40 ALL PRopose some end when they SIN

and beautiful, although in comparison with those higher and beatific joys they are mean and low. A man commits a murder; why has he done it? he was in love with the man's wife or his possessions; or he sought to rob for his own livelihood; or he feared that he would incur some loss at the other's hands; or he burned to have his revenge for a wrong which he had suffered. Would a murder be committed without a cause, simply for the delight of murdering? who would believe such a thing? For, as for that heartless and cruel man, of whom it is said, that he was gratuitously wicked and cruel, there is, after all, a cause assigned; "lest," says he, "through idleness my hand or mind should lose its powers." 1 But wherefore this? why so? why, in order that, by becoming an adept in wicked deeds, having taken the city, he might gain honours, power, and riches, and be freed from fear of the laws, and from his domestic embarrassments from want of means, and from the consciousness of his crimes. Neither then did Cataline himself love his crimes, but something else, for the sake of which he committed them.

CHAPTER VI.

All Things, which under the semblance of good invite to Vices, in God alone are to be found true and perfect.

HAT then was it which I, poor wretch, loved

WHAT

in thee, O theft of mine, O wicked deed of mine, that night, in my sixteenth year? Thou wert not beautiful because thou wert a theft; or art thou 'SALLUST. de Bell. Catil. c. 9.

VICES, SEMBLANCES OF VIRTUES

4I

anything at all, that thus I should address thee? Beautiful were those pears which we stole, for they were made by Thee, Thou most beautiful of all, Creator of all, Thou good God, God, my sovereign good and my true good. Those pears were beautiful, but it was not for them my wretched soul craved; I had plenty of better, but those I took only for the sake of stealing. For having gathered them, I threw them away, feasting only on the lusciousness of the sin, which I enjoyed. For if I did taste some of them, it was the sin which gave them a sweet flavour. And now, O Lord my God, I ask what it was in that theft which delighted me, for, behold, I can find no beauty in it; I mean not such beauty as is found in justice and prudence, neither such as is in the mind and memory, in the senses and animal life of man; nor yet as the stars and the bright orbs of heaven are glorious; nor such as is in earth and sea, teeming with that nascent life, which by its birth replaces all decay; nor even that imperfect and shadowy beauty which deceptive vices seem to possess.

For thus pride apes highness; whereas Thou alone art our all, the high God. And ambition, what does it seek but honours and glory; whereas Thou alone art to be honoured above all, and to be glorified for evermore. And the cruelty of those in power seeks to be feared; but who is to be feared save God alone, and from His Hands what power can be snatched or withdrawn ?—when, or where? how, or by whom? And the fondlings of the licentious would fain be taken for love, but nothing is so tender as Thy Love, nor is anything loved more healthfully than Thy Truth, which is beautiful and luminous above all. And curiosity affects to

42

Sin, perveRSE IMITATION OF GOD

be a desire for knowledge; whereas Thou hast supreme knowledge of all. Ignorance also and foolishness pass under the cloak of simplicity and harmlessness, because nothing can be found more simple than Thy own Being; and what can be more harmless than Thyself, since they are his own deeds which injure the sinner? And sloth, as it were, seeks to be at rest; but what sure rest is there except in the Lord? Luxury would fain be styled fulness and abundance; but Thou art the Fulness and the unfailing Abundance of sweetness incorruptible. Prodigality hides itself under the cover of liberality; but Thou art the most plenteous Giver of all good things. Covetousness desires to possess much; and Thou possessest all things. Envy quarrels about excellency; and Thou—what is so excellent as Thyself? Anger seeks revenge; and who takes vengeance more justly than Thyself? Fear shudders at unusual and sudden accidents which endanger objects beloved, and uses precaution for safety's sake; but what can be unwonted, what can be sudden to Thee? or who can separate1 from Thee, the object Thou lovest? or where can be lasting safety but with Thee? Sadness pines away at the loss of things, in the possession of which we found delight; because we would not have anything taken away from us, as nothing can be taken away from Thee.

Thus is the soul like an unfaithful spouse, when it turns away from Thee, and seeks apart from Thee what she cannot find pure and unadulterated, till she comes back to Thee. All perversely imitate Thee who go far from Thee, and lift themselves up against Thee; yet even in such an imitation as that they show I Rom. viii. 9.

PARDON AND PRESERVATION, BOTH FROM GRACE 43

that Thou art the Creator of all nature, and that there is consequently no place where they can entirely withdraw themselves from Thee.

What was it, then, in that theft I loved? and how did I then wickedly and perversely imitate my Lord? Did it please me to act at least by stealth against Thy laws, since I could not by sovereignty; so that I, a captive, might ape a lame liberty, by escaping the punishment though not the guilt of what I did—a dark image of Thy Omnipotency? Behold, here is Thy servant, fleeing from his Lord, and following a shadow. O corruption, O monster of life, and depth of death! Is it possible that I liked to do what I might not, simply and for no other reason than because I might

not.

CHAPTER VII.

He gives Thanks to God for the Forgiveness of his Sins, and because he had been kept from many.

I

WHAT shall I render unto the Lord" for

"WHAT permitting my soul to recall these things,

and yet to feel no terror about them? "I will love Thee, O Lord, and give Thee thanks and confess unto Thy Name," because Thou hast forgiven me my wicked and disgraceful deeds. I ascribe it to Thy Grace and to Thy Mercy, that Thou hast dissolved my sins like the ice. It is owing to Thy Grace, too, that I have not committed more sins; for what was I not ready to do, who even loved a base action for its own sake? And I confess that all has been forgiven me; whatever sins I have done by my own will, as well as those which but for 1 Ps. cxvi. 12.

46

GOD, THE SOUL'S HIGHEST GOOD

alone; I should never have done it alone. Behold before Thee, O my God, is this vivid remembrance of my soul; that I should not have committed this theft if alone, in which I found no pleasure from the thing stolen, but only from the stealing; and the stealing would have been no pleasure to me, if I had been by myself, neither should I have done it. O friendship, beyond measure enmity! O incomprehensible seduction of the mind! O avidity for doing mischief out of mere sport and wantonness-thou desire for another's loss, without gain to thyself, without lust of revenge! but when they say, "Let us go and do it," and we are ashamed not to be shameless.

WHO

CHAPTER X.

In God is all Good.

HO can untie this twisted and tangled skein? It is loathsome; I will look at it no longer, I hate the sight of it. Thee I long for, O Justice and Innocence, fair and graceful to chaste eyes, ever satisfying and yet ever desired. There is rest with Thee, true rest, and life unruffled. He that enters into Thee," enters into the joy of his Lord;" and shall know no fear of evil, and shall find all good in Thee the Highest Good. I fell away from Thee, and wandered, O my God, far astray from Thee, my Strength, in my youth, and I became to myself like a barren land.

1 S. Matt. xxv. 21.

I