Tom and the Landlord in amaze stared at the clock with stupid gaze, and for a moment neither spoke; at last the Landlord silence broke:"You mean the clock that's ticking there? I see no wonder, I declare! though may-be, if the truth were told, 'tis rather ugly, somewhat old; yet time it keeps to half a minute; if you please, sir, what wonder 's in it ?"

"Tom, don't you recollect," said Will, "the clock at Jersey, near the Mill, the very image of this present, with which I won the wager pleasant ?" "Sir, begging pardon for inquiring," the Landlord said, with grin admiring, "what wager was it ?"-"You remember it happened, Tom, in last December: in sport I bet a Jersey Blue that it was more than he could do to make his finger go and come in keeping with the pendulum; repeating, till the hour shall close, still,-'Here she goes, and there she goes.' He lost the bet in half a minute."

"Well, if I would, the deuce is in it!" exclaimed the Landlord; try me yet, and fifty dollars be the bet." Agreed; but we will play some trick, to make you of the bargain sick!" "I'm up to that!""Don't make us wait,-begin,—the clock is striking eight."—He seats himself, and left and right his finger wags with all its might, and hoarse his voice and hoarser grows, with-"Here she goes, and there she goes!"

"Hold!" said the Yankee, "plank the ready!" The Host still wagged his finger steady, while his left hand, as well as able, conveyed a purse upon the table.-"Tom! with the money let's be off!"-This made the Landlord only scoff. He heard them running down the stair, but was not tempted from his chair; and loud and long the ditty rose of“ Here she goes, and there she goes!"

His mother now came in to see her daughter: "Where is Mrs. B-? When will she come, do you suppose ?...son!". 66 Here she goes, and there she goes!" "Here!-where?"-the lady in surprise his finger followed with her eyes; "Son! why that steady gaze and sad? those words, that motion,-are you mad? But here's your wife, perhaps she knows,-What?"-"Here she goes, and there she goes!" "Lawks!" screamed the wife, "I'm in a whirl! Run down and bring our little girl; she is his darling, and who knows but""Here she goes, and there she goes!"-"Law! he is mad! What made him thus? Oh, 'ma! what will become of us ?"—"Run for a doctor, -run, run, run,-for Doctor Brown and Doctor Dun,-and Doctor Black and Doctor White,-and Doctor Gray, with all your might!"

The Doctors came, and looked, and wondered, and shook their heads, and paused, and pondered. Then one proposed he should be bled," No, leeched, you mean," the other said. "Clap on a blister!" roared another, "No! cup him.”—“No, trepan him, brother." -Then one produced a box of pills, his certain cure for earthly ills:"I had a patient yesternight," quoth he, "and wretched was her plight; and, as the only means to save her, three dozen patent pills I gave her; and by to-morrow, I suppose that"-"Here she goes, and there she goes!"

"You are all fools!" old Madam said,- "The way is just to shave his head. Run! bid the Barber come anon.' 9966 Thanks, mother!"thought her clever son; yet from his lips no accent flows but--" Here she goes, and there she goes!" The Barber came-"My goodness! what a queerish customer I've got; but we must do our best to save him,-so hold him,

Gemmen, while I shave him!" But here the Doctors interpose,-"A woman never "_" There she goes!"—" A woman is no judge of physic, not even when her baby is sick. He must be bled." "No, no, a blister." -"A draught, you mean."-" I say, a clyster,"-"No, cup him,""Leech him,"-"Pills! pills! pills!" and all the house the uproar fills. What means that smile? what means that shiver? The Landlord's limbs with rapture quiver; and triumph brightens up his face, his finger yet shall win the race; the clock begins the stroke of nine, and up he starts," "Tis mine! 'tis mine!"-" What do you mean ?"-" I mean the 'fifty;' I never spent an hour so thrifty. But you, who tried to make me lose, go, burst with envy, if you choose! But how is this? where are they?"—" Who?". "The gentlemen,-I mean the two came yesterday, are they below ?"-"They galloped off an hour ago.""Oh, dose me! blister! shave! and bleed! for, hang the knaves, I'm mad indeed!"

IV. THE FARMER'S WIFE AND THE GASCON.-Horace Smith. Ar Neufchatel, in France, where they prepare cheeses that set us longing to eat mites, there dwelt a Farmer's Wife, famed for her rare skill in these small quadrangular delights. This damsel had, to help her on the farm, to milk her cows, and feed her hogs,—a Gascon peasant, with a sturdy arm for digging or for carrying logs; but in his noddle weak as any baby, in fact a gaby! And such a glutton, when you came to feed him, that Wantley's Dragon, that "ate barns and churches," as if they were geese and turkeys (vide the ballad), scarcely could exceed

him.

One morn, she had prepared a monstrous bowl of cream, like nectar; and would not go to church (good careful soul!) till she had left it safe with a protector: so she gave strict injunctions to the Gascon "to watch it," while his mistress was to Mass gone.-Watch it he did-he never took his eyes off, but lick'd his upper, then his under lip, and doubled up his fist to drive the flies off, begrudging them the smallest sip. Each moment did his appetite grow stronger; his hunger yearn'd! At length he could not bear it any longer; but on all sides his looks he turn'd, and, finding that the coast was clear, he quaff'd the whole up at a draught.

Scudding from church, the Farmer's Wife flew to the dairy; but stood aghast, and could not for her life one sentence mutter, until she muster'd breath enough to utter, "Here! Betty! Mary!" and shortly with a face of scarlet, the vixen (for she was a vixen) flew upon the varlet, asking the when, and where, and how, and who, had gulped her cream, nor left an atom? To which he gave-not separate replies,— but with a look of excellent digestion, one answer made to every question, "The flies!" "The flies, you rogue? the flies, you guttling dog? Behold your whiskers still are covered thickly; thief!-villain! -liar!-gormandizer!--hog!-I'll make you tell another story quickly!' So out she bounc'd, and brought, with loud alarms, two stout Gensd'armes, who bore him to the Judge-a little prig, with angry bottle nose, like a red cabbage rose, while lots of white ones flourish'd on his wig!Looking at once both stern and wise, he turned to the delinquent, and 'gan to question him and catechise, as to which way the drink went ?

Still the same dogged answers rise, "The flies, my Lord-the flies, the flies!" "Pshaw!" quoth the Judge, half peevish and half pompous. "Why, you're a non compos! You should have watch'd the bowl, as she desired, and killed the flies, you stupid clown."-" What is it lawful, then," the dolt inquired, "to kill the flies in this 'ere town?" "The man's an ass-a pretty question this! Lawful? you booby! to be sure it is. You've my authority, where'er you meet them, to kill the rogues, and, if you like it, eat them."-"Zooks," cried the rustic, "I'm right glad to hear it! Constable, catch that thief! may I go hang if yonder blue-bottle (I know his face) isn't the very leader of the gang that stole the cream;-let me come near it.'-"This said, he started from his place, and, aiming one of his sledge-hammer blows at a large fly before the Judge's nose, the luckless blue-bottlo he crush'd, and gratified a double grudge; for the same catapult completely smash'd the bottle-nose belonging to the Judge.

V. THE SUICIDE.-Anonymous.

His eye was stern and wild; his cheek was pale and cold as clay;
Upon his tighten'd lip, a smile of fearful meaning lay.

He mused awhile, but not in doubt; no trace of doubt was there;
It was the steady, solemn pause of resolute despair!

Once more he looked upon the scroll, once more its words he read ;
Then calmly, with unflinching hand, its folds before him spread :
I saw him bare his throat, and seize the blue, cold gleaming steel,
And grimly try the temper'd edge he was so soon to feel.
A sickness crept upon my heart, and dizzy swam my head;
I could not stir-I could not cry-I felt benumbed and dead!
Black icy horrors struck me dumb, and froze my senses o'er;
I closed my eyes in utter fear, and strove to think no more. --
Again I look'd: a fearful change across his face had pass'd;
He seemed to rave-on cheek and lip a flaky foam was cast.
He raised on high the glittering blade ;-then first I found a tongue:
"Hold, madman! stay the frantic deed!" I cried, and forth I sprung.
He heard me, but he heeded not; one glance around he gave;
And, ere I could arrest his hand, he had-begun to shave!

VI.-FAITHLESS SALLY BROWN.-
-Thomas Hood.
YOUNG Ben he was a nice young man, a carpenter by trade;
And he fell in love with Sally Brown, that was a lady's maid.
But, as they fetch'd a walk one day, they met a press-gang crew;
And Sally she did faint away, while Ben he was "brought to."
The Boatswain said, with wicked words, enough to shock a saint,
That, though she did seem in a fit, 'twas nothing but a feint!
"Come, girl," said he, “hold up your head, he'll be as good as me;
For when your swain is in our boat, a boat-swain he will be."

So when they'd made their game of her, and taken off her elf,
She roused-and found she only was a-coming to herself!
"And is he gone? and is he gone?" she cried, and wept outright;
Then I will to the water-side, and see him out of sight!"

A Waterman came up to her: "Now, young woman," said he,
"If you weep on so, you will make 'eye-water in the sea!"
"Alas! they've taken my beau Ben, to sail with old Benbow!"
And her woe began to run afresh, as if she said "Gee-woe!"

Says he "They've only taken him to the Tender-ship, you see."
The Tender-ship?" cried Sally Brown: "what a hard-ship that must

be!

Oh! would I were a mermaid now, for then I'd follow him;
But, oh! I'm not a fish-woman, and so I cannot swim!"

Now Ben had sailed to many a place that's underneath the world;
And, in two years, the ship came home, and all her sails were furled.
But when he called on Sally Brown, to see how she got on,

He found she'd got another Ben, whose Christian name was John.

Oh, Sally Brown! oh, Sally Brown! how could you serve me so?

I've met with many a breeze before, but never such a blow!"

Then reading on his 'bacco-box he heaved a bitter sigh,
And then began to eye his pipe, and then to pipe his eye.

And then he tried to sing "All's Well," but could not, though he tried:
His head was turned, and so he chew'd his pigtail till he died!
His death, which happened in his berth, at forty-odd befel:
They went and told the Sexton-and the Sexton tolled the bell!

VII.-THE "THROES" OF SCIENCE.-Bret Harte.

I RESIDE at Table Mountain, and my name is Truthful James;
I am not up to small deceit, or any sinful games;

And I'll tell, in simple language, what I know about the row
That broke up our Society upon the Stanislous.

But first I would remark, that it's not a proper plan
For any scientific gent. to whale his fellow-man;
And if a member don't agree with his peculiar whim,
To lay for that same member for "to put a bead" on him.
Nothing could be finer, or more beautiful to see,
Than the first six months' proceedings of that same society;
Till Brown, our great geologist, brought a lot of fossil bones
That he found within the tunnel, near the tenement of Jones.
Then Brown he read a paper, and he reconstructed there
A paleotherium-animal that was extremely rare:

And Jones then asked the "chair" for a suspension of the rules,
Till he could prove that those same bones were one of his lost mule's.
Then Brown he smiled a bitter smile, and said, his greatest fault

Was that he had been "trespassing on Jones's family vault."

He was the most sarcastic man, this quiet Mr. Brown,
And, on several occasions, he had cleaned out the town.
Now, I hold it is not decent for a scientific gent.
To say another is an ass-at least to all intent:
Nor should the individual who happens to be meant,
Reply by heaving rocks at him—to any great extent.

Then Abner Dean, of Angel's, raised a point of order, when

A chunk of old red sandstone took him in the abdomen,

And he smiled a sort of sickly smile, and curled up on the floor-
And the subsequent proceedings interested him no more!

Then, in less time than I tell it, every member did engage

In a warfare with the remnants of a paleozoic age;

And the way they heaved those fossils in their anger was a sin,
And the skull of an old monarch caved our chairman's head right in.
-And this is all I have to say of these improper games,

For I live at Table Mountain, and my name is Truthful James;
And I've told, in simple language, what I know about the row
That broke up our Society upon the Stanislous.

VIII. THE BRIEFLESS BARRISTER.-J. G. Saze.

AN attorney was taking a turn, in shabby habiliments drest;
His coat it was shockingly worn, and the rust had invested his vest.
His breeches had suffered a breach-his linen and worsted were worse:
He had scarce a whole crown in his hat, and not half a crown in his
purse!

And thus, as he wandered along, a cheerless and comfortless elf,
He sought for relief in a song, or complainingly talked to himself:

"Unfortunate man that I am! I've never a client but grief :

The case is, I've no case at all, and, in brief, I have ne'er had a brief.
I've waited and waited in vain, expecting an 'opening' to find,
Where an honest young lawyer might gain some reward for the toil of
his mind.

'Tis not that I'm wanting in law, or lack an intelligent face,

That others have cases to plead, while I have to plead for a case.

Oh, how can a modest young man e'er hope for the smallest progression! The profession's already so full, of lawyers so full of profession!"

While thus he was strolling around, his eye accidentally fell

On a very deep hole in the ground, and he sighed to himself, "It is well!"

To curb his emotions, he sat on the curbstone the space of a minute, Then cried, "Here's an opening at last!" and, in less than a jiffy, was in it.

Next morning, twelve citizens came, ('twas the Coroner bade them attend) To the end that it might be determined, how deceased had determined his end.

"The man was a lawyer, I hear," quoth the Foreman who sat on the corse "A lawyer? alas!" said another "he undoubtedly died of remorse!" A third said, "He knew the deceased-an attorney well versed in the

laws;

And as to the cause of his death, 'twas no doubt for the want of a

The jury decided at length, after solemnly weighing the matter, "That the lawyer was drownded, because he could not keep his head above water!"