but diversity of desire in one soul 217

more, such variety is there in the objects which are desired, nor do they yet allege that there is so great a number of different substances. So also is it with wills which are good. For I seek an answer from them, whether it is good to delight in reading the Apostle, or to delight in a sober psalm, or whether it is good to discourse upon the Gospel. They will reply to each, "It is good." But if all should delight them equally, and all at once? Do not different wills distract the heart of man, when he is deliberating which most of all to choose? yet they are all good, and are at variance, until one is chosen, whither the one whole will may be borne, which was before divided into many. So also, when eternity delights us above, and the pleasure of temporal good holds us fast below, it is the same soul which wills neither this nor that wholly; and therefore is torn asunder with grievous perplexity, while out of truth it prefers the first, but out of custom cannot part with the other.

CHAPTER XI.

The Struggle between the Spirit and the Flesh in Augustine.

THU

HUS was I sick at heart and tormented, accusing myself more bitterly than I was wont, rolling and turning myself about in my chain, until that were wholly broken, by which I was now slenderly held, but was held still. And Thou, O Lord, wast urging me in my inward parts with a severe mercy, redoubling the lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give over, and not bursting the slender chain which still remained,

218

THE FLESH LUSTETH AGAINST THE SPIRIT"

it might regain its strength, and bind me more than ever. For I said within myself, “Come, let it be done now, let it be done now." And as I said it, I was on the point of coming to the resolve. I all but did it, yet I did not do it; yet I did not slide back to my old state, but kept my ground hard by, and took breath. And I made another effort, and almost succeeded, and was within a very little of touching and laying hold of it; and yet I did not reach it, and did not grasp it, hesitating to die to death, and to live to life; and the evil which I had been long accustomed to, had more hold over me than the better life not yet experienced and the very moment wherein I was to become different, the nearer it approached me, the more horror did it strike into me; but it did not strike me back, nor turn me aside, but held me in

suspense.

Toys of toys and vanities of vanities, my old loves held me back, and made my fleshly garment quiver— whispering softly, "Dost thou leave us? and from that moment shall we never be with thee any more? And from this moment will not this and that be allowed thee for ever?" And what did they suggest in that which I call this or that'? what did they suggest, my God? Let Thy Mercy turn it away from the soul of Thy servant! What defilements did they suggest ! what shameful things! And I heard them now much less than half, and not as openly opposing me before my face, but as it were muttering behind my back, and furtively twitching me as I departed, to make me look back on them. Yet they did retard me, hesitating to snatch myself away and break from them, and leap whither I was called; the violence of

habit saying to me, "Do you think, you could do without them?"

I

But now the voice came to me very faintly. For in that direction whither I had set my face, and whither I trembled to go, there appeared to me the chaste dignity of Continence, calm and modestly cheerful, honestly alluring me to come and not doubt, and stretching out holy hands, full of multitudes of good examples. There, were so many boys and girls ; there, many youths and every age; there, grave widows and aged virgins; and Continence herself in all, by no means barren, but "a fruitful mother of children," of joys, by Thee, the Husband, O Lord. And she smiled at me with an encouraging derision, as much as to say, “Why cannot you do what these youths and maidens have done? or can these and those do it in themselves, and not in the Lord their God?" The Lord their God gave me to them. Why standest thou in thyself, and so standest not? Cast yourself upon Him, do not fear that He will withdraw Himself and let you fall; cast yourself fearlessly upon Him, He will receive you, and will heal you. And I was ashamed beyond measure, for I still heard the whispers of those toys, and hesitatingly delayed. And she again seemed to say, "Stop your ears against those your unclean members on the earth, that they may be mortified. 'They tell thee of delights, but not as the law of the Lord thy God.'": Such was the conflict within my heart, but only of myself against myself. But Alypius, who kept close to my side, awaited in silence the end of my unwonted excitement.

I Ps. cxiii. 8.

2

2 Ps. cxix. 85, O. V.

BUT

converted.

UT when deep reflection had out of its secret fund gathered up and heaped together all my misery in the sight of my heart; a mighty storm arose, bringing a mighty shower of tears, which, that I might pour it all out, and weep aloud, I rose from Alypius ; to be quite alone seemed more fit for the business of weeping; so I stole away so far, as that not even his presence could be a restraint to me. Thus was it then with me, and he perceived something of it, I know not what; for something I think I said, and thereby the sound of my voice seemed choked with weeping, and so I had risen up. But he remained where we had been sitting, stunned with amazement. I cast myself down under a certain fig-tree I know not how, and gave full vent to my tears, and floods broke forth from mine eyes, "an acceptable sacrifice1 to Thee." And, not indeed in these words, but to the same effect, I spake much to Thee: "And Thou, O Lord, how long? How long, O Lord, wilt Thou be angry for ever?" "O remember not our former iniquities," 3 for I felt that I was bound by them. I ejaculated thus sadly— "How long?" how long, "to-morrow and to-morrow"? Why not at once? why not at this very hour end my foulness?

"2

I spoke thus, and wept in the bitterest sorrow of my heart. And lo, I heard a voice as of a boy or girl from 3 Ps. lxxix. 5, 8.

I Ps. li. 19.

2 Ps. vi. 4.

"IN THY LIGHT SHALL WE SEE LIGHT” 221

a neighbouring house, I know not which, chanting, and frequently repeating, "Take, read; take, read." And immediately, with a change of countenance, I began to think most eagerly whether boys were in the habit of using these words in any of their games, but I could not recall any such expression to my mind. So repressing the violence of my weeping, I arose; interpreting it to be nothing less than a Divine admonition, that I should open the Book, and read the first chapter I should find. For I had heard of Antony, how he accidentally came in during the reading of the Gospel, and took what was being read as addressed to himself individually: "Go, sell all that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven, and come, follow Me." And by this oracle he was at once converted to Thee. Thus stirred, I returned to that spot where Alypius was sitting; for there I had laid down the volume of the Apostle when I rose up. I seized it, opened it, and read in silence the passage on which my eyes first fell : "Not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying; but put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh in its lusts." 2 I would read no further, nor was there any need for me to do so; for instantly, when I had finished the sentence, by a serene light as it were infused into my heart, all the clouds of doubt were dispersed.

I

Then closing the Book, having put my finger or some other mark at the place, with a calm countenance I now made it known to Alypius. And he made known to me what was passing in him, of which I had no idea. 2 Rom. xiii. 13, 14.

1 Matt. xix. 21.