WHY CONFESS TO MAN? .

259

dost Thou hear any such utterance from me which Thou hast not first said unto me.

CHAPTER III.

With what Fruit he makes Confession next of what he is, not now of what he was.

WHAT

7HAT good, then, is it to me, that men should hear my confessions,' as if they could "heal all my infirmities"? The race is curious to know the lives of others, backward to correct their own. Why seek they to hear what I am, from myself, who will not hear what they themselves are, from Thee? And how can they tell what I say of myself is true, when they hear it from myself; for “no man knows what is in man, but the spirit of man which is in him"? 3 But if they hear from Thee of themselves, they cannot say, “The Lord lieth." For what is it to hear from Thee of themselves, but to know themselves? And who can know himself and say, "It is false," unless he lieth himself? But because "charity believeth all things," + amongst those at least whom it unites together by union with itself, I also, O Lord, do so confess unto Thee, that men may hear, to whom I cannot prove whether I confess truly; yet they believe me, whose ears charity opens to me.

4

Yet do Thou, my most inward Physician, make

He is not speaking of Confession as a part of Repentance, made with a view to Absolution, but of "the Confessions" which he is writing. He is discussing with himself as to whether such a revelation of his life as he is now making can bring to himself and to others any advantage.

2 Ps. ciii. 3.

260 AUGUSTINE CONFESSES HIS PRESENT STATE

ness.

clear to me what fruit I may reap from this undertaking. For the confessions of my past evils, which "Thou hast forgiven" and "hast covered," "I that Thou mightest gladden me in Thee, transforming my soul by faith and Thy Sacrament-when read and heard, stir up the heart, that it sleep not in despair and say, "I cannot," but awake to a sweet sense of Thy Mercy and of Thy Grace, whereby the weak, whoever he be, becomes strong, who by it is made conscious to himself of his own weakAnd it delights the good to hear of the past evils of those who are now freed from them; not indeed that they delight in the evils themselves, but because they have ceased to exist. With what fruit, then, O Lord my God, to Whom my conscience daily makes confession, resting more upon Thy Mercy than its own innocency-with what fruit, I beg of Thee, do I even to men, before Thee, by means of these my writings now confess, not what I have been, but what I am? For the fruit of confessing the past I have seen and stated. But what I now am, at this very moment of making my confessions, many desire to know, both of those who have, and of those who have not known me, and have heard something of me, from myself or from others; but their ear is not at my heart, where I am, whatever I am. They want therefore to hear me confessing something of my inner life, where neither eye, nor ear, nor mind can penetrate, yet they are ready to believe what I say ; but will they understand? For charity, which maketh them good, tells them that I shall not lie, in my confessions; and charity in them gives credence to me.

1 Ps. xxxii. I.

HIS OBJECT IN DOING THIS

261

CHAPTER IV.

What great Fruit he proposes ́in this Confession.

BUT

I

UT what fruit do they seek in this? Do they desire to congratulate me, when they hear how near I approach Thee, by Thy Gift; and to pray for me, when they hear how much by my own weight I am retarded? To such I will reveal myself. For it is no small fruit, O Lord my God, that "by many thanks should be given to Thee on our behalf," and that by many, intercession should be offered for us. Let a fraternal spirit love in me what Thou teachest is to be loved, and grieve in me for that which Thou teachest is to be lamented. Let a fraternal spirit do this, not that of a stranger, not "of the strange children, whose mouth talketh of vanity, and their right hand is a right hand of iniquity," but that fraternal spirit which, when it approves me, rejoices about me, and when it disapproves me, grieves for me; because, whether it approves or disapproves, it loves me. To such I will manifest myself; let them breathe freely at my good, and sigh over my evil. All that is good in me is from Thy appointment, and Thy Gift; my evils are my own offences, and Thy judgments. Let them breathe freely at the one, and sigh over the other; and let their song and their weeping ascend into Thy sight, from their fraternal hearts, "Thy censers." 3 But do Thou, O Lord, delighted with the odour of Thy holy Temple," have mercy upon me according to Thy great Mercy,"4 for Thy Name's sake; and on no 2 Ps. cxliv. II.

I 2 Cor. i. II.
3 Rev. viii. 3.

4 Ps. li. i.

262

CONGRATULATION AND PRAYER

account forsaking what Thou hast begun, complete what is still imperfect in me.

I

This is the fruit of my confessions, not of what I was, but of what I am, to confess this, not only in Thy Presence with a secret "exultation with trembling,” and a secret grief with hope; but in the ears also of the believing sons of men, the companions of my joy and the sharers of my mortality, my fellow-citizens and fellow-pilgrims,-those who were before me, shall be after me, and are with me,-on the road of life. These are Thy servants, my brethren, whom Thou willest to be Thy sons; my masters, whom Thou orderest me to serve, if I would live with Thee, of Thee. And it would have been little, had Thy Word only bidden me by speaking, and had not also gone before me by doing. This I do, then, both in deed and word, this I do "beneath Thy Wings," in peril too great, were not my soul under Thy Wings subject to Thee, and my weakness known unto Thee. I am but a little child, but my Father ever liveth, and my Protector is sufficient for me; for He is the Same Who begat me, and Who defends me. And Thou Thyself art all my good; Thou, Almighty, Who art with me, yes, before I was with Thee. To such, then, as Thou biddest me serve, will I reveal, not what I was, but what I am now, and what I yet may be. "But neither do I judge myself." In this way, then, I would be heard.

2

MAN'S KNOWLEDGE OF Himself ImpeRFECT 263

CHAPTER V.

Man knows not himself wholly.

OR "Thou, Lord, judgest me;" although, indeed,

FOR

no man knoweth the things of a man, but the spirit of man which is in him," yet is there something of man which not even the spirit of man which is in him knows. But Thou, Lord, Who hast made him, knowest the whole of him. But I, though I despise myself in Thy sight, and count myself but "dust and ashes," yet know something of Thee, which I know not of myself. And certainly, "now we see through a glass darkly," not yet "face to face ;" and therefore, as long as I am "absent from Thee," I am more present with myself than with Thee; and yet I know that Thou canst in no way suffer injury; but what temptations I can resist, and what I cannot, I know not. And my hope lies in this, that "Thou art faithful, Who wilt not suffer us to be tempted above that we are able; but wilt with the temptation also make a way to escape, that we may be able to bear it." 4 I will confess, then, what I know about myself, and confess also what I know not. And since what I do know of myself, I know through the shining of Thy Light upon me; what also I know not of myself, I know not, only until my "darkness be made as the noonday" 5 in Thy Countenance.

I Cor. ii. II.
4 I Cor. x. 13.

21 Cor. xiii. 12.

3 2 Cor. v. 6.

5 Is. lviii. 10.