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life, for there is an intimation in an overburthened parent, to deliver this Census Report very awful for into his keeping twin babies and a them. Let them count up with in- wet-nurse. creasing astonishment at every thou- As in No. I. of the Census, so in sand, or ten thousand, the married No. 11. The great official Busybody couples, the children they are likely rolls about his tub with a great deal to produce, and calculate wbat is to of profitless industry. In this part, become of them. Then let them turn also, are maps and diagrams, playto the threat in the Census. They things for little or for grown-up chilreally may well be terrified. Lamb, dren who want idle amusement. The in bis admirable quaint way, some- ages of married and unmarried, and of where speaking of marriages, alluding husbands and wives relatively, are to the happy man who prays to have thought worthy of laboured diagram his “quiver full” of children, humor- and tables. "The degree of disously protests against having the said parity (age of husband and wife) difquiver shot out upon him. Has the fers, and is greatest at the extreme Census speculator taken a serious age of either sex ;" where else could it hint from Lamb's quaint joke? Hear, be? “The disparity of age has a wide bachelors, and maids, what a Census range, and the returns show one inin progression prepares for you, un- stance in which a man of 30-35 is prepared as you may be for it! married to a woman 90-95, and four
"The great number of childless pa- in which men of 95-100 are married to rents, of unmarried persons, of or- women of 45–50. In one instance it phans, and of large families, particu- appears in the tables that a girl of 18 larly among the poor, sanctions the is married to a man of 100; but this practice of adoption, and points out is an error.” An error indeed in the the propriety of distributing destitute tables! Then why admitted ? The orphans and other children who are worst of errors is, to bave an error in now kept at great expense by parishes, statistics of matters of fact. But I in work houses, or by societies in large doubt very much if it be an error, as, buildings-among the childless fami- if one, it is not accounted for. I am, lies, who would cherish the children Eusebius, unwilling to spare the cenwith a sort of parental affection.” sus-maker as to bis error, because he Would they indeed ? then, if so, Euse- lacks charity in respect of those bius, you and I, and most people protected females," whose privilege it beside, know nothing of human na- is and ought to be to tell little innoture. It is hard sometimes to keep cent fibs in very delicate matters. up the heat of a true “parental affec- What business has this big Busy body tion,” but a “sort of parental affec- to expose such harmless peccadilloes tion" is a sort of affection below in the face of the world ? He would zero. The passage doesn't look like drag them bodily unmercifully by the wit, but can it be a serious proposal ? bair of their heads into light if be It will certainly find a place among could, and did not mistrust the colour the Rejected Addresses, or among of it; to announce to the world those curiosities of thought and in- that it is grey at 25: how pitiless he vention which are said to be pigcon- is ! He publishes as a fact that holed in the moon. This scheme will 35,000 must have told monstrous fibs. offer some good subjects for the pencil Take, Eusebius, the ipsissima verba. of Punch. The pauper Pater familias, “The conclusion appears to be inbeing his own relieving officer, evitable that some 35,000 ladies, more walking unconcernedly with his cight or less, who have entered themselves or nine unprovided-fors hand-in-hand, in the second age, 20-40, really belong and dropping them one by one, with to the third age, 40–60, to which the in unwelcoming doors, or the recep- body of delinquents are transferred tion by an aged spinster of a big lub- in Table 7." Delinquents indeed! berly boy, or an unweaned infant- He is himself the great delinquent, or the nervous bachelor in his quiet for what is it to him, if they profess lodgings, disturbed by an instant de. to know their own ages better than mand upon his dormant affections by he can? Whereas his knowledge is a the entrance of a parish officer and mere pretence made up of odious
figures that nobody can follow, and ages, 20-40, 40–60, 60-80, 80-100, bound up after all in a “more or less." the enumerators of 1851 found respecWhat has a statistician to do with a tively 112, 117, 135, and 159 women “more or less," and to pretend to in Scotland. This great disparity of matter of fact? But be takes upon the sexes, which pervades so many him to read these 35,000 (though I counties of Scotland, well deserves verily believe they are as fabulous as careful investigation, in connection the Eleven Thousand Virgins of Co with the law of marriage, the houselogne) a lecture on the subject, thus, hold manners, and the occupations of
_" Millions of women have returned the people.” Scotchmen leave their their ages correctly. Thousands have Jasses behind them when they cross allowed themselves to be called 20, the Tweed !-a pretty story indeed. or some age near it, which happens How should ill-mannered Census to be the age at which marriage is know that? Did Scotchmen walk most commonly contracted in Eng. into England with enumerators at land, either because they were quite their backs? I can't believe this, Euseunconscious of the silent lapse of bius; there is another "error" to time (here he is caught fibbing him- rectify. I would rather think the self, for he does not believe any such statistics a little cooked in this matthing), or because their imaginations ter, than that they have degenerated still lingered over the hours of that from the character given of them in age; or because they chose foolishly the song, and in the loving nature of to represent themselves younger than their own Bard, who “dearly loved they really were, at the scandalous the lasses, O!" and described them risk of bringing the statements of the so delightfully, that Englishmen have whole of their countrywomen into dis. longed to cross the Tweed to get a credit." * Scandalous risk” indeed- sight of them. Who were they but how gauche ! here is a deficiency of Scotchwomen of whom sang he who manners and common sense too. He sang so well, ought to know that all their country- “ There's nought but care on every han', women would step out in their de- In every hour that passes, 0; fence and vouch for their veracity.
What signifies the life of man, He had better not be caught among
An' 'twere not for the lasses, 0!"! them with that tale in his mouth. Be sure, Eusebius, it was the invention Helen of Troy was, say some over- of some “ rejected” enumerator, who, curious people, near upon a hundred in spite for what was above his reach, when the Greeks and Trojans fought maligned them by insinuation, as the their fatal fight about her ; but the fox in the fable did the grapes. gallant writers of those days had the I must, I grieve to say, check this "Gentleman Pagans'”forbearance, and playful vein. "Here I find very serious never said a word about it. Neither matter indeed. I find a sad charge Homer nor the dramatists after him against our great trade towns. One dared the insult upon her feminine can almost imagine one sees a Moloch honour. Although she caused the de- enthroned in each, and children sacristruction of Troy, none called her a ficed on his altar. This is a frightful " delinquent," though in her modesty account,—“Of 100,000 children born she gave herself a worse name, which in Liverpool only 44,797 live to the out of reverence for the sex I will not age of 20, while in Surrey that age is put into English. Of all “unpro attained by 70,885 out of the same iected females " --something of the number of children born. The prokind was noticed before-Scotch- bable lifetime is about 6 years in our women are the most unprotected; but unhealthiest towns, 52 years in Surrey, let them find consolation in a spite and other comparatively healthy parts. ful longevity. “Scotchmen die in In Manchester, where the mortality is greater numbers than Scotchwomen, high, 100,000 annual births only susor they leave the women of Scotland tain at the ages 20-40, a male populaat home when they cross the Tweed, tion of 38,919; while in all England as well as when they emigrate, and and Wales, where the mortality is do not marry; or marry English now much lower, the same number of wives. So that to 100 men at the births produces a constant force of 61,215 men at that age, and at other commissioner's despair to equal that ages similar disparities in the numbers of M. Moreau Jennès' friend the staliving exist. Now, the mortality was tistician, or that they had quite as not much less in all England formerly much sense, and a little more charity, than it is now. in Manchester, and the than the commissioners of 1851. great diminution in the mortality of After all, Eusebius, there can be England evidently took place at such but little reliance on any accounts of a period of the last and present cen- people's ages; some falsify out of mere turies as left proportionally more sur- joke at the unexpected question, and vivors at the ages 20-40 in 1851 tban some on purpose. I have heard of so at the corresponding ages in 1821, for many expedients resorted to, to avoid the dangers and loss of life incurred by the impertinent questioning, that I give the generations born in the 40 years little faith to the Census. I know one 1781-1801 were greater than those en- instance of a cook, of at least 70, who, countered by the generations born in bearing from below her master questhe years 1811-31.” In a note ap- tioned, laughing called out 18, so she pended, is an extract from the Re- was dotted down at 18; for her master gistrar - General's 7th Report. " In -though some, not you, Eusebius, will Manchester, 100,000 children born are be sorry to hear it-was a clergyman, reduced to about half that number and had that grave politeness which (49,910) in six years." “ The pro- distinguishes the Church of England bable lifetime is about six years." It rectors, vicars, and curates, and I hope behoves the legislature seriously to archdeacons, deans, and bishops, not look to this fact. How can we ex- to contradict her; and this clergyman's pect God's blessing upon our boasted conduct I would bold out for example manufactures, or upon the wealth they to all enumerators and Census men. have accumulated, if obtained at such Another case I am acquainted with, a cost of human life? Does this mas- where a lady, living in lodgings, com. sacre of childhood arise from the debil- municating with an adjacent lodgingity of overworked and perhaps too house, as under one landlady, dodged youthful parents, from overheated and in and out from one house to the other, ill- ventilated manufactories, or, as so that she escaped giving in publicly may not be unlikely, from the tasked her age; but being a conscientious perwork of young mothers, at a time son, such as those who weekly enclose when they should be chiefly occupied omitted taxes to the Chancellor of the in the care of their offspring ? From Exchequer, she followed the enumerawhatever state of things this great tor, and gave him a paper with her evil arises, it ought not to be, and age on it. And here it occurs to me surely the people as one man should to confute the lecturing Census relook to the Legislature to provide porter, by a very natural suggestion, proper sanitary and other means to that if the ages put down by these check a national cruelty.
35,000 “ delinquents” are erroneous, In the page of the Census from how does he know but that very con. which I bave made the above fright- scientious returns may have been since ful extract, I find two curious notes as made-or will be made, and he should, to the difficulty of ascertaining ages; from the example of tax-payers, have they make one view with some dis- thought it probable— to the great trust the dottings down of any and all “Quintus Flestrin” of a Registrar, the enumerators. “ A statistician of who has not, and in all probability eminence informed M. Moreau de never will, take the trouble to look at Jennès, that after many persevering, them. Look at them or not, that is but fruitless attempts, he abandoned no fault of the 35,000 Fair Innocents; in despair an inquiry having for its and if their conscientious returns are object to determine the ages of his but so much waste paper, it is just wife and his cook."
what all the returus, and the whole “In 1841, the Census Commission- costly Census will be very soon, at ers allowed persons of the ages of 34 least as to this matter of age scrutiny. or 33 or 32 to call themselves 30, and Some I know determined not to sleep so for other ages." This little indul- at all that fatal night, that they might gence is amusing; it either shows the conscientiously escape; some say they could not sleep, dreading what is vul. dulity. The passions and affections of garly called "cold pig," at the hands men are governed by laws as certain as of an intruding enumerator, because those of the heavenly bodies; but it is not they were told the scrutiny would be
true-as the phenomena are complicated very particular.
- that the acts of particular iudividuals I am just come to a page (xxxviii) this notion we get rid of the vulgar error;
can always be predicted; and in discarding where the great Gulliver philosophises, but it is true that the acts of numbers of and is proud of his philosophy. He individuals can be predicted with suffienvies astrologists and alchymists, and cient certainty for practical purposes; for thinks his the only philosophier's stone, the marriage returns and these enumeraas he is quite sure that he has found tions, in conjunction with the Life Table, the elixir of life. He boasts that the furnish the means of calculating the chances necromancer was nothing in compari. that a man or woman, young or old, and son with him ; for the necromancer
unmarried, will marry before, in, or after only professed to bring np the dead,
a given year of age-of calculating the whereas he brings down with a flourish probability of remaining a spinster or a of his pen the living to the dead con
bachelor, or of being in the married state dition. He proposes himself as the ing children, -—or of being a widower or a
at any given age,- the probability of bearonly fortune - teller, beating all to
widow; and these calculations will serve, sticks the great Mistress Williams. not merely to gratify idle curiosity, but He will tell you to an hour either to guide the course of men's lives, to rewhen you were or ought to have been gulate the population, to make provisions born ; when you must die of spoon- for children who marry, as well as for those meat, or live 6 years or upwards by who do not marry, and to direct the estabnatural suction; when you must marry
lishment and conduct of social instituor must live single, and as the very
tions which may mitigate the calamities pith of his philosophy, that if you die
of premature death.” young, you certainly will not live to Facts are not always facts, Eusebe old. Almanac-makers with their bius, there are such things as facts conjectures are dead; but Gulliver's with a difference— facts that a skilful Census survives to tell all the world player for mere sport sets up like nineall that all the world ought to know; pins, only to be knocked down by the and with a pride quite beyond his hand of him, the judicious bowler, with usual modesty, he heads his important a little bowl that he has in his hand, announcement of his possible doings always with a bias, that comes unexthus, “Useful Applications of Real pectedly round a corner of the ground, Knowledge.” He promises to be the and lays every fact prostrate. Thus only and true intelligencer, the regu- this sporting conjuror, having settled lator of life and death, the marrier of the fact that to every one hundred children, the director of institutions, husbands who have married once in and the sole physician to “mitigaté a stationary community there would the calamities of premature death." be about 33 widowers, and to every Being assured, Eusebius, that you 100 wives 40 widows, adroitly bowls never met with, and probably never down these facts, husbands and wives, heard of, so wonderful a Gulliver, I widowers and widows; and sets up extract for your use or amusement, anew his ninepins of somewhat differaccording as you may wish to be de: ent proportions, saying, “ Instead of 33 ceived or laugh, (qui vult decepi de- and 40, which are the results of the cipiatur), this account which he gives above hypothesis, the actual proporof his marvellous self:
tions are immediately altered by with
drawing from the ranks (that is, knock“ Without entering into any further or
ing down by his bias ball) of the mar. profounder analysis, it is sufficiently evi- ried those who have at one time been dent that the returns open a new field of widowers or widows." This reminds me philosophical inquiry into a subject which las bitherto been treated lightly; and
of an accountant who declared in my that the fortune-teller may yet share the presence that he could make a debtor or glory or the shame of the astrologists and creditor side appear as he pleased. But the alchymists, whose success was the evi- wbat is the use, Eusebius, of all this dence of undiscovered truth, as well as of real or unreal knowledge, this game their bold rapacity, and of mankind's cre- of ninepius, upon an imaginary population? Is it to amuse the world, subordinate members not differing which he says is youngerthan it should greatly from the average of 37,000 to be-"the population is now younger each, amount to 110,730, and their than it would be by the natural stan- importance cannot be overrated; yet, dard” — that he sets up these chil. in point of mere numbers, they would dren's plays, these kind of Cheshire be outvoted by the tailors of the kingpuzzles; these playthings of diagrams dom.” This would verify the old sayand mappings, on which to open his ing, for, in elections for a parliament tee-totum ? Madame de Stael thought man, the “pine tailors" would certhe world was fifteen years of age, tainly make him. Census treats it with toys that would The three learned professions, as befit it in its infancy. I pointed out they are usually called, do not very to you some of those childish diagrams much differ from each other in numin my last paper; such as told you bers. “The clergy of the Established how you and your neighbour were ap- Churches (18,587), lawyers (16,763), proaching each other, dreading a colli- and the medical men (18,728), ditler sion; of the silliness of Density and little from each other in numbers; and, Proximity Games or Tables. In this in the aggregate, amount to 54,078." part I find one scarcely less childish- These are the guardians of the public a map of England coloured over with morals, rights, and health. If the hieroglyphics, as hats, hose, guns, question of the Roman satirist be boots, seem to denote the localities of asked, Who shall watch the guardians ? trades, and other figures for occupa- - the inquirer may derive some sations in mines, &c. Whether gene- tisfaction in learning, as he may by rally correct or not I care not to exa- turning to the lists, that there is a pomnine. I see in one instance an error, liceman to every three, and a few coal being marked where I should be over. The policemen being 18,318 extremely happy if any could be found. (a trifle less than the clergy), multiThese sportive maps and diagrams plied by three, they make 55,024. must have cost a great deal of money; The overplus, 946, being possibly but also a great deal of money was to thought a proper additional force to be earned in providing them, and keep a look-out upon the higher funcBusybody must roll about his tub to tionaries of divinity and law, archshow that as every 1000 of the popu- bishops, bishops, deans and their lation would have to pay £5, 4s. Od., chapters, lord-chancellors, judges of they would not have to pay so much the several courts, &c. &c.,- such jealfor absolutely nothing; therefore, next ous politicians as Sir B. Hall will to nothing in utility, but a great deal scarcely think the extra number sufliin show, has been turned out of Busy- cient. body's tub as it went round. Thus, But here, Eusebius, this penman how everybody employs himself is Gulliver of the Census seems to discovered. I am only afraid of an have committed a numerical error after discovery and enumeration of the —for a statistician strange. It bas drones, as some economists please to been seen that in the “Results and call them, of society ; whom, when Observations " he has put down the such economists become both enume- clergy of the Established Churches rators and governors in this our land, at 18,587, whereas in the tabular it may please them to drive out of the list they stand at 17,621, a differhive; but who are, and who are not ence of 966 ; but I find in Class III. drones-like the old epigram in trouble- p. cxxviii.,
Missionary, Scripture some times, " wbich is the King, and Reader, Itinerant Preacher, 965, which is the Pretender”-must be left one short of the number.
But as for the statistics of some new commis- 3 of these 965 are under 20 years sioners, when universal suffrage and of age, they cannot be Clergy of the the ballot-box prevail. We may have Established Church ; and if meant to a glimpse of the matter from the pre- make up the number, as in Report, sent Census, which, after enumerating 18,587, by deducting these 3, the the learned professions, gives this im- amount will be short by 4. Then, portant fact to ruminate upon : "The again, these 965 do not seem to bethree professions, with their allied and long to the Established Church, as