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FALSE NOTIONS OF THE CATHOLIC FAITH

notion; yet in my joy I had a feeling of shame at having so many years barked against, not the Catholic Faith, but the figments of my own carnal ideas. For so rash and wicked had I been, that the words which I should have employed in inquiring I had spent on condemning. But Thou, most High, and most near; most secret and most present; Who hast not limbs of different sizes, but art everywhere whole, and art no where localised; Thou art not a corporeal form like unto us, yet" hast Thou made man after Thine own image," and behold, he is from head to foot confined to place.

CHAPTER IV.

He understands the Doctrine of the Church through the Preaching of Ambrose.

THEN, then, I did not understand how this Thy

WHEN

image could exist, I should have knocked and inquired in what sense this was to be believed; not insultingly opposed what I imagined was believed. Therefore the more sharply now my heart was gnawed with anxious doubt as to what was really believed, so much the more ashamed was I that, so long deluded and deceived with the promise of certainties, I had with puerile error and forwardness prated about so many uncertainties as if they were certainties; for that they were false became clear to me afterwards. I was, however, certain that they were uncertain, and that I had formerly believed them to be certain, when with blind contentiousness I accused Thy Catholic Church, whom, although I had not yet discovered her

dispelled BY THE TEACHING OF S. AMBROSE 133

to be the teacher of truth, yet I found out not to teach that with which I had so gravely charged her. Thus I was confounded, and I was converted; and I rejoiced, O my God, that the One Church, the Body of Thy Only Son, in which the Name of Christ had been put upon me as a child, had no relish for childish conceits; and that the idea that Thou, the Creator of all, wert confined within a certain space, however great and vast, yet bounded on all sides by the figure of a human body, in her sound doctrine had no place.

I

I rejoiced also that the old Scriptures of the Law and the Prophets were not now proposed to me to be read in that light, in which they had before seemed to me to be absurd, when I reviled Thy Saints for thinking what they never did think; and I joyfully listened to Ambrose in his sermons to the people, oftentimes most diligently recommending as a rule the text, "The letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life;" whilst, having drawn aside the mystic veil, he spiritually explained those passages in which the literal sense seemed to teach something unsound, treating them in such a way as to give me no offence, though I knew not whether the things he said were true. For I kept my heart from assenting to anything, fearing a precipice; but this suspense was the worse death of the two. For I wanted to gain the same sort of certainty concerning the things which I saw not, as that which assured me that seven and three were ten. For I was not so mad as to suppose this was doubtful, but I desired to have other things as clear as this-whether things corporeal which were 1 2 Cor. iii. 6.

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GRADUAL DAWN OF LIGHT

not present to the senses, or spiritual, of which I knew not how to think except under material images. And by believing I might have been cured, that so the eyesight of my mind being cleared, might in some way have been directed to Thy truth, which ever abides and never faileth. But as it happens that one who has tried a bad physician, is afterwards afraid to trust himself to a good one, so was it with the sickness of my soul, which could only be cured by believing, and refused to be healed, lest it should be again deceived; resisting Thy Hands, Who hast prepared the medicines of faith, and hast sprinkled them upon the diseases of the whole world, and imparted to them so great authority.

CHAPTER V.

Of the Authority of the Holy Scriptures, and their necessary use.

ΟΝ

N this ground, however, I was also led to prefer the Catholic doctrine, in that I thought it more modest and straightforward to enjoin belief in things which were not demonstrated (whether the things were incapable of demonstration in themselves, or whether they were so only to certain persons), than to impose on credulity by rash promises of proof; seeing that so many most fabulous and absurd things, because they were incapable of demonstration, had been taught as articles of faith. After that, gradually didst Thou, O Lord, with a most gentle and merciful hand, touching and disposing my heart, persuade me, by leading me to consider what numberless things I believed which I did not see, things which were done when I was not

THE AUTHORITY OF HOLY SCRIPTURE 135

present; as, for instance, so many events in the history of nations, so many accounts of places and of cities which I had never seen, so many statements of friends, so many of physicians, so many of these people or those people, which unless they were believed the business of life could not be conducted; lastly, how firmly I believed that I was born of certain parents, a fact which I could not have known but by believing what was told me,-thus Thou didst persuade me that not those who believed Thy Books-Books which Thou hast established with so great authority in almost all nations-but those who disbelieved them, were to be blamed; nor were those to be listened to who might say to me, "How do you know that those Books were delivered to mankind by the Spirit of the one true and most truthful God?" For this was the thing which seemed to me most credible, since no contentions of questions and cavils, such as abounded in the books of the self-contradicting philosophers, could ever shake my faith in Thy Existence, though I knew not the nature of Thy Being, and of Thy Providence over human affairs.

Sometimes this belief was very firm in me, at others more feeble; yet I always believed in Thy Existence, and Thy Providence; although I knew not what to think of Thy Substance, nor what way led to, or led back to, Thee. Since, then, we were too weak to find out truth by the light of reason, and therefore needed the authority of the Holy Writ, I now began to believe that Thou wouldest in no way have given such a high authority to the Scripture throughout all lands, if Thou hadst not wished, that through it we should believe in Thee, and through it seek Thee. For what

136 HOLY SCRIpture, simple and profound

had seemed to me absurdities in the Scriptures, and used to offend me, now having been for the most part satisfactorily explained, I attributed to the depth of its mysteries; and its authority appeared to me the more venerable and worthy of religious acceptance, in that, while it was easily read by all, yet it reserved in a deeper meaning its secret greatness; offering itself to all in most plain words and in lowliest style, yet demanding the closest study of those who have the power of applying themselves; that it might receive all in its open bosom, and through its narrow chinks transmit a few to Thee-a few, yet many more than if it stood not on such a height of authority, nor drew multitudes within the folds of its holy lowliness. I thought thus, and Thou wert present with me; I sighed after Thee, and Thou heardest me; I was tossed upon the waves, and Thou didst steer my course; I travelled through the broad way of the world, and Thou didst not desert me.

CHAPTER VI.

Df the Misery of the Ambitious, brought to his Mind by the sight of a poor blithesome Beggar.

I

PANTED after honours, gain, marriage; and Thou didst mock me. I suffered through those desires most bitter trials, Thou being the more merciful to me, in not allowing anything to grow sweet unto me which was not Thyself. Behold my heart, O Lord, Who desirest that I should remember and acknowledge

'Holy Scripture has been likened to a river, with depths in which elephants may swim, and shallows where lambs may ford.