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GOD IS TRUTH ITSELF

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there I found my God, the Truth Itself; Which, from the time I learned, I have not forgotten. And thus, from the time I learned Thee, Thou remainest in my memory, and therein I find Thee, when I remember Thee and delight in Thee. These are my holy delights, which Thou in Thy Mercy hast vouchsafed to me, regarding my destitution.

CHAPTER XXV.

In what part of his Memory God is found.

BUT

UT where dost Thou remain in my memory, O Lord, where therein remainest Thou? What place of rest hast Thou found for Thyself? Thou hast bestowed this honour upon my memory, to abide in it; but in what part of it-this I am considering. For when I recall Thee, I soar beyond those parts of it which I have in common with the beasts, because I found Thee not amongst the images of bodily things; and I came to those parts of it to which I committed the affections of my mind, neither there did I find Thee. And I entered into the very seat of my mind, which it has in my memory, for my mind also remembers itself-nor wert Thou there: for as Thou art not a bodily image, nor an affection of a living being as when we rejoice, sorrow, desire, fear, remember, forget, and the like, so neither art Thou the mind itself, because Thou art the Lord God of the mind; and all these things are changed, but Thou remainest unchangeable over all, and yet hast deigned to dwell in my memory, from the time I learned Thee. And do I ask in what part of it Thou dwellest, as if

292

THE ATTRACTIONS OF DIVINE BEAUTY

indeed there were places in it? Thou dost surely dwell in it, for I have remembered Thee ever since I learned Thee, and in it I find Thee when I call Thee to mind.

WH

CHAPTER XXVI.

Where God is found.

WHERE, then, did I find Thee, that I might learn Thee? For Thou wert not already in my memory, before that I learned Thee. Where, then, did I find Thee, that I might learn Thee, but in Thyself above me? Place is nowhere; and we go backward and forward, and yet there is not place. Thou, the Truth, everywhere dost preside over all who consult Thee, and respondest to all at once, however diverse their questions may be. Clearly dost Thou answer, though all do not clearly hear. All consult Thee upon whatever they please, but do not always hear what they like. He waits on thee to most purpose, who does not so much look to hear from Thee what accords with his wishes, as to bring his wishes into accord with what he hears from Thee.

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CHAPTER XXVII.

How the Beauty of God attracts Man.

And

OO late have I loved Thee, Beauty so ancient, and so new! Too late have I loved Thee! behold, Thou wert within, and I without, and without I sought Thee; and I, deformed, ran after those forms of beauty which Thou hast made. Thou wast with

THE TRIALS OF THis present life 293

me, and I was not with Thee. Those things held me back from Thee, which could have no being but in Thee. Thou calledst, Thou criedst, and Thou breakest through my deafness. Thou flashedst, thou shinedst, and Thou chasedst away my blindness. Thou didst become fragrant, and I drew in my breath, and panted after Thee. I tasted, and I hunger and thirst. Thou touchedst me, and I burned for Thy embrace.

WHEN

CHAPTER XXVIII.

The Miseries of this Life.

HEN I shall cleave to Thee with my whole being, I shall have no more sorrow and labour; and my life shall be a living life, all full of Thee. But now, seeing that all whom Thou fillest, Thou liftest up; I being not full of Thee, am a burden to myself. Sorrowful joys contend with joyous sorrows; and which will conquer, I know not. Ah me! Lord, have mercy upon me! My evil sorrows contend with my good joys; and which will conquer, I know not. Ah me! Lord, have mercy upon me! Alas! Look, I do not hide my wounds; Thou art the Physician, I the sick man; Thou art merciful, I am miserable. life of man on earth all temptation?" who likes troubles and difficulties? them to be endured, not to be loved. what he endures, though he loves to endure. For

I

Is not the Who is there Thou orderest

No one loves

1 Job vii. 1. This is the Old Vulgate rendering of Job vii. 1. In the English Bible it is, "Is there not an appointed time to man upon earth?" The present Vulgate is, "Militia est vita hominis super terram?"

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294 AND NOW, LORD, WHAT IS MY HOPE"

though he may be glad to bear, he would rather there were nothing to be borne. In adversity, I desire prosperity; in prosperity, I fear adversity. What middle place is there between them, where " the life of man is not temptation"? Woe unto the prosperity of the world, once and again, from fear of adversity, and corruption of joy! Woe to the adversity of the world, once and again and a third time, from the desire of prosperity, and because adversity itself is a hard thing, and lest it subdue patience! Is not, then, "the life of man on earth one temptation" without intermission?

AN

CHAPTER XXIX.

All Hope is in God.

Thou en

And "when I knew,"

I

ND my whole hope is in nothing but in Thy exceeding great Mercy. Grant what Thou commandest, and command what Thou wilt. joinest upon us continency. saith a certain one, 66 that no one can be continent unless God should grant it, this also was a point of wisdom to know Whose gift it was." By continency, we are re-collected and gathered back into One, from Whence we have floated away into many. For he loves Thee too little who loves something else with Thee, which he loves not for Thee. O Love, Who ever burnest and art never consumed! O Charity, my God, inflame me ! Thou commandest continency, grant me what Thou commandest, and command what Thou wilt.

I Wisd. viii. 21.

THE THREE LUSTS TO BE SUBDUED 295

CHAPTER XXX.

He confesses his present Condition as to Carnal
Desire.

THOU

HOU commandest, indeed, that I should restrain myself from the lust of the flesh, and from the lust of the eyes, and from the ambition of the world.1 Thou hast forbidden concubinage; and as to marriage itself, Thou hast counselled something better than that which Thou hast permitted. And because Thou hast granted it, it was observed, even before I became a dispenser of Thy Sacrament. But still there live in my memory (of which I have spoken so much) the images of such things, as my habits have fixed there; and these rise up before me, lacking indeed their old power, when I am awake; but in sleep they present themselves not only so far as to call forth pleasure but also consent, and very like reality. Yes, so far has the illusion of the image power over my soul and my flesh, that, when asleep, imaginations carry with them more force than realities when I am awake. Am I not at that time myself, O Lord my God? And yet how great difference is there between myself and myself, in the moment when I pass from waking to sleeping, or return from sleeping to waking! Where, then, is the reason which resists such suggestions when I am awake? And if the things themselves are borne in upon it, it remains unshaken. Is it, then, closed with the eyes? is it lulled to sleep, with the senses of the body? But how is it, then, in sleep we often resist, and mindful of our resoI John ii. 16.

I

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