LONGING FOR ETERNAL BLISS 247 the soul herself silent to herself, and by not thinking of self were to rise above self, if all dreams and imaginary revelations, every tongue, and every sign, and all that is transient, be silenced absolutely, since if any could hear, these all would say, “We made not ourselves, but He made us Who abideth for ever; "if these having spoken, now should be silenced, having rendered our ears more attentive to Him Who made them, and He alone should speak, not through them, but by Himself, that we may hear His Word, not by a tongue of flesh, nor by the voice of an Angel, nor by a sound from a cloud, nor by the darkness 3 of a similitude, but might hear Himself Whom in these we love, might hear Himself without them-as we now strained ourselves, and with a bound of thought touched the eternal Wisdom Which remaineth over all ;-could this last, and other visions of a far different kind be withdrawn, and this one ravish and absorb and envelop its beholder with inward joys, so that his life might be everlastingly like that one moment of understanding for which we now sighed, would not this be, "Enter thou into the joy of thy Lord" ?4 And when shall this be? Shall it not be when "we all shall rise again, but shall not all be changed "?5 I was thus speaking, and if not in this very manner and these exact words, yet Thou knowest, Lord, that in that day, where we talked of such things, this world with all its pleasures grew contemptible to us, even as we spake, then my mother said, “Son, for my own part, nothing in this life gives me any further delight. What do I here any longer, and why I am still here, I 2 Ps. lxxvii. 17. 3 1 Cor. xiii. 12. 5 1 Cor. xv. 51. I Ps. c. 3. 4 Matt. xxv. 21. 248 MONICA'S LAST ILLNESS know not, now that my hopes in this world are concluded. There was one thing for which I wished to stay a little longer in this life, that I might see thee a Catholic Christian before I died. My God hath granted me this, and more than this, even that I should see thee, despising all earthly happiness, and devoted to His service: what do I still here ?" I CHAPTER XI. Her falling into a Swoon, and her Death. Do not remember what I said to her, in reply to these things. However, within five days of this time, or not much more, she was prostrated by fever. And being very ill, one day she fell into a swoon, and was for a little while insensible. We hastened to her, and soon she was brought back to consciousness, and gazing upon me and my brother, who were standing by her, she said to us inquiringly, "Where was I?” Then beholding us, stunned with grief, she said, "Here shall you bury your mother." I was silent and suppressed my tears. But my brother said something, to the effect that he wished that she might die in her own country and not abroad, as being a happier lot. When she heard this, with an anxious look, chiding him with her eyes for savouring of such things, and then gazing on me, See," saith she, "what he says;" and soon after she said to us both, "Lay this body anywhere; let not the care for it be any concern to you. This only I beg of you, to remember me at the Lord's Altar, wherever you may be." And when she had thus expressed her mind with what words she could, 66 her indifference as to BURIAL-PLACE 249 she ceased to speak, labouring with pain as she grew worse. But I, reflecting upon Thy Gifts, which Thou, O unseen God, dost infuse into the hearts of Thy faithful servants, whence such wonderful fruits do spring forth, did rejoice and give Thee thanks, recalling what I before had known, how she had ever been agitated with anxiety as to her burial-place, which she had provided and prepared for herself by the side of her husband. For because they had lived very peaceably together, she had also wished (so little is the human mind able to lay hold of things divine) this addition to that happiness, and to have it recorded among men, that after her travels beyond the seas, it was granted to her that in the same earth should be buried all that was earthly of this united couple. But when this vanity had, through the plenteousness of Thy Goodness, begun to be no longer in her heart, I knew not, and I rejoiced admiring what she had so disclosed to me; although in that conversation which we had at the window, when she said, "Do I hear any longer?" she did not seem to have any desire to die in her own country. I heard too, afterwards, that when we were now at Ostia, she was talking one day with some friends of mine in motherly confidence, whilst I was absent, about the contempt of this life, and the advantage of death; and when they, astonished at the courage which Thou hadst given to her, a woman, asked her whether she did not dread to leave her body so far from her own city, she said, "Nothing is far from God, nor is there any occasion to fear, lest at the end of the world He should not know whence He should raise me again." Then, on the ninth day of her illness, and in 250 AUGUStine contrOLS HIS GREat grief the fifty-sixth year of her age, and my thirty-third, was that religious and pious soul freed from the body. I CHAPTER XII. How he mourned for the Death of his Mother. CLOSED her eyes; and a great sorrow flowed into my heart, and tears began to flow, which by a violent mental effort I sucked back with my eyes till their fountain was dry again, and what did I not go through in that struggle! But when she breathed her last, the boy Adeodatus wept aloud, and only by our united efforts was he silenced. In this way also something of the child in me, which was about to find a vent in weeping, through the youthful voice of my heart, was checked and silenced. For we did not think it fitting to celebrate such a funeral with lamentations and wailings; because by these we are for the most part wont to express our sorrows for those who die unhappily, or, as it were, for their total extinction. But she did not die unhappily, nor did she die entirely. Of this we were assured by the testimony of her life, by her faith unfeigned, and on grounds which admitted of no doubt. What, then, was it which caused my deep inward pain, but the fresh wound, received from the sudden break of that most sweet and precious habit of living together? I was rejoicing indeed in her testimony, that in her last illness, kindly noticing my attention, she called me "dutiful," and recorded with great affection of love, that she had never heard any harsh PREPARATION FOR THE FUNERAL 251 or reproachful word come forth out of my mouth against her. But yet, O my God, Who madest us, what comparison is there between the honour I paid to her and the services she rendered to me? Being, then, reft of such a comfort as she was, my soul was torn with grief, and my life was torn asunder as it were, which had been, out of hers and mine, made one. I The boy then having been restrained from crying, Evodius took up the psalter, and began to sing the psalm, “ I will sing of mercy and judgment to Thee, O Lord," 1 to which the whole household responded. But hearing what we were doing, many brethren and religious women came together; and whilst those whose duty it was, in the usual way, were making arrangements for the funeral, I, in a part of the house where I might properly do so, discoursed upon something suitable for such a time, together with those who thought that I ought not to be left alone; and thus, with the fomentation of Thy Truth I mitigated that anguish, known to Thee-they knowing nothing of it, as they eagerly listened and imagined that I had no sense of sorrow. But I, in Thy Ears, where none of them heard, was reproaching the softness of my affection, and was holding back the flow of grief, which for a little while yielded to me, and then came with its own violence, not enough to burst out into tears, nor to cause a change of countenance, though I knew how much self-restraint I was practising in my heart. And as I was extremely vexed that these human things had such power over me, necessary as they are in the due order and lot of our condition, with another grief I grieved for my grief, and was tormented by a double sorrow. 1 Ps. ci. I. |