HIS MOTHER COMES TO HIM

127

unacquainted with the deep when they were terrified, than to receive it), promising them a safe arrival, because Thou in vision hadst promised this to her. And she found me in a perilous state, through despair of ever finding the truth. But when I told her that I was indeed no longer a Manichæan, nor yet a Catholic Christian, she expressed no sudden joy, as at some unexpected tidings; although her wish had been granted as to one part of my misery, for which she wept over me as one dead, but again to be raised by Thee, and "carried" me forth, as it were, upon "the bier" of her thoughts, that Thou mightest say to the widow's son, “Young man, I say unto thee, Arise;" and he should revive and “begin to speak, and Thou shouldest deliver him to his mother." I Her heart then beat with no tumultuous joy, when she heard that so great a part of that which with tears she daily sought from Thee had come to pass; in that, though the truth I had not yet arrived at, I had at any rate been delivered from error; but now, being assured that what was still wanting Thou wouldst give, Who hadst promised all, she most calmly and with a heart full of confidence replied to me, that "she trusted in Christ to see me before she departed this life a faithful Catholic." So much she said to me; but to Thee, Fountain of mercies, she poured forth prayers and tears more copiously, that Thou wouldest hasten Thy assistance, and enlighten my darkness; and she ran more eagerly to the church, and hung upon the lips of Ambrose," for the fountain of water which springs up unto eternal life." For she loved that man "as an angel of God," 3 because she knew that it was through his 1 Luke vii. 14, 15. 2 John iv. 14. 3 Gal. iv. 14.

128

HER ABSTEMIOUSNESS

instrumentality I had been in the meanwhile brought to this present state of doubt, through which she confidently anticipated that I should pass from sickness to health, after the disease had reached a severer stage, which physicians call "the crisis."

CHAPTER II.

Feasts and Communion at the Tombs of the Martyrs.

WHEN,

For

HEN, then, my mother, as was her custom in Africa, brought to the memorial churches of the Saints, pulse-meat, bread and wine, and was stopped by the door-keeper; so soon as she knew that the bishop had forbidden this, she piously and obediently embraced his orders, so that I wondered at the facility with which she condemned her own practice, rather than dispute his prohibition. her spirit was free from any tendency to intemperance, nor did the love of wine incline her to hate what was right, as it does so many men and women, who loathe the very sound of sobriety, as drunkards too much water in their cup. But she, when she had brought her basket with food for the festivals, to be first tasted and then bestowed on others, put only one small cup, diluted so as to accord to her sober tastes, of which she would for courtesy take. But if there were many memorial churches which were to be honoured in this manner, the same cup, which she carried round, served for them all; and this, now not only very weak through the addition of much water, but also quite warm by having been handled by those present, who had all tasted a little of it; for she sought devotion

THE TOMBS OF THE MARTYRS

129

there, not indulgence. Therefore, when she found out that this custom was forbidden by that illustrious preacher and pious prelate, even to those who would use it abstemiously, lest it should lead to excess in those who were addicted to drink, and because it resembled very much the festivals which the heathen held in honour of dead ancestors, she at once most cheerfully abstained from it; and instead of the basket filled with the fruits of the earth, she learned to bring to the tombs of the martyrs a heart filled with purer vows, that she might give what she could to the poor, and so the Communion of the Lord's Body might there be celebrated, in imitation of Whose Passion the martyrs had been sacrificed and crowned. But yet it seems to me, O Lord my God, and such is the thought of my heart in Thy sight, concerning this thing, that my mother would not so readily have given up this custom, if she had been forbidden by some one else, whom she did not love as well as Ambrose, whom for the sake of my salvation she loved very dearly; and he loved her too for her most pious life, which she showed by her good works, and by her constant attendance, “fervent in spirit,”1 at church; so that, when he saw me, he would often break forth in her praise, congratulating me on having such a mother; not knowing what a son she had in me, who doubted about all things, and had not the least idea that "the way of life" could be found out.

1 Rom. xii. II.

130

THE OCCUPATIONS OF S. AMBROSE

No

CHAPTER III.

Employments and Studies of Ambrose.

OR did I yet groan in prayer that Thou mightest help me; but my mind was intent on going into questions, and eager to dispute. And Ambrose himself I counted a happy man, according to worldly notions, whom so many persons of rank honoured; only his single state of life seemed to me a hardship. But what hope he cherished, what struggles he had with the temptations of his very greatness, or what solace in adversity, or what joys he tasted with the hidden palate of his heart, ruminating upon Thy Bread, I neither could have known, nor had I experienced : neither did he know my restless state, nor the depth of my danger. For I could not seek at his hands what I wished as I wished, in consequence of the crowds of people, full of their own business, to whose infirmities he ministered, and who prevented me from drawing near enough to get within the sound of his voice. And when he was not engaged with them, which was but a short time, he was either occupied in refreshing the body by taking necessary food, or the mind by reading. But when he read, his eyes scanned the pages, and his heart penetrated into the meaning, but his voice and tongue were silent. Often when we were present, for no one was forbidden to enter, nor was it the custom to announce any one who came to him, we saw him thus reading silently, and never in any other way; and having remained for a long time in silence (for who would dare to interrupt any one so absorbed ?), we

HIS MODE OF READING

131

departed, and concluded, that for that short time which he caught for refreshing his mind, free from the noise of other men's matters, he was disinclined to be disturbed; and perhaps he avoided reading aloud, lest, when some one was listening and perplexed at some obscure passage which he came upon, he should have to pause to explain it, or should be obliged to enter into a discussion upon some points of difficulty, and so, losing time by this, would be unable to get through so much of the volumes as he wished: although this habit of reading to himself might have more justly arisen from a desire to save his voice, which was very easily weakened ;-whatever might have been the reason, no doubt it was a good one in such a man.

But certainly I had no opportunity of consulting about the things I desired, that holy oracle of Thine, his breast, unless it might be done in a very brief manner. But these my perplexities needed one with much leisure, to whom they might be poured forth, which he was never found to have. And I heard him indeed every Lord's day amongst the people "rightly handling the word of truth;" and more and more was I convinced that all the knots of sophistical calumnies, which those deceivers had fastened against the Divine Books could be undone. For when I came to know that man, being made by Thee in Thine own image, was not, by Thy spiritual sons whom by grace Thou hast born again of their Catholic mother, so understood, as though they believed and thought Thee to be Thyself contained within the form of a human body; although of the manner a spiritual substance could exist, I had not indeed the faintest 1 2 Tim. ii. 15.