222

MONICA, Reaping in JOY

He asked to see what I had read. I showed it him; and he looked beyond what I had read, and I did not know what followed. This followed, “Him that is weak in the faith, receive." This he applied to himself, and told me. And being strengthened by this admonition, and by a determination and good resolve, such as was most suitable to his character (in which he had always differed very much, and that for the better, from me), without any vexatious delay he joined me. Thence we went to my mother, and told her-she rejoices. We relate how it came to pass; she exults and triumphs, and blesses Thee, “Who art able to do above that which we ask or think; "2 for more she perceived had been granted to her for me, than she was wont to ask by her tears and pitiful groanings. For Thou convertedst me to Thee, so that I sought neither a wife nor any hope of this world, standing in that rule of faith, on which Thou hadst, so many years ago, showed me to her in a vision. And Thou didst "turn her mourning into joy” 3—a joy more abundant than she had desired, and dearer and more chaste than she used to look for, from the offspring of my flesh.

I

' Rom. xiv. I.

2

Eph. iii. 20.

3 Ps. XXX. II.

BOOK IX.

He determines to give up the profession of Rhetoric, and to devote his life to God alone, but not before the Vintage Vacation, which was near at hand. In the meanwhile, in the country at Cassiacum, with his friend Verecundus, he prepares to receive the grace of Baptism; and at length, with Alypius and his son Adeodatus, he is baptized. Not long after, on his way to Africa, he reaches Ostia with his friends, and with his mother, Monica, whose life and holy character he gives a short summary of. She dies there in her fifty-sixth year, and Augustine's thirty-third.

CHAPTER I.

He praises the Goodness of God; acknowledging his

I

own Misery.

LORD, I am Thy servant; I am Thy servant, and the son of Thy handmaid. Thou hast loosed my bonds. I will offer to Thee the sacrifice of praise." Let my heart and my tongue praise Thee, and let all my bones say, "O Lord, who is like unto Thee?" Let them say this, and answer Thou me, and 66 say unto my soul, I am thy Salvation."3 Who am I, and what am I? What of evil has there not been in my deeds; or if not in my deeds, in my words; or if not in my words, in my will? But Thou, O Lord, art good and merciful, and Thy Right Hand regarded the depth of my death, and from the bottom of my heart didst drain out the abyss of corruption. And I Ps. cxvi. 16, 17.

2 Ps. xxxv. 10.

3 Ps. XXXV. 3.

224 AUGUSTINe's peace, afTER CONVERSION

the whole change was this, not to will what I willed, and to will what Thou willedst. But where during those many years, and from what deep and low recess was my free-will called forth in a moment, so as to place my neck under Thy "easy yoke," and my shoulders to Thy "light burden," "O Christ Jesus,

my Helper and my Redeemer"? How sweet did it suddenly become to me, the very doing without the sweetnesses of those toys! And what I had feared to lose I now delighted to part with. For Thou didst cast them from me, Thou true and sovereign Sweetness. Thou didst cast them away, and didst enter in instead of them, Thyself, dearer than all sweetness, but not to flesh and blood; brighter than all light, but more inward than all recesses; more exalted than all honour, but not to those who are exalted in themselves. Now my mind was free from the gnawing cares of seeking and getting, and of wallowing in and exciting prurient passions. And I prated to Thee, my Brightness, my Riches, and my Salvation, the Lord my God.

CHAPTER II.

He defers giving up the Profession of Rhetoric until the Vintage Vacation.

AND it seemed good to me in Thy presence, not

tumultuously to snatch away, but gently to withdraw, the service of my tongue from the markets of speech; that the young, who meditate not on Thy Law, nor Thy Peace, but on lying follies and forensic disputes, might no longer purchase from my lips arms Matt. xi. 30. 2 Ps. xix. 14.

1

AUGUSTINE ABANDONS A SECULAR CALLING 225

for their raving. And it happened opportunely, that but a few days remained before the commencement of the Vintage Vacation, and I determined to endure them, so as to leave in the ordinary way, and having been redeemed by Thee, no more to return for sale. Our purpose then was known to Thee; but to menexcept our own friends-it was not known. For we had agreed among ourselves, not to let it get abroad to any; although Thou to us, ascending from the "vale of tears,' ," and singing the Gradual Psalms, hadst given "sharp arrows" and "burning coals," consuming "the deceitful tongue," which, whilst seeming to counsel for us, thwarts us, and in showing love consumes us, as it is accustomed to do its food.

Thou hadst wounded our hearts with the dart of Thy Love, and we have borne about with us Thy words, as it were fixed in our inmost parts; and the examples of Thy servants, whom Thou hadst made out of black into shining white, and out of dead into living, brought together in the bosom of our thought, burnt and consumed our heavy torpor, that we might not tend downwards to the lowest things; and they enkindled us intensely, so that every blast of "the deceitful tongue" only inflamed us the more vehemently-did not extinguish us. Nevertheless, because for "Thy Name's sake," which Thou hast "hallowed" throughout the earth, this our vow and proposal might have found some to praise it, it seemed like display, not to wait for the approaching vacation, but to quit beforehand a public profession, which was under the eyes of all; so that every one who saw it would be talking of my act, and, observing how near the time of vintage

Ps. lxxxiv. 6.

P

2 Ps. cxx. 4, 2.

226 HIS MODESTY AND Absence oF DISPLAY

was,' which I wished to anticipate, would be ready to say, that I desired to appear a great person. And what benefit would that be to me, that people should make my intention the subject of their surmises and disputes, and that "our good should be evil spoken of?" 2

Moreover, this very summer, my lungs began to give way, under too great literary labour, and my breathing became difficult, and pains in my chest convinced me that it was affected; my voice lost its clearness, and was unequal to much exertion; this troubled me at first, for it obliged me of necessity to lay aside the onerous task of teaching; or, if I could be cured and should recover, at least to leave it off for a time. But when the full will of "attending at leisure, and seeing that Thou art the Lord,"3 arose in me and was confirmed; Thou knowest, my God, I began even to rejoice, that I had this excuse ready, not a false one, which might soften the offence taken by those who for the sake of their sons wished me never to have a son's freedom. Full, therefore, of such joy, I bore that interval of time, until it had run out; I know not whether it was twenty days, but whatever it was, it was bravely borne; for the thirst for gain, which used to support me through any heavy labour, had left me, and I, forsaken by it, should have been overwhelmed, had not patience taken its place. Perhaps some of Thy servants, my brethren, may say that I was wrong in remaining one hour in the chair of untruth, when my heart was fully set on Thy warfare; but I will not argue the point. But hast not

During the law terms, and when harvest or vintage-time began; also during the great festivals of the Church, no process was allowed to go out.

2 Rom. xiv. 16.

3 Ps. xlvi. 10.