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252

THE PAIN OF SEPARATION

And behold, the body was carried out; we went, we returned without tears. For neither in those prayers which we poured forth to Thee, when the Sacrifice of our Ransom was offered on her behalf, the corpse being now placed by the side of the grave, before it was laid in it, as the custom there is, not even in those prayers did I weep; yet was I the whole day in deep sorrow in secret, and with a troubled spirit besought Thee, as well as I could, to heal my sorrow, but Thou didst not do it; impressing, I believe, upon my memory by this one test how strong is the force of habit, even on the mind which now no longer is fed by some delusive word. It seemed also good to me to go and bathe; because I had heard that bath (balneum) was derived from the Greek word Baλaveîov, for the reason that it dispelled anxiety from the mind. Lo, this also I confess unto Thy Mercy," Father of the fatherless,” that I bathed, and was the same afterwards as before. For the bitterness of grief did not perspire out of my heart. Then I slept, and awoke, and found my grief in no small degree subdued, and as I lay alone in my bed, those true verses of Thy Ambrose came to my thoughts; for Thou art

"The God Whose creatures all things are,

Whose rule extends to every star,

Who deck'st the day with beauteous light,
With grateful slumbers cloth'st the night;
That rest may to our wearied frame
Bring strength, fresh labour to sustain,

"2

It was the custom of "the ancients" to have a celebration of the Holy Communion at funerals, for the repose of the dead and the comfort of the living.

2 Ps. lxviii. 5.

SOULS, NOT beyond the reach of PRAYER 253

And worn-out minds may solace find,

When they their pressing griefs unbind."

And then by degrees did I bring back my former thoughts of Thy handmaid, and her pious conversation towards Thee, her holy care and kind service towards us, of which I was suddenly deprived; and it was a comfort to me to weep in Thy sight, concerning her and for myself, concerning myself and for her. And I let go my tears which I had before restrained, that they might flow out as much as they pleased, spreading them as it were a bed beneath my heart, and I rested on them, since only Thy Ears were nigh me, not those of man, who might have put a disdainful interpretation on my weeping. And now, O Lord, I confess it to Thee in writing. Let him read who wills, and put upon it whatever interpretation he likes; and if he finds sin in this weeping for my mother during some small part of an hour-for the mother who for a while was dead to mine eyes, who had for many years wept for me, that I might be alive in Thine Eyes-let him not deride me; but rather, if he be a man of large charity, let him weep himself for my sins before Thee, the Father of all the brethren of Thy Christ.

CHAPTER XIII.

He prays for his deceased Mother.

UT now, my heart being healed of that wound in

BUT

so far as I was open to the reproach of having too earthly an affection, I pour out to Thee, my God, on behalf of that Thine handmaid a far different kind of tears-tears which flowed from the agitation of my

254 "ENTER NOT INTO JUDGMENT, O LORD”

spirit when I thought of the perils of every soul “ that dieth in Adam.” Although she, "made alive in Christ,” even when not yet delivered from the flesh, had so lived, that Thy Name was praised by her faith and conversation; yet dare I not say, that from the time when Thou regeneratedst her by Baptism, no word had gone forth from her mouth contrary to Thy precept. And it is said by the Truth, Thy Son, “Whosoever shall say to his brother, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire." And woe be even to those whose lives were praiseworthy, if in Thy scrutiny Thou puttest away mercy! But because Thou art not extreme in searching out our sins, we hope with confidence to find some place with Thee. But who is there who, if he count up his true merits to Thee, does ought else but count up to Thee Thine own Gifts? O that men would know themselves to be but men; and that “he that glorieth, would glory in the Lord"! 3

I then, O my Praise and my Life, God of my heart, setting aside for a while her good deeds, for which I joyfully thank Thee, now entreat Thee for the sins of my mother. Hear me, through the Medicine of our wounds Who hung on the Tree, and Who, sitting at Thy Right Hand, “maketh intercession for us."4 I know that she was merciful to others, and "forgave her debtors their debts; do Thou also forgive her her debts," whatever she may have contracted through the many years she lived, after the water of salvation. Forgive, O Lord, forgive, I pray Thee, "enter not into judgment with her."" Let "Thy Mercy exalt itself 2 Matt. vii. 3; V. 22. 4 Rom. viii. 34.

II Cor. xv. 22.

3 2 Cor. x. 17.

5 Matt. xviii. 35; vi. 12.

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"LOOK UPON THE FACE OF Thine anointed" 255

above Justice," for Thy words are true, and Thou hast promised 66 mercy to the merciful; "2 who became so only through Thy gift, Who wilt have mercy on whom Thou wilt have mercy, and wilt "have compassion on whom Thou hast had compassion."3

And I believe that Thou hast already done that which I ask Thee, but "accept, O Lord, the free-will offerings of my mouth."4 For she, when the day of her dissolution was now at hand, took no thought to have a sumptuous covering for her body, or to have it embalmed with spices; nor did she desire to have a fine monument, or care to be buried in her own country. She gave us no injunctions concerning such things as these, but desired only that a memorial of her might be made at Thine Altar, which she had served without interruption day by day; whence she knew was dispensed the holy Victim, by Which the "handwriting that was against us is blotted out,"5 by Which the enemy was triumphed over, who, reckoning up our offences, and seeking something to lay to our charge, "finds nothing in Him," in Whom we conquer. Who will refund to Him the innocent blood? Who will restore to Him the price by which He bought us, so as to take us out of his hand? Unto the Sacrament of which our price, Thy handmaid bound fast her soul with the bond of faith. Let none from Thy Protection tear her. Let not " the lion and the dragon "7 either by force or by deceit: for she will not plead that she owes nothing, lest she should be convicted and held by the cunning accuser; but she will reply, that "her

I James ii. 13.
3 Exod. xxxiii. 19.
5 Col. ii. 14.

2 Matt. v. 7.

4 Ps. cxix. 108.

6 John xiv.

Rom. ix. 15.
30.

7 Ps. xci. 13.

258

WHY CONFESS TO GOD?

before Thee, in confession; and with my pen, before many witnesses.

CHAPTER II.

Seeing that God knows all Secrets, why confess to Him.

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ND from Thee, O Lord, "unto Whose Eyes" the deep recesses of the human conscience are naked," what could be hidden in me, even if I were unwilling to confess it to Thee? For I might hide Thee from myself, not myself from Thee. But now, when my groaning is a witness that I am displeased with myself, Thou shinest out, and art pleasing, and loved and longed for; that I may be ashamed of myself, and reject self, and choose Thee, and neither please Thee, nor myself, except in Thee. To Thee, therefore, O Lord, I am manifest, whatever I am, and with what fruit I confess unto Thee, I have mentioned. Neither do I thus simply with words and sounds of the flesh, but with words of the soul, and the cry of thought, which Thine Ear heareth. For when I am evil, to confess to Thee is nothing else than to be displeased with myself; but when good, to confess to Thee, is nothing else than not to attribute it to myself, because Thou, O Lord, "dost bless the just," but first Thou "justifiest him when ungodly."3 My confession, then, is made in Thy sight, my God, silently, and not silently. For it is silent as to sound; it cries aloud as to affection. For neither do I speak anything rightly to man, which has not been first heard by Thee; nor I Heb. iv. 13. Ps. v. 13. 3 Rom. x. 5.

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