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pitched upon a Wedgewood ink-stand on the table under it. In vain did Sir Thomas assure me there was no harm done. I saw the ink streaming from an inlaid table on the Turkey carpet; and, scarce knowing what I did, attempted to stop its progress with my cambric handkerchief. In the height of this confusion, we were informed that dinner was served up.

In walking through the hall and suite of apartments to the diningroom, I had time to collect my scattered senses; till I was desired to take my seat at the table, betwixt Lady Friendly and her eldest daughter. Since the fall of the wooden Xenophon, my face had been continually burning like a firebrand; and I was just beginning to recover myself, and to feel comfortably cool, when an unlooked-for accident rekindled all my heat and blushes. Having set my plate of soup too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Miss Dinah, who politely complimented the pattern of my waistcoat, I tumbled the whole scalding contents into my lap. In spite of an immediate supply of napkins to wipe the surface of my clothes, they were not stout enough to save me from the painful effects of this sudden fomentation, and, for some minutes, my legs and thighs seemed stewed in a boiling caldron; but, recollecting how Sir Thomas had disguised his torture when I trod upon his gouty toe, I firmly bore my pain in silence, and sat with my lower extremities parboiled, amidst the stifled giggling of the ladies and servants. I will not relate the several

blunders which I made during the first course, or the distresses occasioned by my being desired to carve a fowl, or help to various dishes that stood near me, spilling a sauce-boat, and knocking down a saltcellar; rather let me hasten to the second course, where fresh disasters quite overwhelmed me.

me.

I had a piece of rich sweet pudding on my fork, when Miss Louisa Friendly begged to trouble me for part of a pigeon that stood near In my haste, scarce knowing what I did, I whipped the pudding into my mouth-hot as a burning coal! it was impossible to conceal my agony; my eyes were starting from their sockets! At last, in spite of shame and resolution, I was obliged to drop the cause of torment on my plate. Sir Thomas and the ladies all compassionated my misfortune, and each advised a different application. One recommended oil, another water, but all agreed that wine was perhaps the best for drawing out the heat; and a glass of sherry was brought me from the sideboard-I snatched it up with eagerness: but, oh! how shall I tell the sequel? Whether the butler by accident mistook, or purposely designed to drive me mad, I know not; but he gave me the strongest brandy, with which I filled my mouth, already flayed and blistered. Totally unused to every kind of ardent spirits, with my tongue, throat, and palate, as raw as beef, what could I do? I could not swallow, and, clapping my hands upon my mouth, the burning liquor squirted through my nose and fingers, like a fountain, over all the dishes, and I was crushed by bursts of laughter from all quarters. In vain did Sir Thomas reprimand the servants, and Lady Friendly chide her daughters; the measure of my shame and their diversion was not yet complete. To relieve me from the intolerable state of perspiration which this accident had caused, without considering what I did, I wiped my face with that ill-fated handkerchief, still wet from the consequences of the fall of Xenophon, and covered my features with streaks of ink in every direction! The Baronet himself could not support this shock, but joined his lady in the

general laugh; while I sprang from the table in despair, rushed out of the house, and ran home, in an agony of confusion and disgrace, which the most poignant sense of guilt could not have excited.

XXVII.-REPORT OF A

LAW-SUIT-GOODY GRIM versus LAP

STONE. —Smith (Mathews "At Home.")

WHAT a profound study is the law! and how difficult to fathom! Well, let us consider the law; for our laws are very considerable, both in bulk and numbers; according as the statutes declare,-considerandi, considerando, considerandum,—and are not to be meddled with, by those who don't understand them.

Law, always expressing itself with true grammatical precision, never confounding moods, cases, or genders,-except, indeed, when a woman happens accidentally to be slain, then a verdict is always brought in man-slaughter. The essence of the law is altercation; for the law can altercate, fulminate, deprecate, irritate, and go on at any rate. "Your son follows the law, I think, Sir Thomas ?" "Yes, Madam, but I am afraid he will never overtake it; a man following the law, is like two boys running round a table; he follows the law, and the law follows him." However, if you take away the whereofs, whereases, wherefores, and notwithstandings, the whole mystery vanishes; it is then plain and simple. Now, the quintessence of the law has, according to its name, five parts:-the first is the beginning, or incipiendum; the second, the uncertainty, or dubitandum; the third, delay, or puzzle-endum; fourthly, replication without endum; and fifthly, monstrum et horrendum: all which are clearly exemplified in the following case— -GOODY GRIM AGAINST LAPSTONE. This trial happened in a certain town, which, for reasons, shall be nameless, and is as follows:-Goody Grim inhabited an alms-house, No. 2, Will Lapstone, a superannuated cobbler, lived in No. 3, and a certain Jew Pedlar, who happened to pass through the town where those alms-houses were situated, could only think of number One. Goody Grim was in the act of killing one of her own proper pigs; but the animal, disliking the ceremony, burst from her hold-ran through the semi-circular legs of the aforesaid Jew,-knocked him in the mud, ran back to Will Lapstone's the cobbler, upset a quart bottle full of gin belonging to the said Lapstone, and took refuge in the cobbler's state bed.

The parties, being, of course, in the most opulent circumstances, consulted counsel learned in the law. The result was that Goody Grim was determined to bring an action against Lapstone "for the loss of her pig with a curly tail;" and Lapstone to bring an action against Goody Grim for the loss of a quart bottle full of Hollands gin; and Mordecai to bring an action against them both for "de losh of a teetotum dat fell out of his pocket in the rencounter." They all delivered their briefs to counsel; before it was considered, they were all parties and no witnesses. But Goody Grim, like a wise old lady as she was, now changed her battery, determined to bring an action against Lapstone, and bind over Mordecai as an evidence.

The indictment set forth, "That he, Lapstone, not having the fear of the assizes before his eyes, but being moved by pig and instigated by pruinsence, did, on the first day of April, a day sacred in the annals of the law, steal, pocket, hide, and crib, divers, that is to say,

five hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails, and did secrete the said five hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails, in the said Lapstone's bed, against the peace of our Lady the Queen, her crown, and dignity.

Mordecai was examined by counsellor Puzzle. "Well, Sir, what are you?"

“I sells old clo' and sealing-vax, and puckles."

"I did not ask you what you sold; I ask you what you are?"

"I am about five-and-forty."

"I did not ask your age; I ask you what you are?"

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'I am a Jew."

Why couldn't you tell me that at first? Well, then, Sir, if you are a Jew, tell me what you know of this affair."

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As I vas a valking along'

Man-I didn't want to know where you were walking."

Vel, vel, vel! As I vas a valking along'

So, you will walk along in spite of all that can be said."

Plesh ma heart, you frighten me out of my vits-As I vas a valking along, I seed de unclean animal coming towards me-and so, says IOh! Father Abraham, says I❞—

"Father Abraham, Sir, is no evidence."

"You must let me tell my story my own vay, or I cannot tell it at all. As I vas a valking along, I seed de unclean animal coming towards me-and so, says I-Oh, Father Abraham, says I, here comes de unclean animal towards me, and he runned between my legs, and upshet me in te mut."

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Now, do you mean to say, upon your oath, that that little animal had the power to upset you in the mud ?"

"I vill take my oash dat he upshet me in te mut." "And pray, Sir, on what side did you fall ?"

"On te mutty side."

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'I mean, on which of your own sides did you fall ?"

I fell on my left side."

"Now, on your oath, was it your left side?"

"I vill take ma oash it vas my left side."

"And, pray, what did you do when you fell down?"

"I got up again as fast I could."

"Perhaps you could tell me whether the pig had a curly tail ?"

"I vill take ma oash his tail vas so curly as my peerd."

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And, pray, where were you going when this happened ?"

I vas going to de sign of de Goose and Gridiron."

"Now, on your oath, what has a goose to do with a gridiron ?"

"I don't know, only it vas de sign of de house. And all more vat I

know vas, dat I lose an ivory tee-totum out of ma pocket."

"Oh, you lost a tee-totum, did you? I thought we should bring you to something at last. My Lord, I beg leave to take an exception to this man's evidence! he does not come into court with clean hands."

“How de mischief should 1, when I have been polishing ma goods all morning?"

"Now, my Lord, your Lordship is aware that the word tee-totum is derived from the Latin terms of te and tutum, which mean 'keep yourself safe.' And this man, but for my sagacity, observation, and so forth, would have kept himself safe; but now he has, as the learned Lord Verulam expresses it, let the cat out of the bag.""

"I vill take ma oash I had no cat in the bag."

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"My Lord, by his own confession, he was about to vend a tee-totum. Now, my Lord, and gentlemen of the Jury, it is my duty to point out to you, that a tee-totum is an unlawful machine, made of ivory, with letters printed upon it, for the purpose of gambling! Now your Lordship knows that the act, commonly known by the name of the 'Littlego Act,' expressly forbids all games of chance whatever; whether put, or whist, or marbles, or swabs, or dumps, or chuck-farthing, or tee-totum, or what-not. And, therefore, I do contend that this man's evidence is contra bonos mores, and he is, consequently, non compos testimoniæ."

Counsellor Botherem then rose up.-"My Lord, and gentlemen of the Jury, my learned friend, Puzzle, has, in a most facetious manner, endeavoured to cast a slur on the highly honourable evidence of the Jew merchant. And I do contend, that he who buys and sells, is, bona fide, inducted into all the mysteries of merchandise; ergo, he who merchandises is, to all intents and purposes, a merchant. My learned friend, in the twistings and turnings of his argument, in handling the tee-totum, can only be called obiter dictum;— he is playing, my Lord, a losing game. Gentlemen! he has told you the origin, use, and abuse of the tee-totum; but, gentlemen! he has forgot to tell you what that great luminary of the law, the late learned Coke, has said on the subject, in a case exactly similar to this, in the 234th folio volume of the Abridgment of the Statutes, page 1349, where he thus lays down the law, in the case of Hazard versus Blacklegs,- Gamblendum consistet, enactum gamblendi, sed non evendum macheni placendi.' My Lord, I beg leave to say, that, if I prove my client was in the act of vending, and not playing with the said instrument-the tee-totum-I humbly presume that all my learned friend has said, will come to the ground.”

(Judge.)" Certainly, brother Botherem, there's no doubt the learned Sergeant is incorrect! The law does not put a mar extra legium, for merely spinning a tee-totum."

"My Lord, one of the witnesses has owned that the pig had a curly tail. Now, my Lord, I presume if I prove the pig had a straight tail, I consider the objection must be fatal.”

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Certainly; order the pig into court."

Here the pig was produced; and, upon examination, it was found to have a straight tail, which finished the trial. The learned Judge, in summing up the evidence, addressed the Jury:-" Gentlemen of the Jury, it is wholly unnecessary to recapitulate the evidence; for the removal of this objection removes all ground of action. And, notwithstanding the ancient statute, which says, ' Serium pigum, et boreum pigum, et vendi curlum tailum,' there is an irrefragable proof, by ocular demonstration, that Goody Grim's grunter had a straight tail, and therefore, the prisoner must be acquitted."

This affair is thrown into Chancery, and it is expected it will be settled about the end of the year 1950.

ADDITIONAL

SELECTIONS FOR RECITATION.

[Several of the following Extracts have been condensed, to render them brief and effective in recitation.]

I.-PARADISE AND THE PERI. -(Condensation) Thomas Moore. ONE morn, a Peri, at the Gate of Eden, stood disconsolate; and, as she listen'd to the Springs of Life within, like music flowing, and caught the light upon her wings through the half-open portal glowing, she wept-to think, her recreant race should e'er have lost that glorious place!

"How happy," exclaimed this child of air," are the holy Spirits who wander there, 'mid flowers that never shall fade or fall; though mine are the gardens of earth and sea, and the stars themselves have flowers for me, one blossom of Heaven outblooms them all! Could I wing my flight from star to star-from world to luminous world, as far as the universe spreads its flaming wall; take all the pleasures of all the spheres, and multiply each through endless years, one minute of Heaven were worth them all!"

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The glorious Angel, who was keeping the gates of Light, beheld her weeping: Nymph of a fair but erring line!" gently he said," one hope is thine. 'Tis written in the Book of Fate, the Peri yet may be forgiven who brings to this Eternal Gate the Gift that is most dear to Heaven: go, seek it, and redeem thy sin 'Tis sweet to let the Pardoned in."

Down the blue vault the Peri flies; and, lighting earthward, by a glance that just then broke from morning's eyes, hung hovering o'er our world's expanse. While there she mused, her pinions fann'd the air of that sweet Indian land, whose sandal groves and bowers of spice might be a Peri's Paradise! but, crimson now, its rivers ran with human blood-the smell of death came reeking from those spicy bowers; and man, the sacrifice of man, mingled his taint with every breath upwafted from the innocent flowers!Averse, the Peri turns her gaze, and, through the war-field's bloody haze, beholds a youthful Warrior stand alone, beside his native river—the red blade broken in his hand, and the last arrow in his quiver. "Live!" said

his Conqueror, "live to share the trophies and the crowns I bear!" Silent that youthful Warrior stood-silent he pointed to the flood, all crimson'd with his country's blood, then-sent his last remaining dart for answer to the Invader's heart!

False flew the shaft, though pointed well; the Tyrant liv'd-the Hero fell! Yet marked the Peri where he lay; and when the rush of war was o'er, swiftly descending on a ray of morning light, she caught the last, last glorious drop his heart had shed, before its freeborn spirit fled!

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