doin', dat's all." "Och-ye smuthy-faced blackguard, don't yez saa that I'm stalin' this opportunity on the tilegraph to make love to me darlint little ooman in Philadelphy?" w A young girl once blew her lover out of doors, and then kissed the candle. capacious jaws, took a huge bite from his, when suddenly he disgorged the morsel with an expression of much disappointment, and, turning to his bride, exclaimed: "I swow, Patience, these doughnuts are nothin' but codfish and 'taters!" "Here, you little rascal, walk up and give an account of yourself. Where have you been? "After the gals, father." "Did you ever know me to do so when I was a boy?" "No, sir-but mother did." A YOUNG GOOSE.A market girl sold a gentleman a fine fat goose, warranting it to be young. It turned out, when roasted, to be unmanageably tough. The next day the gentleman said to the market girl, "That goose which you sold me for a young one was very old." "Certainly not," "Yes." Nothing further occurred until the hour for breakfast, when the verdant couple were seated at the table; Jonathan, having burnt his throat by drinking his coffee too hot, and attempting to help himself to an omelette with his fingers, finally had his attention attracted to some fish balls, which are, as every one knows, fish and potatoes minced together, rolled into balls about as large as an ordinary sized apple, and cooked brown. mother say often, that Having procured the dish that contained them, by means of that goose was six a servant, he helped himself and partner to one, each grasping weeks younger than the precious morsel firmly in hand. Jonathan, opening his me." You are my dearest and prettiest girl |