No use for the Trousers. On the morning of the meteor shower, in 1833, old Peyton Roberts, who intended to make an early start to his work, got up in the midst of the display. On going to his door he saw with amazement the sky lighted up with the falling meteors, and he concluded at once that the the world was on fire, and that the day of judgment had come. He stood for a moment, gazing in speechless terror at the scene, and then with a yell of horror, he sprang out of the door into the yard, right into the midst of the falling stars, and here, in his efforts to dodge them, he commenced a series of ground and lofty tumbling that would have done honor to a ropedancer. His wife being awa kened in the meantime, and seeing old Peyton jumping about the yard, called out to him: "What in the name o' sense are you doin' out thar dancin' around without your clothes on?" But Peyton heard notthe judgment and the long, black account he would have to settle, made him heedless of all terrestrial things; and by this time becoming alarmed at his strange behavior, sprang out of bed, and running to the door, shrieked out at the top of her lungs, 'Peyton! I say, Peyton! what do you mean, jumpin' about thar? Come and put on your trousers." Mr. Cooly, after Mrs. C.'s return-WARMED at last. At a camp meeting a number of ladies continued standing on the benches, notwithstanding frequent hints from the minister to sit down. A reverend old gentleman, noted for his good humor, arose and said, "I think if those ladies standing on the benches knew they had holes in their stockings, they would sit down." This address had the desired effect there was an immediate sinking into the seats. A young minister standing behind him, and blushing to the temples, said, "O, brother, how could you say that? 66 "Say that?" said the old gentleman, "it's a fact-if they hadn't holes in their stockings, I'd like to know how they could get them on." How to tell a Gambler. Dan Marble tells a story of a hotel in Natches, where they would not accommodate a gambler and strict orders were given to the servants to leave word at the bar in case any of the "log" fraternity stopped. It so happened that a club-footed gentleman put up at the hotel one night, and, as is customary on such occasions, placed his boots outside the door. Early in the morning they were discovered by one of the darkies, who with all speed, hastened to the bar-keeper. "Da's a gambla in de house!" "Where?" said the bar-keeper, rushing up to the sleeping apartments. "Why dar, in dat room." "How do you know he is a gambler?" 66 Old Peyton, whose fears had nearly overcome him, faintly answered, as he fell sprawling upon the earthOh! Peggy, Peggy! don't you see-e-e that the w-o-r-l-d's a-f-i-r-e?" There an't no use for trousers now." A down east editor has got such a cold in his head that the water freezes on his face when he undertakes to wash. Dobbs says there is advantage about plaid trowsers-every time he gets asleep, the boarders roll him over and play check ers on him. An apothecary asserted in a large company, "that all bitter things were hot." "No," replied a physician, "a bitter cold day is an exception." When yon see a good looking young widow promenade the streets daily, don't imagine she wants a second husband. Oh, such an idea never enters her head. A duck hearing the mistress tell the cook to kill and roast it for dinner, went into the garden and stuffed itself with sage and onions. Perfectly Natural. There are hundreds of people who be "Kase: don't you see his churluck boxes settin' by the doa come very religious when they think yonder!" NATIVITY FIXED.-A correspondent of the Knickerbocker Magazine asks the editor what country Macbeth and Othello were of; and he wisely replies "McBeth was a native of Scotland, and O'Thellow was an Irishman." danger is near them. We have heard of "Lord have mercy upon me-and quick, An Awkward Gait. the World. "Very probably," responded the young lady, as she petulantly drew her beau from the picture. Omitting too much. Putting the best Foot forward. DR. H- J. was one of the able, talented, and eccentric sugeons of the last century. His practice embraced a large circuit, and his fame extended to every part of the State. The Doctor was one morning sitting in his office, pouring over some medical work, fresh from the mother country, via Boston, when a loud rap at the door aroused him. "Come in," said the Doctor, and an old lady hobbled into the apartment, who seemed the very embodiment of dirt and negligence. "Doctor," said she, "I've got a dreadful sore foot-can you help it?" "I will try-let me see it." The old crone proceeded to divest her understanding of the apology for a shoe with which it was covered, and displayed to the astonished Doctor a foot-and such a foot! "My God!" exclaimed the Doctor, throwing up both hands in amazement; "what a dirty foot!" "La! Doctor, ye needn't be in such a wonderment about it; there's dirtier feet than that in the world-I'll warrant-aye, and dirtier feet than that in your own house, as proud as the young ladies, your daughters, are-for all that;" and the old A green, good natured, money-making up-country Jonathan, hag cackled forth her pleasure at the Doctor's astonishment. who said everything drily, "got things fixed," and struck up a "Woman! if you can find a dirtier foot than that in my bargain for matrimony. Having no particular regard for ap-house, I will give you a guinea, and cure your foot for nothpearances, the parties agreed to employ a green-horn country ing." justice to put up the tackling. He commenced the ceremonies by remarking, that "'twas customary, on such occasions, to commence with prayer, but he believed that he would omit that." After tieing the knot, he said "it was customary to give the married couple some advice, but he believed he would omit that; it was customary to kiss the bride, but he believed he would omit that also." The ceremony being ended, Jonathan took the squire by the button-hole and clapping his finger to his nose, said, "Squire, it's customary to give the magistrate five dollarsbut I believe I'll omit that." a "'Pon honor?" said the beldame. The old woman stripped off the other stocking and displayed foot that beggared all description, grinned in the face of the astonished Doctor, exclaiming:-"Gae me the guinea! I knowed it; I washed t'other 'fore I came here." A Western New York farmer writes as follows to a distinguished scientific agriculturist, to whom he felt under obligations for introducing a variety of swine: "Respected sir, I went yesterday to the fair at M;1 found several pigs of your species. There was a great va GREAT MEN.-People who get paid for a long life of study riety of beasts; and I was very much astonished at not seeing by having rowdy porter-houses named after them. A Faithful Captain. A few years since,, two steamers were having a race up the Mississippi, and one of the Captains had crowded on all the steam he could raise, by burning tar, hams, boards, &c., when he "bust his biler." The captain was himself at the wheel when the explosion took place; his steamer was blown into a thousand pieces, but he "stuck to the helm;" the wheel and himself went flying through the air for half a mile or more, when he finally came down through the roof of a little shanty, occupied by a shoemaker. St. Crispin's son looked astonished at the captain, who stood erect before him, with both hands firmly clenched to the pins of the wheel, and coolly remarked "Well, stranger, you're takin' considerable liberty when you enter a man's shop in that manner." "Oh, that's nothing! what's the damage?" asked the captain. The shoemaker looked at the hole in the roof, and said "Cap'n, seein' it's you, I'll estimate the damages at only ten dollars!" "Ten dollars? ten devils!" exclaimed the captain, as if thoroughly astonished at the enormous amount of the shoemaker's demand. "Now stranger," continued the captain, "I have an idea that you are setting the price a thundering sight too high, for this is the fortieth time I've done the same thing, and you are the only man who ever charged me more'n five." you there." ONE of our New York writers thus graphically describes a scene in a mourning store: He says that a lady about fifty years of age, dressed in deep mourning, enters the store, when she is met by a middle-aged man, with very grey hair, who has on spectacles, white neck-cloth and a stiff pad in it, clothed entirely in black, differing only from a regular undertaker in his having a black lead-pencil and a pair of scissors (on the blades of which are engraved "pocket scissors for a gentleman") in his waistcoat, and a whole paper of pins stuck in his coat-cuffs. He inquires in a most heart-rending tone, with mouth drawn down and tears in his eyes "What can we d-0-0-0-0 for you this morning, mum?" Old lady (very feebly, indeed, a handkerchief crammed into her mouth, and entirely covering her face) turns to a shopman dressed in half mourning, and says "Crape." prizes were all out, there were remaining about sixty boxes. Lipman, the concert man, had disappeared. The audience resolved to open the remaining boxes, and if the valuable articles were in them, to give them to the orphans; but nothing but soap-not soft soap-was found. "DISEASES is very various," said Mrs. Partington, as she returned from a street door conversation with Dr. Bolus. "The doctor tells me that poor old Mrs. Haze has got two buckles on her lungs! It is dreadful to think of, I declare. The diseases is so various! one way we hear of people's dying of hermitage of the lungs, another way of the brown creatures; here they they tell us of the elementary canal being out of order, and there about tensors of the throat; here we hear of neurology in the head, there of an embargo; on one side of us we hear of men being killed by getting a pound of tough beef in the sarcofagus, and there another kills himself by discovering his jocular vein. Things change so, that I declare I don't know how to subscribe for any disease now-a-days. New names and nostrils takes the place of the old, and I might as well throw my old hard bag away." "Can you tell me, Biddy, how it is that Chanticleer always keeps his feathers so smooth and sleek?" "Shure, ma'am, an' how should a poor body like me know the likes of that same, now?" "Well, I will tell you. He always carries his comb with him." "I find there are half a dozen partridges in the letter," said a Twin Sisters. We know a farmer in Connecticut who has twin daughters, of whom a capital anecdote is told. They both attended the same school, and not long since one of them was called up The shopman, with the knuckles of the first finger of each by the master, to recite a lesson hand upon the counter, inquires The old lady, sobbing, replies"Black." Upon which the half mourning attendant instantly dries his eyes, and motions a small colored boy, dressed in black, to put up one shutter, at the same time referring her, in a very sepulchral tone of voice, to the full mourning man, on the opposite side of the store, who is perpetually crying at a very high salary. He immediately inquires, in a solemn manner "Had the dear deceased an easy end?" and "you want it very deep?" The touching manner in which this is said visibly affects the bereaved customer, who replies "He had-give me a yard." Everybody sighs, and the old lady leaves the store, not only heart-broken, but infinitely more wretched than when she entered. We(a)ther Wise. A queer Swindle. in geography, which she had "Molly," said a lady to her servant, "I think you'll never set the river on fire." "Indade, ma'am," innocently replied Molly, "I'd never be afther doing anything so wicked-I'd be burning up all the little fishes." A Donation Concert "You have stolen my soul, divine one!" exclaimed Mr. Sickly to his adored. "Pardon me, my dear sir," responded the lady, "I am not in formance in small boxes, by a special committee; but when the boxes were opened, instead of watches, jewelry, pencils, &c., nothing was found but candy, sugar plums, and soap. When the Some western villain has concocted the following "con:" forlorn hope of a besieging army? Why are certain young ladies of the present day like the Because they are about to throw themselves into the breaches. The women of Poland have a watchful eye over their daughters, and make them wear little bells on their persons, to denote where they are and what they are about. Grand Prize fyghte between Mr. Hangarle and Mr. Austria, resulting in ye downfall of Despotism, and ye rise of Universal Liberty. Tyme.-May 1st, 1852,-sunrise. Place.-Open plaine between Austria and Hungarye. Description of ye Fyghte.-Mr. Kossuthe walkes into Austria withe a righte hander, while Amerika shuts ye mouthe of ye Russian Bear-and ye Lion and ye Eagle looke at ye Old Grizzley withe laziness-while Old Mother Englande, withe Paddye bye her side, stands bye to see faire playe. throw ye Pope, and Jonathan stabbs his Bull-Ching Yang becomes Broken China, and is knocked into a T.-and yo Marmalukes, ye Laplanders, ye Niggers, and ye swarthye tribes of Oryental Magnificence, together withe their newlye found brothers, ye men withe tails, hasten to join ye dreadful revelrye. Ye Americane Indians drowne ye cries of fallen Monarchie, and keep time on their drums withe ye sanguinary blows of ye great Hungariane. Spain, berefte of all her power, stands pleading to spare Monarchie-while Buonapartee, surprised at ye tolleringe state of Austria, rolls off, and prepares to give ye Hungariane fitts. An accordeon is styled by the negroes at the south an "edThis is ye sygnal for an universall stryke. Ye Italians over-dicated bellows." "Joe, you have been living in the South, and no doubt are in the habit of taking a little something to drink about eleven o'clock. Now I keep some here for medical purposes, but let no one know it, as my husband Indignant Father-Good God! can I believe my eyes? Five o'clock in the evening, and wants to set the boys a good you are just going out for the day. Are you sure you have breakfasted? What do you say? example." You are going to Delmonico's to breakfast? I suppose, then, you will dine at midnight, and take your supper at five in the morning. And you expect to get along in the world, and be a respected citizen, with such habits! QUEER.-When a fellow first falls in love, the sensation is like a hay-bug crawling up the leg of his trowsers. At least that is the way we suffered when we first squeezed the hand of the gal we loved. A man made application a few days since for insurance on a building situated in a village where there was no fire engine. In answer to the question, "What are the facilities for extinguishing fires?" he wrote, "It rains sometimes." A hoosier gal having given her "feller" a slap that made him see stars in daylight, exclaimed, "Dog my cats, if you han't been taking red-eye, old hoss." An artist out in Alton, Illinois, is getting up a series of paintings, intended for a panorama, showing the formation of the world from chaos. He has certificates that the views he has painted correspond exactly with nature! CHANGE OF NAME.-It may be proper to state that the distinguished individual known among the ancients as Cupid, has recently changed his name to Cupidity, and will hereafter devote his attention to matters of money as well as matrimony. "Jake," said an old farmer, one day, to one of his mowers, "do you know how many horns there are in a dilemma?" "No," replied Jake, "but I know how many horns there are in a quart of whisky." A man in Maine applied for two gallons of rum for "mechanical purposes." "For what mechanical purposes," inquired the agent. "For raising a barn," was the reply." Sentiment and Fact. A young lady who wore spectacles, exclaimed, in a voice of sentimental enthusiasm, to a plowman, who was walking on the road:-"Do you, sir, appreciate the beauty of that landscape? Oh, see those darling sheep and lambs skipping about!" "Them aint sheep and lambs-them's hogs, Miss. MONEY is a useful servant, but a tyrannical master. Joe promised, and thinking he would get no more that day, took, as he expressed it, a" buster." After this he walked out to the stable, when who should meet him but his good old uncle. "Well, Joe," says he, "I expect you are accustomed to drink something in New Orleans, but you find us all temperance here, and for the sake of my sons, I don't let them know that have any brandy about; but I just keep a little out here for my rheumatism. Will you partake?" I Joe signified his readiness, and took another big horn. Then continuing his walk, he came to where the boys were splitting rails. After conversing a while, one of his cousins said "Joe, I expect you would like to have a drink, and so, as the old folks are down on liquor, we keep some out here to help us on with our work." Out came the bottle, and down they sat; and Joe says that by the time he went home to dinner, he was as "tight" as he well could be, and all in consequence of visiting a Temperance Family. |