very high repute among Thy servants, though to that hour we had not heard of him. Which, when he had discovered, he lingered upon that subject, giving us information about this great man, and marvelling at our ignorance about him. But we were amazed as we heard of Thy miracles so well attested, which were so fresh in memory, and almost in our own days, wrought in the right faith and Catholic Church. All wondered; we, that they were so great, and he, that we had not before heard of them. Thence his conversation took a turn, and he began to speak about the numbers of monasteries, and their mode of life, a sweet odour to Thee, and of the fertile deserts of the wilderness, all of which was new to us. And there was at Milan a monastery, outside the city walls, under the care of Ambrose, full of good brothers, and we never knew it. He went on with and continued his discourse, and we listened intently. He told us how it happened that one afternoon at Triers, when the Emperor was being entertained with seeing the games of the Circus, he and three others of his companions went for a walk in the gardens which were adjacent to the walls, and as they walked in pairs, one went away with him, and the other two strolled by themselves; and these in their wanderings made their way into a certain cottage, in which some of Thy servants, "poor in spirit, of whom is the kingdom of heaven," ' dwelt, where they found a book which contained the life of Antony. One of them began to read it, and to admire and to be kindled by it; and as he read, to meditate on embracing that life himself, and quitting his worldly post to serve Thee. And these I Matt. v. 3. 208 PASSING FROM DEATH UNTO LIFE two were of those whom they call "Agents of Public Affairs." Then suddenly, filled with a holy love and sober shame, indignant with himself, he cast his eyes upon his friend, and said to him, "Tell me, I pray thee, what end are we striving for in all these our labours? What is our aim? for what cause do we accept office? Can we have any higher hopes in Court than to be favourites of the Emperor? And is not all that is there frail and full of danger? and through how many dangers must we attain to this greater danger? and when will it be? But a friend of God, if I desire it, behold, I may become at once." This he said, and in pain with the throes of a new life, he turned his eyes again to the pages; he read on, and was inwardly changed where Thou sawest, and his mind divested itself of the world, as soon became manifest. For whilst he was reading, and struggling with the waves of his heart, he groaned for a while, and discerned, and decided on a better course; and now being Thine, he said to his friend, “Now I have broken away from those hopes of ours, and am resolved to serve God; and this, from this hour, in this place, I begin upon. If you dislike to imitate me, do not oppose me.” The other replied, that he would cleave to him and be his companion in so great a reward, and so great a service. And now both being Thine, they are building a tower, at the proper cost "of forsaking all and following Thee." By this time Pontitianus and his companion, who had walked through other parts of the garden, seeking after them, came to the same spot, and having found them, admonished them to return, because it was growing late. But they, acquainting them with their I Luke xiv. 26-35. 66 209 determination and purpose, and in what way they had arrived at such a firm resolution, besought them not to molest them, if they refused to unite themselves to them. Whereupon the others, being in nothing altered from their former selves, did nevertheless bewail themselves (as he said), and piously congratulated them, and commended themselves to their prayers, and with hearts weighed down to earth, returned to the palace; whilst the other two, with hearts set on heaven, remained in the cottage. And both were engaged to be married, but when their affianced brides heard of it, they also dedicated their virginity to Thee. CHAPTER VII. He suffered inward Pangs, when he heard what THE But HESE things Pontitianus related to me. Thou, O Lord, whilst he was speaking, didst turn me round to myself, taking me from behind my back, where I had placed myself whilst unwilling to consider myself; and Thou didst set me before my face, that I might see how foul I was, how deformed and filthy, how spotted and ulcered. And I saw and loathed myself; and whither to flee to from myself I had not. And if I tried to turn away my eyes from myself, he went on with what he was saying, and Thou didst make me face myself again, and didst push me before my eyes, that “I might find out mine iniquity, and hate it." I knew it indeed, but I dissembled with myself; and kept it from myself, and forgot it. I 1 Ps. xxxvi. 2. 210 HE REVIEWS HIS PAST SELF-DECEPTION the But now, the more ardently I loved those whose healthful affections I was hearing of, for they had given themselves wholly up to Thee to be cured, more did I hate myself as detestable when compared with them. For many years had passed with me, perhaps twelve, since the nineteenth year of my age, when on reading Cicero's "Hortensius," I was kindled with a desire for wisdom; and yet I was deferring to cast away mere worldly happiness, and to give myself to the pursuit of that, of which not the finding alone, but the bare search, was to be preferred to all the treasures and kingdoms of the nations even if found, and to an assemblage of all the pleasures of the body, placed at our disposal. But I, miserable youth, most miserable, in the very beginning of my youth had sought from Thee chastity, and said, "Give me chastity and continency, but not now." For I was afraid Thou wouldst hear me too soon, and heal me at once of the disease of concupiscence, which I wished to be satiated rather than to be extinguished. And I had gone through crooked paths in a sacrilegious superstition, not that I was convinced about it, but as preferring it to others, which I did not seek religiously, but attacked in a hostile manner. And I had imagined, that I deferred from day to day to despise worldly hopes, and follow Thee only, because there appeared to be nothing certain to me to which to direct my course. And now the day had come wherein I was to be laid bare to myself, and my conscience was to reproach me: "Where art thou, tongue? Thou saidst, indeed, that for an uncertain truth thou wouldst not cast off the baggage of vanity. Behold it is certain, and yet that burden still presses ALL EXCUSES FAIL HIM 211 thee down; and those who have not so worn themselves out with searching after it, nor spent ten years and more in thinking about it, have cast off the burden from their shoulders, and taken wing." Thus was I gnawed within, and became mightily confounded with a horrible shame, when Pontitianus related these things. But having ended his story and finished the business which brought him, he went away; and I went to myself. What said I not to myself? With what lashes of words did I not scourge my soul, that it might follow me, striving to go after Thee? And it shrank back; it refused, though it had no excuse to offer. All its pretexts had been exhausted and confuted; there remained a mute trembling; and it dreaded no less than death, to be restrained from that flow of custom by which its very life was being wasted away. CHAPTER VIII. He retired into a Garden; what happened there. THE HEN in this great struggle of my interior house, which I had powerfully excited with my soul, in my chamber, my heart-disturbed both in mind and countenance I fell upon Alypius and exclaimed, “What is it ails us? what hast thou heard? The unlearned arise and take heaven by force: and we with our learning, heartless-behold, where we wallow in flesh and blood? Is it because they have preceded us, that we are ashamed to follow, or is it that we are not ashamed that we do not at least follow?" I said, I know not what, to this purpose, and in my excitement tore myself from him, whilst he, |